xoxo J

Happiness

2012-02-12T20:43:00.000-08:00

Happiness....

It comes in all shapes and sizes...It comes in all sorts of things, places, and people. Sometimes it's obvious and we can feel it or see it. Other times, it's transparent, invisible to the naked eye....

I feel like I am running in circles, chasing after something that has stopped mattering to me. That scares me. I don't want to feel like I have wasted time doing something that I don't love. I don't want to feel like this wasn't what I was supposed to do, and yet I can't stop shaking that feeling.

Job's stress us out, it kinda comes with the title...that's okay, I can handle that most of the time. I can handle deadlines and feeling tense because a student is upset or I have a few things that need to be corrected. I can handle that. I can't handle people sometimes. I can't handle feeling like nothing I do is ever good enough at work. No matter the effort I put in to it, it's never good enough. I dred going to bed Sunday nights because that mean's tomorrow is Monday and I have to deal with it all over again...and the week drags on til it's finally Saturday and then the weekend goes by entirely too fast and here I am again...up way too late, heart beating wayy too fast, because I am miserable. Completely miserable.

I don't like feeling this way.

I don't like that sometimes I break down in tears just so I can be emotionally drained and feel prepared to deal for the upcoming week...talk about me being dramatic, but it happens.

I keep telling myself, "change your attitude" and you'll "change your feelings"...but I feel like I have to tell myself that a million times a day and a million more before the next day begins. I am stressed because of people...I am feeling overwhelemed and physically and mentally drained of caring...C.S. Lewis had a point, I saw this quote today on pinterest and I fell in love with it...I know there are bigger and better things for me...things that haven't happened yet, possibly because I'm not doing everything in my power to be happy, or they haven't happened yet cause I'm not ready for them...either way, I know I was meant for bigger and better things, and being dragged around through the dirt isn't my idea of a good time..."change your attitude...better things are coming your way."

....the power in this quote about took my breath away...I felt a lot better...I know life isn't always going to go the way I expect it or want it too...I get that. I adjust to it because I have too, and at times I get tired of constantly changing my plans, but I do it because I can't sit still and do nothing. I am standing in a storm, emotions and adult like conversations, raging in my head...trying to decide which path is the right one for me...I tire of their endless bickering...
....I love the rain, sometimes I even love the storms, the bright lightening that cracks the sky, almost like God is trying to give us a brief glimpse of Heaven...but after a while, the storm keeps me inside too long, I grow restless and bored and tired of the same thing, and then I start to feel antsy, and I am ready for the rain to stop...I guess what I am trying to say is: I am tired of standing in this storm of figuring out what is best for me. I am tired of standing here feeling worthless and feeling restless about the way I am treated or the way I let myself be treated...I am tired of feeling so very unhappy with the way things are going right now...
......so I'll adjust.

I just hope my adjustment isn't damaging..

xoxo J

life....as we jump into it.

2012-01-22T21:52:00.000-08:00

There comes a time in all of our lives where we have to take a good, long hard look at the person we are, and ask ourselves "Am I doing everything in my power to make sure I am happy? Is this the person I want to be?"...for some it's easy. We decide what it is that makes us happy and then we do it, come hell or high water. We jump and take those risks because we know if we don't, we'll look back on it and wonder what happened.
For others....it's not so easy....
....I fall into the middle...See, I know I ask myself at least a million times a day what it is I could be doing to be happier, what it is I am missing that make me happy, AND is this the person I really want to be..? I know I look at it from the point of "what kind of change can I make to make this better?" I also look at it and wonder, if I don't do this now, how will it affect my happiness...It gets deep people. REAL deep.
....When I graduated high school I was just like any other 18 year old who thought she knew what she was doing and she could handle it all by herself...now, at 23 years old, I see it differently. I don't know everything and if it wasn't for the sanity of friends and family I'm pretty sure I would of had to check myself into the psych unit at the hospital down the road. Luckily, that hasn't had to happen yet.

At 17, I knew I wanted to a speech therapist. I wanted to work with students and help them with their speech and language disabilities. Going through undergrad wasn't easy, some things I didn't understand or remember and at times I felt like maybe I didn't know where to begin to even ask questions to understand...I even had a teacher tell me I didn't have what it took to be a speech therapist...ya, it was tough and hard and a lot of tears went into this program. As I was preparing to graduate, along with my other classmates, I immiedtely strated to prepare on applying to grad schools. I chose to only apply to one, and because of low test scores on the GRE, I was not admitted. Fortunately I found work as a Speech Language Pathologist Assistant here in Mesa and moved shortly after to gain some experience...I applied again last year, to 3 schools this time, but again, low test scores has kept me out of grad school. So I started another school year working as an SLPA. I love my students. I love working with them and teaching them. I love the look in their eyes when they are understanding something or whem they find the therapy activity fun. I love the different things I am learning day in and day out. It comes with its sets of challenges just like any other job, but it's what I wanted to do...so I've worked hard at it. I've decided not to apply to grad school this year. I want to focus more on studying for the GRE and try again this next year. That was a big and scary decision for me to make. I am always afraid that I am going to disappoing people in my life, and I knew this decision would set me back, another year yet again, and it wouldn't set well with people in my life. Of course, they'll support me no matter what, they just know how hard I've worked and how much better grad school will be for me in the long run...
...I can't help but feel like there is something I am missing in my life...something BIG. I don't know what it is exactly, but I know I'm looking for it...but I also know that the most important thing to me is that I love what I do. I cannot afford to hate going to work, and lately I have. Not because of the kids or the job or anything like that, because of people. I work hard, I know I slack at times, but it's more out of annoyance than anything. This year started out shakey, and I've been trying my best to make it feel better, but nothing is really helping. I'm just tired of dealing with people and their ways of making me feel incapable of doing what I know someday I will be able to do...I hate feeling that way.
...but I also know, there is something bigger that I want for my life right now. I want to focus on my photography and building up my business. This is something that I know WITH CERTAINTY if I don't do soon, I will look back and hate myself for not taking this chance. I have decided that next year I will be taking a coupld of photography classes over at MCC, just a few so I can still stay on top of my full time job. I am going to set up an appointment with a counselor over at the school and discuss my options and the payment that will be required. This is something I have to do for my happiness. PLUS it's something I know I enjoy doing. When I'm behind that camera...it's like my whole world lights up. My heart beats faster, my mind moves faster...it's like my creativity is finally able to release and I am amazed at the product I can produce...Of course the people make the photograph, but being able to capture that moment...it takes my breath away. It makes me feel the best I've ever felt, and as I get older I find, the more things that make you feel this way, the more passionate and creative these things make you, the more you HAVE to do everything in your power to hold onto them; to bring out the best in them...

I am scared. Mostly because what if this only turns out to be a temporary happiness...what if I am being ungrateful for the job I have now and something goes wrong. I hope it doesn't. I am grateful for my education and for the job I have. I just start to feel more stressed out about some people then I should...It's hard to not let things get to you sometimes. But as dad always said, "tie up your goat and don't let them get it."

I'm gonna keep looking, for ALL the things that make me happy. I know they are out there somewhere, and I know someday I'll get all my ducks in a row...Let's just hope I have the patience to wait for that...I was never the sit around and wait kind of gal. But it seems time is not always on my side no matter what I do. So for now, I am going to plan this part of my life. I am going to do everything I can to make this happen...and I am excited about it. I am excited for a new adventure...for a change. I am ready to jump...

xoxo J

fallin in love...

2012-01-11T22:12:00.000-08:00

Being a girl, I am in love with the basic things girls love. For example, red nail polish...I aboud die over every bottle when I browse through the store. Also, anything make up related and my attention is diverted...SHOES....let's just say that there is a crazy person inside of me who practically forces me to hand over my card when I walk into a shoe store. I love lace and pearls. I practically swoon over anything sparkly. I'm a girl. I find these things to be obsessed about...and I'm okay with the fact that it might make me come off a little bit on the crazy side...

There is something that I am in love with that not many people may know (or maybe they do and I've tricked myself into believing I can be mysterious in some aspects of my life). I am in love with weddings...I absolutely ADORE them. The beautiful dresses, the happy bride and groom, the pleased parents, the best friends and all the family who just can't seem to get any happier. I love the pictures, I love it all...Literally I swoon over new arrivals on my favorite photographer's blog. It's like I just can't get enough of them. My favorite though...LDS Temple Weddings...especially the Salt Lake Temple...

The Salt Lake Temple for whatever reason, holds a very special place in my heart. I love the history behind it. I love the fact that it's like my own personal castle on the outside. I love walking around Temple Square when I happen to be in Utah (Which it's been a long while, this needs to be fixed). The first time I saw this temple in person, we were on a family vacation, I think i was 12 or 13...I couldn't get over all the beauty of it. The trees, the fountains, the temple...it was completely breathtaking. I loved watching the brides and grooms walking around getting their pictures taken. Kissing and hugging; never letting each other go; and being the TRUE romantic that I am, even at 13 I couldn't wait for the day I would be able to feel that way about somebody and have them feel that way about me too.

Well 10 years later, no such luck. Ha. My Grandma-Great very well could be going into panic attack's where this is concerened. Hopefully she doesn't hold it against me if that happens. Because the Salt Lake Temple is my absolute favorite temple, I hope that it is the one I get married in someday. I'd like to show you why...some of the pictures that make me fall even more in love with this beautiful temple...and make me fall in love, with love.

The talented art of Miss Kate Benson Photography

I love the shot on the left, from the every so lovely Miss Mallory from PocketmeetsMonday

My heart thumps every time I see that kissing in the rain photo from the ever so talented and creative (not to mention you can just taste the romance from her work) Miss Brooke from Blush Photography

Isn't that dancing/twirling picture just TO DIE FOR....Travis Jay Photography never disappoints me...His and Miss Brooke's photography are literally some of my favorite work I have ever seen...

People tell me I wear my heart on my sleeve...It makes me wonder if those close to me, family for instance, can actually hear the sadness behind my laughter when they bring up the dating or marriage thing...? I wonder if they can see it in my face as I watch my friends and family members who are old enough, get married or serious with somebody...If I'm that transparent, they should be able too...I don't like to show it because I hate those pity looks or everybody saying, "you're time will come." that doesn't make anybody feel better.

I see all these beautiful places and faces...I see these boys in love with these beautiful girls...and these girls all dressed in white, looking at their Prince Charming...I see how in love they are, and how they know and understand that their forever is now possible. Sure, days won't always be easy, and the honeymoon phase will end after a while...but the joy they have of finally finding each other and belong to eachother is too much for words to even describe...which is why I like to let photo's do the talking.

"If something is not happening for you, it doesn't mean it's never going to happen...it means you're not ready for it."
---I am discovering that God has other plans for me right now. These plans have been good ones too, I've gotten an education, I have a pretty good paying job in these trying times, and I am trying to further my education.
----I also found my happiness...my passion when I am behind that camera. I have found how incredible lucky I am to love that part of my life.
----I am making friends, I am making memories. Really I am not missing out on anything, I am just enjoying this time in my life where I can actually be selfish...and there isn't anything wrong with that.

"If you're looking for the love of your life, stop. He will be waiting for you when you start doing things you love."
----I believe this. I believe a girl has to know herself before she can know who she'll be with somebody else. It's important for a girl to have her own dreams and plans for a little while. This is the one time she gets to be truly selfish and for it to be okay. This is the one time she gets to take chances without consequences playing out on anybody else but herself. This is the one time she gets to do the things she loves, the things she's dreamed about her whole life...This is the one time she gets to not be afraid of finding who she is...

Feeling alone or like I am missing out on something, is one of the hardest things I deal with from time to time. I hate feeling like everybody I know and love is taking 3 giant steps forward and I am staying in the same spot, never changing, never moving...I hate feeling alone; I hate feeling like finding somebody will never happen for me. I try desperately to not feel that way...but it's hard sometimes.

All I know is, God has a plan for me, who knows what that plan is, I've given up trying to figure out all the minor details. I am starting to figure out things that I want for myself though, and I think that's important to Him. I am finding things that I enjoy as a woman and a person. I am finding things to crazy obsessed with, and things that are completely driven by passion...I am learning how to fly with my own wings. I'm scared out of my mind, but a friend always said I'd be the one to try and figure out how to fly...

I love this temple, I love the perfect feeling I have when I am near it or thinking of it. I love it's beauty. I love it's history, I love that it's my castle...I love how happy it makes the couples in these pictures. I love staring at the artwork the photographers create...the stories they can tell with just one photograph. I hope someday I find that passion...both of them. The love of my life, and that I continue to work on my love for photography.

xoxo J

Christmas's...merry and bright

2011-12-27T11:52:00.000-08:00

Christmas is my favorite time of year...I love the lights on the houses and the trees..I love the smell's of Christmas..gingerbread, molasses, sugar cookies, pine...it smells so delicious. I love shopping for others, and I love waking up early (the one day a year) and watching my family open up presents on Christmas morning...

This Christmas Eve my nephew Baby Rico came down to visit my mom and dad...I think this is my favorite picture from Christmas...I love how happy this baby makes my parents. They love being grandparents and he's pretty much an exact replica of my sister Jershon.

Baby Rico is a little bit of a Mama's Boy so it was rare that he would let any of us snuggle on him for long before he put his little arms out and cried for his mama...but even if he didn't let us hold him for long he still left us laughing. Auntie got a crack up out of him here. When you say, "I don't know" he puts his little arms out like so:

He even let auntie kiss on him for a little bit:

One of my favorite things in the world is when Dad pulls out his guitar and we all sing a bunch of songs. Since sister was here this year he pulled it out and we sang Christmas songs and some of our other favorites...Little Rico was riveted by the guitar.

Babies love boxes more than the presents a lot of the time:

The only person he would let him take away from his mama was Jorja...but that was only if she took him to the Christmas Tree:

Little Rico was pretty fond of Grandpa too:

On my mama's side of the family we have this tradition we do every Christmas Eve. Growing up we always did it at Aunt Edna's and Uncle Jim's house. Part of the tradition was eating hamburgers and hot dogs, grandma's beans, and then of course rice krispy treats, cookies, and a birthday cake cause Grandpa Judd's and cousin Shay's birthday's were Christmas Day. All of my mama's brothers and sisters brought Aunt Edna a box of chocolate covered cherries (An inside joke between Grandpa and Uncle Jim. When we were done eating the kids would go outside and take turns hitting the pinata til it broke. Then we'd go inside the warm house and read the Christmas story, sing a few Christmas carol's and the kids would trade candy. Before we all left to go home we'd find Rudolph out in Aunt Edna's yard. It was some of our favorite memories, and my favorite tradition growing up. Aunt Edna died a few years ago and so the tradition has been moved to Uncle Bevin's house, now the tradition includes TWO pit fires and a huge jug of grandma's hot chocolate...i don't know why we waited THIS long to do either one those.

Another tradition we do on my mama's side is cousin exchange of presents. Every year growing up, as cousins, we always wanted to open up the cousin presents on Christmas Eve but the parents always said no...then a few years ago i brought it up again and the parents were like "Oh, why haven't we been doing this before..?" So now we open the presents youngest to oldest...We love it.

This year I had Rhyno Man and Miss Emily and Baby Aiden...we've all decided Rhyno Man wouldn't survive without Miss Emily...

Christmas Morning <3

Jerica's favorite team is the Phoenix Suns, mama and dad got her tickets and she was speechless. I love those kind of presents

Every year I try to think what to get my parents...it seems the older we get the harder we are to shop for and the harder it is to shop for our parents...But each year I want the Christmas gift to be special. So this year I took a picture of the Mesa Temple because my parents were married there and I wrote "Families are Forever" on it and put "est. 1987" because that was the year they were married. I put it on a canvas wrap...she loved it.

Last year the girls and I put a CD together of songs that reminded us of our dad...he loved it so much it made him tear up a little...of course nothing will top that, so I didn't even want to try...instead I got dad a gift card to Massage Envy and the movie 17 Miracles. He was pretty excited!

I got a pair of cowboy boots, a few games and movies, and a new jacket...it was a good Christmas...

It's my favorite time of the year because of the traditions my family have...the time we get to spend together...and most importantly because it was the birth of our Savior...listening to the Christmas story and making family goals to reach together, makes me so thankful for what He has done for us. I hope everybody had a Merry Christmas.

xoxo

Gratitude Challenge...

2011-12-05T21:25:00.000-08:00

Stephanie told me I needed to read this month's Church Message...so I did...and let me tell you, she was right, this was exactly what I needed to read. Check it out here. I've decided that as much as I hate making lists, this one was worth it...I encourage you all, member or not, to take this gratitude challenge.

1. Write 10 physical abilities you are grateful for
...my eyes, I feel they are the windows to my soul
...my hair, I love that it grows healthy and strong and most days it looks pretty
...my fingers, and the ability they have to play beautiful music on the piano
...my feet, their tiny cuteness and that I have the ability to walk on them everyday
...my skin, it protects me from pretty much everything
...my butt.....it's kinda cute ha
...(I just realized it said abilities ha) k so...
...my legs, that they work the way they should.
...my arms, that they help me move things when I need too, and that I can play volleyball...i'd die without it.
...my nose, I love smelling the weather changing
...my body, that it allows me to do the things I need to get done in the day.

2. Write 10 material possessions you are grateful for
...my camera, I have this obsessive love for my camera and the creativity I feel when I use it.
...my shoes, I also have a mild (crazy, can't walk into a shoe store without buying a pair) obsession
...my laptop, i basically don't know what I'd do without it.
...my TV, oh I love my TV
...my movies, I have a million bajillion movies, don't believe me, honestly it's my own little version of blockbuster (minus alphabetical organization....or any organization at all)
...my books, I love the words of others and the pictures they paint for my imagination
...currently, my heater I just bought because my room was Cold.Icebox.Igloo...however you want it say it it added up to freeezzzing.
...my bed, I love the comfy, cozy feeling of my bed, with all my blankets and pillows piled high on it.
...my TV shows, I pretty much just love the heck out of them.
...food in my cupboards, a roof over my head, and money to pay for it all.

3. Write 10 living people you are grateful for.
...my mama, who taught me how to love, how to laugh, and how to see the best in all
...my dad, who taught me to stand up for what I believe in, to be the best I can be
...my sisters, I have 4 of them, I don't know what I'd do without all of their smiles, their jokes, their hugs, the fact that they miss me when I have to leave and come home.
...my bestie, my saraya, my other half of sanity
...my nephews and nieces, it is music to my ears every time I hear the word "auntie" it literally warms my heart.
...my rhyno man, I could not have asked for a better cousin, he is such a blessing to me. Also for his wife, I love her to pieces. He did good in that department
...my sweet grandma's, my grandma great who is constantly making sure i have what i need, my grandma jackie who even though she doesn't always see it, is a strong woman, my grandma judd/fadala, she is the toughest woman i know, and yet so gentle.
...my grandpa's, Grandpa Judd who always said people were more important than things, my papa who is an AMAZING cook and so goofy, my grandpa great, cause he made me his "sugar babe", he taught my dad how to treat people.
...my roommates, they are such a blessing in my life.
...all of the friends I have, forgive me if I miss any, Silvia, Brittany, Amanda, Charmayne, Si' ii, Tara, and it's late, so the rest of you i love ya

4. Write 10 deceased people you are grateful for.
...Grandpa Great, he opened his home and arms to anybody who needed anything
...Grandpa Judd, he was just such an awesome guy, very quiet, i did not inherit that from him
...my ancestor's who crossed those frozen lands in order to have freedom of religion
...Audrey Hepburn <3, Breakfast at Tiffany's, Sabrina...I love her. She is the classiest of class
...Joseph Smith, his story never ceases to amaze me and I continue to love learning about him, I am grateful that he was chosen to restore the gospel on this earth
...Gordon B. Hinckley, WHAT a MAN! He is special to me because he was the prophet of our church for most of my life. He's just so sweet and wise
...Francis Glosser, she was the mother of some friends I had in high school, she passed away early in this life, but I know I'll see her again
...Grandma Sherman, her fiesty, red headed ways, i DID inherit the fiest
...Grandpa Sherman, i LOVE hearing stories about these two, never fails to crack me up. I love that Grandpa always said to have a garden, each of his grandchildren have listened.
...Jane Austen, enough said

5. Write 10 things about nature you are grateful for.
...the rain, I love the rain, the smells it brings
...wet hay, it's my favorite smell, wet dirt comes in 2nd
...the earth that allows us to grow our own food
...the sky that fills up with sunshine
...trees, as a photographer, I absolutely love seeing nature work in trees, my favorite time for trees is in the fall
...open fields, i love them golden
...gentle breezes on a hot summer evening
...starry nights in small towns
...sunsets, I love the colors that the sun kisses the sky goodnight with
...leaves, I love the sound of jumping in a BIG pile of 'em

6. Write 10 things about today you are grateful for.
...the Holy Ghost, I have felt him a lot today, and I am grateful for Him and the feelings He gives me
...working with my CBT kids, they are such a joy to me, even if the day feels like it's going to be bad
...that I have a job
...Christmas shopping, I get so excited when I find the perfect gift for somebody I love
...Peppermint Hot Chocolate, perfect on cold winter evenings
...that I woke up healthy
...that I made it through another day, alive and well
...my family, they are so super special to me, I am grateful for them every.single.day. of my life
...that Baby Aiden is proving to be an even bigger blessing than any of us could imagine, and that he is getting better and better every day
...my education, I don't know where I'd be without it.

7. Write 10 places on earth you are grateful for.
...Disneyland, it really is one of the happiest places on earth
...New York City, I would LOVE to visit for a very long time, the snow, the theater, the museum's, everything
...Paris, I dream of Paris
...Italy, I am a romantic at heart, and I wear my heart on my sleeve, I love the history, the romance, the architecture, the vineyards, the houses...it's all belicemo!
...Arizona, it's where my family is, I have to be grateful for it's summer's and it's winters, but mostly for it's FALL's. i adore the Fall
...Utah, it gave my ancestor's peace of mind to study and believe the way they wanted too
...England, Peter Pan, "the second star to the right" teaching us that it's okay to grow old, but we don't have to quit believing
...Georgia, because deep down i'm sure I was meant to be a Southern Belle
...Pomerene, AZ, I love the fact that most of my family is there, if I could afford it, I'd live there just to be able to see them all the time
...Virden, NM, deep down, it will always be home, therefore apart of my heart will always belong there

8. Write 10 modern inventions you are grateful for.
...medicine, oh I'm glad somebody invented that
...cars, seriously, I use mine all day basically, for everything
...cell phones, i can go a few days without it and suddenly I feel like something is missing
...epidurals, even though i've never had a baby, i'm pretty sure I am grateful for those (even if it's a huge needle involved)
...email, don't get me wrong i AODRE letters, in fact i prefer them over emails, but when you've got a cousin who's a few states over and doesn't have time to write to everybody, there's this magical little button called CC and it can go to whoever, wherever
...debit cards, I love having all my money on a little plastic card, i'd spend cash wayyyyy too quickly
...machines in hospitals, that monitor baby's heartbeat's, that pick up cancer, that drop meds into your body, that pretty much do any little miracle you see fit
...my bed, AGAIN, cause seriously, i was never a "sleep on the floor" kind of gal
...milk machine, i go through milk like crazy, in fact Stephanie jokes that i should just buy a cow at the rate I go through milk, i don't want to milk the cow though
...excercising machines, even though I don't use them as much as I should

9. Write 10 foods you are grateful for.
...cereal, I would not be my mama's daughter if this wasn't first on the list
...chicken, I love chicken, anything chicken
...fruits, there is nothing better than a nice juicey watermelon in the summer, or a sweet pinaple, hmmm fruit is good
...veggies, yes I like my trees and my carrots and my peas. You didn't have to brive me to eat them
...mashed potatoes, I don't know why but i LOVE them
...Italian, anything Italian
...soup, cause most the time when I don't feel like cookin, it's what i turn too
...grandma's bell pepper rice stuff....so delicious
...tacos, oh i LOVE tacos
...sandwiches, so easy, so yummy

10. Write 10 things about the gospel you are grateful for
...Eternal Families, i love knowing I am with them forever
...It's restoration, and the fact that I have it today
...Atonement, it's nice to know that God knows i'm human and that I will make mistakes
...Prophets, it is through them and their apostles that we learn and grow from what God needs of us in this time of our lives
...testimonies, the fact that everybody has one, small or big, and that each one can play in your life
...Primary, it's where you learn as a good about Nephi's courage, about Joseph Smith and his brother Hyrum, about Jesus Christ and the example He was to us
...Young Women, I wasn't very excited about it as a teenager, mostly because I went through a phase where I just didn't care, but I see how important it is in the lives of young women, it teaches us how to take care of each other and our families
...Patriarchal Blessings, mine is so tender and so special to me, and I like knowing I have my own little "Glimpse into my future" paper
...Articles of Faith, I think these are so imporant, little ways to show what we believe in as members of the church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints
...Temple ordinances, for both living and the dead

Some of this was a lot harder than I thought it was going to be....but there, I have 100 things that I am grateful for...mostly to be alive, sometimes I feel as if I was born in the wrong time, like I don't belong here right now, but I know that must be apart of my romantic mind because I am apart of this time and i am in the places I am right now, for a reason. I am grateful for those reasons, whatever they may be. I am grateful for my family and all they do for me, for the little things i may take for granted, like running water, heat and air depending on the weather, a soft bed, a toothbrush, soap...little things we know we are grateful for that we don't always acknowledge, like a beating heart, working lungs, and a body who protects those things...I am grateful to be alive. to be who i am. I am grateful that I am a dreamer, that I come up with all sorts of ideas and that my mind and heart tries to figure out how to make them come true.

This was challenging, but I'm glad I did it, it definitely opened my eyes to all I have in my life that I should remember to be grateful for, even when the restless feelings creep into my heart...

xoxo J

Take Me There....

2011-11-05T21:51:00.000-07:00

...There's a place in your heart where nobody's been. Take me there. Things nobody knows, not even your friends. Take me there. Tell me about your momma, your daddy, your home town, show me around. I wanna see it all, don't leave anything out.... I wanna know, everything about you.And I wanna go, down every road you've been.
Where your hopes and dreams and wishes live, where you keep the rest of your life hid. I wanna know the girl behind that pretty stare. Take me there...... Your first real kiss, your first true love, you were scared. Show me where. You learned about life, spent your summer nights, without a care. Take me there. I wanna roll down mainstreet and backroads like you did when you were a kid. What makes you who you are, tell me what your story is.....
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------Rascal Flatts

There's a place in your heart where nobody's been---> the truth of this scares me...I don't like to let myself be vulnerable. Yet I wear every part of my heart on my sleeve for the whole world to see....The thought that there's a place nobody has seen, a part that nobody has access too....thrills me and scares the livin' daylight out of me. When that boy comes along, the way that touches those parts of my heart, the ones I don't show to anybody, I am pretty sure that's when my heart will shout to the stars that this love is real....
...Your home town, show me around...learned about life, spent your summer nights, without a care---> I guess this part makes me sad. I wouldn't dare show the one person I loved more than life itself the place I grew up...I HAD to leave that place. I KNEW if i didn't, I would be stuck there for the rest of my life...I love small towns, I love the charm they posess, the honesty that appeals to it....but with small towns, come that never-ending curse of staying there forever. I was always the girl with big dreams, big ideas....my head was always up in some cloud, always trying to figure out how to fly far away from that place....I KNEW if I didn't leave, I would be stuck there forever, and for a heart like mine, that would be a tragedy...so when that boy does come along, the one that touches the parts of my heart that nobody has ever been able to touch...when that boy comes along that wants to see where I learned life can be disappointing, where summer nights were spent unerneath endless blankets of stars, where I figured out how to fly....I can't take him there. I can't show him anything of my past, because I have put it behind me for a reason. I have made it a point to try and forget the place that almost smothered me to death...I don't want to show him those pieces of me....
.....I can't show him those pieces of me....I've purposely put it in the back of my mind, locked it up, and turned and walked away...without looking back. I HAD to do that....there was no other option....
Tell me where your story is-----> my story is tragic and beautiful and full of fear, yet fearless at the same time. My story is motherly and childish, independent and dependent...my story is embracing and a real tear jerker. It's broken and scarred, it's tough and hidden....my story has lots of chapters....chapters i've erased, chapters i've ripped and thrown away, chapters i've put in huge fonts so I'll remember it....my story is still being written, and when I fall in love, another chapter, the BEST chapter will begin....THAT is where my story will be....
^^I absolutely ADORE this picture...sigh...isn't love grand....

I am a hopeless romantic...I swoon when the girl runs to kiss the boy in the movies...My heart goes fast when she doesn't think he'll show...and then he does <3...When I hear a good country song, one about love, one about what a girl does to a boys heart...I smile....I blush...I love love... xoxo J

rain storms...

2011-11-04T23:30:00.001-07:00

there is something super magnetic and wonderful about rain storms...when I see those clouds start to hover over this busy busy world, it sends chills up and down my spine and fast beatings take over in my heart...I love the rain...everything about it.
...I love the smell of rain. It's delicious scent when it touches hay growing in the fields....that's probably my favorite. Well besides rain sleeping in freshly tilled earth...hmmm...delish!

Rainy days make me want to curly up with my favorite book, sip hot chocolate, watch Elf a million times over...It makes me want to grab every blanket I have in the house and watch as water drizzles down my window...I love this weather. I love the leaves changing and the fact that the weather starts to get a little colder every day...But rainy days...those are in my heart...they take over my every essence...

....in fact. I am laying here, listening to the thunder talk with the rain...listening to the rain drop on the ground outside my window...what a sound...and I open my window, just a teeny crack, to smell the sweetness...
................
...........................

suddenly I'm homesick for wet hay and fresh wet dirt...awww the life of a small town girl with big city dreams.

xoxo J

Why you gotta be so mean..?

2011-10-29T00:29:00.000-07:00

Let me let you in on a little secret....and this secret KILLS me to admit...but honesty is big with me.
.......
...........
.....I am not always the nicest person. In fact sometimes I am really mean. I don't mean to be. Things just start coming out of my mouth, expressions start to cross my face, something gets me mad, and suddenly I find myself being very...ruthlessly...visciously. MEAN.
.......
................
.....I flee the scene, trying to avoid it the best way I can. Because let's face it, I have already stuck an entire shoe store in my mouth, if I stick around much longer, every Payless on the East side will have been swallowed by none other--> ME.
When I flee, I need to vent. I have to get it off my chest to somebody who is not immediately involved. Then I start to rationalize it, think about it, find I was actually in the wrong too (don't you hate when you come to that conclusion??), and I start to feel bad. I don't like being mean...but sometimes this monster will come out.
......
..............
.....In all honesty, they kinda had it coming...in fairness, I shouldn't have made it as big of a deal as I did...
It's like each day I find yet another reason why i am glutton for punishment...When i start to act the way I did today, for instance.
........................
..............
...In all fairness, yet again. I am this fireball of emotions. I can be completely sweet one minute, and completely vile the next. I can act so motherly to people, and turn around and throw a fit just like a child. I can be full of gentless and love, and suddenly I'm raging like a wildfire, spittin off fire in every direction. As people have pointed out, I wear my emotions on my sleeve. You know when I am happy, sad, mad, tired...you name it, I wear it. People who don't get that, or who don't get anything socially....get pinned by me.
....
.....I don't want to be rude. I don't want to be mean. So I avoid the problem. Ignorance is Bliss...Ignoring the problem means it doesn't exist...even though it does...even though it lives down the hall. I usually don't hold things in, but the passed couple of months I have..mostly cause I just didn't want to deal with it, and I didn't want to say something I shouldn't. Well.......I said a bunch of things I probably shouldn't, that childish fit came out again, annnnnd....well....I snapped. THIS.IS.WHY.JANESSA.DOESN'T.HOLD.THINGS.IN! IT'S CATASTROPHIC...!
.......
.............
.....What I am trying to say is. I am sorry that this is the way I am. I was taught better. My parents were so great and they would be ashamed of me right now. But my emotions are tied too closely to my energy. It was a horrible week, I was sick, I got in trouble, then to deal with what I had to deal with...I had had it. I really am a nice person. Yes, you probably shouldn't get on my bad sigh cause well...
--->fireball<----

.......sigh....

xoxo J

Cowboys..

2011-10-24T21:18:00.000-07:00

I don't remember if I ever posted this dream, so if I did, forgive the repeat.

My Grandpa Judd died when I was about 12 years old. He died of cancer, and it was very painful for him and hard on the family.

Sadly, I don't remember him as much as I wish I did. Beside's a great grandpa on my dad's side, he was the only grandpa I had growing up for the 12 years. I remember he was very quiet, he always had a pair of wranglers on that had good stains on them, showing he was a hard worker. He always wore cowboy boots and a cowboy hat. Grandpa loved horses and all of his kids learned how to ride them and work them. Mom helped him bring in cattle once, her saddle turned sideways and she fell off. ["

The background info on my grandpa is important to my topic today, because to me, he was a cowboy. He loved John Wayne movies and he even had a huge painting of John Wayne right smack in the middle of his living room!

A few months ago I had a very strange dream that went like this:

My family and I were at my grandma and grandpa's cabin up in Alpine, they own a few acres behind the cabin that's just meadow..but in my dream it was a ranch. The whole family was roping and branding cattle. I brought a boy with me, a very cute boy to be exact. I was standing on the metal bars of the fence that kept the cattle in and Grandpa Judd was standing next to me. Quiet. Always Quiet. After a little while he speaks, "You can tell what kind of man he is, by what kind of cowboy he is." I turned to look at him, we didn't make eye contact, he just smiled his little smile and continued to stare out at the boys brandin the cows.

I remember waking up going, "Grandpa? Are you telling me I've gotta marry a cowboy..?"

When I told my mom this dream, she laughed a little, "Janessa marrying a cowboy, wouldn't that be a sight." Mostly because at the ripe old age of 13 I lost my love affair for horses, after being thrown onto the neck of a horse. Sad day for me, not gonna lie.

Even stranger, my Grandma Judd (now Fadala, she remarried) came up to the Valley for our cousin's softball tournament this last May and we were sitting down to dinner and she tells me about a cowboy in her ward in Alpine, that he's maybe in his late 20's, early 30's...my mom laughs again because in all honesty none of my family can see me tied down on a ranch, married to a cowboy...except Grandpa Judd I guess....and Grandma Judd (Fadala)...

Here's the thing: I am a country girl, I grew up in a small town, the kind of town you only see in movies. I loved the smell of wet alfalfa after it rains. I love the wide open land that is full of dirt and grass and trees. I love the way boots sound on sidewalk. I love watching the rodeo, and seeing cowboys remove their hats to bow their heads in prayer..I love watching Western movies, John Wayne love has been enstilled into my heart. I love the idea of being on a ranch at times...and then I remember that being a rancher's wife would be hard...but i feel a tie to it at times.

I guess when it comes to a man, I really couldn't tell ya what I wanted. I could give you a list of could have's and know that it really didn't make a difference. I don't know what my dream meant...it could have just been that, a weird dream. I don't know what it means when my grandparent's have dreams about me (they do this a lot btw). I don't know when or if my time will come for a boy to come on in here and sweep me off my feet. I don't know if he'll be all country or big city, I don't know if he'll be island or foreign nation...I don't know what to expect or want.

I do know that if I could roll all the good things from all the men in my life: I'd have the perfect man. Grandpa's Judd's love for anything country, grandpa great's love for grandma great, dad's work ethic and love he shows for my mother, and papa's cookin skills and ability to make grandma laugh... I have some of the BEST men in my life already, and whoever comes in to try and steal this heart away is going to have to be pretty spectacular..

xoxo J

Me....in all her glory

2011-10-21T00:16:00.000-07:00

this is me....
....I love to laugh....
Laughing takes the pain away...
....it makes you happy...
it tries to make things better....
....even when I don't feel like laughing, somehow i manage too.
Lately i've been really stressed and confused on which paths i should be taing in life lately...
....I've always been really sad about the things I don't have in my life...
The things I feel like I am ready to have; which leads to frustration....
....This is me...
I will laugh when I need too...and when I shouldn't.
....I will be do what i'm supposed to do cause that's what others expect from me...
I will find strength to press through, even if my heart is breaking...
....I will believe in fate and destiny and that love will someday be possible.
And when I find it...
....I will be smiling...
I will be beaming...
....I will be laughing.

........cause I'll be happy.

That's what this picture says to me....

xoxo J

Giddy...

2011-10-02T22:45:00.000-07:00

Butterflies fluttering...
...starting in my stomach..
.......thumming their way into my heart.

A feeling I haven't felt...
...magically touches my heart..
.......suddenly feeling fearless.

Not knowing where to begin...
...wearing my heart on my sleeve..
.......trying to figure out what comes next.

I feel giddy...
...I feel my heart beating super fast..
.......my heart is doing the thinking.

..........(sigh)

xoxo J

Party like a Rocstar

2011-09-21T17:18:00.001-07:00

Remember my little rant on lists from this post a few months back?? no...well here's the list i made...

1. Meet people.
2. Travel...save even for tiny weekend trips somewhere.
3. Explore my photography.
4. Eat better/ excercise more.
5. Have fun, be irresponsible for a bit.
6. Figure out what makes me happy, and sticking to it

These passed few weeks have been absolutely insane with business!! I've been goin to game nights, goin to firesides and stayin out all way too late...and then last weekend we did so much it's gonna be hard to keep track of. so here's how it went down.

Friday, came home from work, had nothing to do, one of my roomates brought some people home, i wasn't going to say here all night by myself with them all so my friend from volleyball texted me about an institute social...ya...pretty much FLEW out the door to get out of the house.

went to the social.

ran into a few old friends.

then my new Tongan friends invited me to a WHITE OUT party...so much fun! sooo hot inside, sooo hot outside, sooo much fun. The cops broke that one up at midnight, so we left.

got home at like 1am saturday morning, slept till about 11am, woke up and hung out with one of my roomies most of the morning and then she said there was a BBQ for our ward at 4, so got ready within like 30 minutes, headed to the BBQ.

Went.

Met new people.

Invited tons of people to the party goin down that night.

Came home.

Was going to take a nap, but WHO HAS TIME TO SLEEP these days!!!?

So we got ready for a Luau over in East Mesa...headed to the Luau, got our little boogey on there and then headed over to the Cannadian Party (you ask what that means, it really means nothing...except 5 of the 6 guy roommates that live there are Cannadian)....

holy flip, talk about it being hot! you'd walk in and suddenly it was hard to breath! but sooo much fun. We danced, we sweated, we danced some more...then the cops broke that one up so we left, got home around 1 AGAIN and then woke up and went to church that afternoon...

soooo freakin buys. but it's been so much fun! this weekend 2 of the roomies are goin to good ol' Pomerene with me....i'm gonna expose them to some country living...and then General Conference weekend we are going to Utah for it!! i'm kiiiiiinda stoked suprisingly..i'm gonna hate myself monday when i have to go to work and i'm tired from driving and getting home late sunday...but i'm excited...

sooo anyway, back to that darn list i made:
1. i'm meeting people ALL the time and LOVING it...i feel like me again.
2. Traveling a little bit-- mini road trips home with friends and big road trip to Utah with friends and strangers ["
3. taking 2 sets of family pictures in october, AND a maternity shoot...excited.
4. JUST joined a gym TODAY!!! stoked. got a personal trainer for 3 sessions too.. DOUBLE STOKED!
5. i'm having a ball....
6. i'm exploring all the things that make me happy...and finding new things that do...and it's been great.

soooo i'm basically excited to be feeling alive again...to be feeling something again...afterall, i was much too young to be feeling so old.

i'll post party pics when we get them ["

xoxo J

Weddings...

2011-09-13T19:56:00.000-07:00

Let's face it...weddings are the SHIZ. Well when it's your wedding...or if you have a date when you're going to a wedding...

But nonetheless, weddings are splendid...i love how the groom looks at his bride, how her hand slowly make it's way into his...how they always seem to see each other out of the corner of their eyes... i love the way the brides mother beams with happiness, the way the bride's father watches the groom carefully, happily deciding this man will take good care of his baby girl... i love the way her friends and siblings can't stop smiling or laughing because they relish in the bride's happiness...i love the dress...i LOVE wedding dresses and how beautifuly they compliment a bride. i LOVE the colors, the hair, the decorations at the reception...i love it all.

Which brings me to why i chose to write about this...pinterest... (if you haven't heard of pinterest, you are living under a rock)...pinterest has gotten my hopes up... i love the satisfaction of pinning something onto one of my many boards...let's face it, i am officially addicted (and obsessed i MIGHT add) with pinterest. Sorry, I am getting off hand, kinda. Pinterest has made my obsession with weddings even worse... i now basically have an idea for every detail pinned onto my weddings board...and it has made my hopes so high that i feel if i do not have it as cute as it is displayed on there i just might turn into bridezilla...well k, not that bad, BUT my heart will probably be broken.. check out some of my ideas...

ok i know, i knw.... the chances of me having a ring like this is slim to none and that's okay...but i ADORE it. i love the 3 bands, i love the cushion cut oval ring...gorgeous.

i Love peonies...a boquet full of 'em

but of course, my billy balls would have to be in there too..

I adore backyard weddings...and when i saw this i think i just about died...it's beautiful.

part of the decor...love vintage feel at a wedding.

this picture isn't fabulous, but i love the idea...add some twinkle lights and it's perfect!

lastly, i love the simple two-tiered cake...and flowers on it..so cute right??

anyway, weddings are sublime...however pinterest has given me unrealistic ideas bout how mine will look someday...sigh...oh well...i guess that's why i have pictures to obsess over.

xoxo J

Happy

2011-08-26T16:29:00.000-07:00

Suddenly you’re smiling at everything. Laughing all the time. When you look in the mirror you don’t see sadness or frustration….you realize you’re just happy and that you’ve missed it.

I forgot what it was like to just be happy…It disappeared for so long that I felt it was out of reach…that I would never find it again. I felt frustrated and heart broken all the time. I felt rage, fear, loneliness, and loss. I didn’t know how to fix it, and I’m the “fix it” kind of girl. No matter what I tried, nothing seemed to really numb the pain. Booze or boys…nothing made it go away. It would numb the sadness and the hurt for a little while, but somehow that pain and disappointment always found its way back into my heart.

Which only made everything worse.

I needed a change…which happens to me a lot. Sometimes I feel I have a gypsy soul; can’t sit still in one spot for too long.. although, my head is a little more responsible…I can’t pick up and go, as much as my heart wants me too.. so I stay put. But that doesn’t replace the restless feelings in my heart. This change I needed now wasn’t just location…it was a change of thinking, a change of life, a change of…me.

Making the decision to move in with a bunch of LDS girls I had never met was probably the best thing I could have done for myself. I get to know people, I find my confidence slowly coming back… well in some areas… I found a familiar feeling creeping into me, it was recognizable, but I couldn’t put my finger on exactly what it was.

Then I meet this guy. Who reminds me of an old friend. He is funny and goofy and plays volleyball…I play 3 or 4 nights out of the week. Last night I played from 8pm til midnight this morning. (hated myself for that this morning when I had like all of 4 hours of sleep for work) (but it was totally worth it). I’m meeting new people there, people who share the same passion and love for volleyball as I do. Suddenly I find myself smiling at everything, laughing ALL the time, and when I look in the mirror I don’t see the sadness or the frustration…I know recognize that feeling that had been creeping up on me…that feeling I thought I would never feel again…that feeling I thought was recognizable but hard to put a finger on….suddenly I realized I was just happy….

xoxo J

Desert Storms

2011-08-20T21:38:00.000-07:00

sometimes i think my heart resembles a desert storm....calm at first, then the thunder comes unexpectedly; the winds blow wild, and the lightening becomes hard to control...sometimes my heart acts the same way: unexpectedly, wild, and uncontrollable...

-xoxo J

Lists

2011-08-05T01:16:00.000-07:00

I've never been one for lists. I find if i write things down, I either lose it, forget about it, or throw it away. I don't like writing the things i need to do out. It makes it seem like a rule...sometimes rules are meant to be broken...and other times rules just don't need to be established. So i don't make lists. Grocery lists, yes...but i even deviate from them a lot of times.
lists are not my thing.
i don't like them.
I don't do them.
I avoid them....

But lately i've been thinking about goal lists. those feel completely different. I haven't figured out why, they just do....maybe because it's something i am LOOKING forward too...maybe it's because it's something fun (seemingly). I haven't exactly figured out it's appeal yet, but i know there is one.
My aunt has told me i should write things down...that way it's set in stone or however you want to put it. I think she means so I remember that i did write them down. That they meant something to me at the moment, that i had something i wanted to work towards. so i thought about it....and suddenly i realized that these goals were all "grown up" stuff....and it broke my heart. no, there isn't anything wrong with grown up stuff...and yes, i am an adult so it's about time i stop trying to forget that ["...but this go round, i want to make goals that aren't just because i live in grown up, adult world. This time i want things that i can look back on and think, "that was a great year." or something to that extent.

i branched out. I moved in with a bunch of girls that I don't know..all LDS, hoping that it would let me get to know people..and so far, it has. each girl is nice and i'm already having the feeling that i'm gonna love 'em. which is fabulous. you always worry that your personalities will clash or you'll get annoyed. and yes, i'm sure there will be times that we don't get along, it is a house full of girls afterall, but so far things feel good...and i'm excited for whatever that might bring.

but i have to continue to make myself get out of this comfort zone i've grown so accustomed too...and that is hard. It's hard to make yourself step out of this circle you've grown to love and veer too anytime things seem shaky or scary...but i have to make myself do it...

In any case, that means making a list..and not so much to make the list rules or guidelines...but more just to write it down. so i know it's in black and white..so i know it exists. and it's not meant to strangle me or keep me grounded..it's meant to clear my mind, to help me sleep when it's 1:30 in the morning...

So here it goes.
1. Meet people.
2. Travel...save even for tiny weekend trips somewhere.
3. Explore my photography.
4. Eat better/ excercise more.
5. Have fun, be irresponsible for a bit.
6. Figure out what makes me happy, and sticking to it.

That's all i have for right now. And i'm not including school or work related stuff on this list. i don't like those lists...

i am sick of feeling like life has passed me by. i've gotten so far ahead in life, and i'm soooo proud of it. but i feel like i've missed out on being a kid somewhere in the middle of growing up...and that's nobody's fault but my own. I didn't used to be like this. It wasn't ever hard for me to strike up a conversation, find something relatable and go with it. I liked meeting new people, i liked going out with them. Then i gained 80 lbs (not lyng or exagerating) and all that self confidence went out the door with a slam. I hated looking in the mirror, i hated that make up couldn't mask the ugliness....and i've let myself believe it all for years...and getting myself out of the rutt has been hard. and no matter how many times people tell me i'm pretty or not fat or whatever...i tune it out. i know they are lying or trying to make me feel better, so i just pretend like i agree with them, make up some silly excuse and change the subject. I can't walk up and talk to somebody because if i don't think i'm pretty or like myself, why should anybody else (yes this is mostly guy related)...so i want to work on all of this. and i know it's going to take time, and i know there will be things i push the backspace button on, and others that i'll add numbers and a new idea onto. but i don't want to be afraid to chase it, to go after it. I don't want to be afraid to talk to somebody and i don't want to be afraid to be whoever i am...i don't want to be like that anymore.

so here's to stupid lists....and knowing they aren't rules to live by.

xoxo J

Princes and Princesses

2011-07-08T09:57:00.000-07:00

Last night i was thinking about how as girls we watch these fairytale movies, where everything ends happily ever after. And as girls, we crave those kind of things. But then i started to think about myself...I'm not really into the Prince Charming sort of thing. Here is what i came up with:

"You can't save the damsel if she likes her distress. She can take care of herself. She doesn't need Prince Charming or a Knight and Shining Armor. She just needs to know somebody's gonna be there to hold her at the end of the day."

This doesn't mean that i'm not interested in somebody who's going to be sweet and charming or whatever. It just means that i don't need to be swept off of my feet, i can stand on my own. And it doesn't mean that i have anything wrong with fairytales, after all, they all end happily ever after...

xoxo J

PS. it doesn't mean i don't want to be treated like a princess either ["

What If?

2011-06-29T17:39:00.000-07:00

The past couple of years I have been asking myself a lot of "what if's?" questions. Why? Because that is just how life goes sometimes. I hate it when i get into one of these moods too because who wants to live thinkin, "what if?"
I just want to walk up and say what i NEED to say, do something impulsive and stop looking back asking myself, "what if?" because I'm tired of looking back thinking that life would have been different if i would have just been brave enough to take a chance....I started out this year with a goal to take chances, to just dare to jump...and i'm gonna have to continue to do it. If i can get my heart racing and run and jump off of a cliff then why can't i do the impulsive thing i WANT to do..? Confusing...i know haha.

xoxo J

I can relate.

2011-06-28T09:43:00.000-07:00

If you haven't heard of Blush Photography and it's beautiful owner Brooke you are missing out on A LOT! she is a breath of fresh air for me. I LOVE looking at her pictures, the way she sees a photography is absolutely stunning. Her creative mind is astounding! i pretty much ADORE her. She has a personal blog that you can check out too. She has this way with words that paints a picture, just like her pictures speak a million words. they compliment each other. Her talents go beyond just being behind a camera.
As i was reading my dose of her today i was absolutely stunned by something she said,

I have to feel how much a broken heart hurts. Its not a cliche when people say, its like a piece is missing. Its odd to walk around not whole, almost like you aren't in your own body. Its not a matter of a person missing, but its your faith.

I have been trying to figure out how to put it in words for WEEKS. i've had sooo much on my mind and in my heart and i had NO WORDS to describe it. Which is rare for me if you know me. Nothing seemed right when i would write it out. Nothing sounded beautiful and painful at the same time. I couldn't figure out how to put what my heart was feeling. And not only does Brooke from Blush Photography stun me with her photos, but yet again, stops my breath with her words. She nailed it, exactly what i have been trying to say for weeks now. Because she is right, it's not a cliche when you say, it's like a piece is missing...it hurts. And you don't know why, other than you don't feel whole and you're having to put a smile on for everybody around you. You are having to make sure you are strong even though you just feel like breaking apart...It's hard. i can't say i've expierenced it EXACTLY how she did. I know her heart is breaking, when i look at her blog I feel her heart breaking. We've all experienced one of those...somebody leaves, you lose somebody, somebody decides to not love you anymore...and it hurts. But everybody's heartbreak is different. and the way we cope with it...is also different.

Mine is over something i don't have. I feel like love was lost on me, and it's hard when you're a person who's heart is willing to love anybody! It's hard when you've got a heart who gets your hopes up over a laugh or a smile. It's hard when you've got this heart who WANTS you to know love and BE IN love...And it's hard when that heart starts to break beacause you don't have what you want. i shouldn't complain, i act like it doesn't bother me, but deep down, it kind of does. It's hard when you can't see how beautiful the person is in front of you...it's hard when you can't see what you're heart is trying to tell you because you've blocked out the feelings for so long. This poor heart has had to suffer through years of not letting people in and not letting it love like it was meant too....and THAT was not what THIS heart was meant for. I'm all heart, and i don't know how much longer this ol' heart is gonna be able to keep itself in line. It feels like it's about to bust. The thing about me is, i don't mind being alone, that doesn't bother me. In fact sometimes i get a high off of being by myself....but when that loneliness factor comes in, that's when the fears and the breaking heart comes in...and sometimes it just hurts too much. "Like a piece of you is missing." and you know it's the best part of you and you don't know how to find it. And you don't know why you miss something you don't have, and you don't know why you're heart is broken over something that doesn't exist....but you know that it hurts...

xoxo J

I'm 13 again.

2011-06-20T21:46:00.000-07:00

Remember when you were really little and boys had cooties? The thought of holding a boys hand or kissing him or even going close to him never even crossed your mind. Remember how the only time you did go near a boy was when you were playing line tag or soccer or basketball? Then 13 happened. And you're in this awkward stage of your life where everything changes. Suddenly body parts you didn't know existed...umm exist. And suddenly you're attempting to have your clothes match, and you're waking up earlier to make sure your make up is done and your hair is just "perfect". And you can't figure out why you're doing this exactly except that all your friends are...and then you realize that "hey, that boy isn't that bad. maybe his cooties have worn off." And then you find yourself laughing at all their jokes and making sure you chase after them when you're playing line tag and HOPE they pick you to be on their basketball team. AND maybe...JUST maybe he'll buy you a candy bar at the candy sale Friday. Funny how things change that quickly....

I feel 13 again. My hair has to be done, my make up has to feel just right and my clothes have to somewhat match (lets face it i've never been that great at that part). I find myself giggling to hope i get his attention. And i try ever so often to glance over and make sure he is looking my way. I laugh inside of my head when he seems to not know what to say to me or if he should say anything at all to me. I laugh at the fact that we are 13 and don't know how to act. Butterflies attack my stomach when i know we have to be close to each other and a BIG smile comes on my face when i finally catch him looking at me and quickly looking away out of embarassment of being caught. I've got this whole wishful thinking goin on inside my head that maybe, JUST maybe he'll think i'm cute...and that maybe JUST maybe he'll want to talk to me. and maybe JUST maybe....i'll be brave enough to talk to him. And i find myself wanting to see him ALL the time and get to know him to make sure i do in fact like him as much as i've made myself believe.

And suddenly, I don't wish for days where boys had cooties... but i wish for days where 13 seemed easier...where all you had to worry about was if he was going to pick you to be on his team for basketball or not. It wasn't hard to talk to them cause you knew them your whole life. It wasn't hard to admit you might think they were cute, because they knew you their whole life. It all seemed so much easier...because we were 13 and what did we know about relationships and how they started or what not. The only thing good about this....is those butterflies attacking your stomach...it never changes. It always feels the same way...and you can't help but smile at them bumpin into each other. Because you know they're gonna flutter right on up to your heart and you can't wait for that moment to come....

xoxo J

Fools Rush In

2011-06-12T22:22:00.000-07:00

So one of my ALL TIME favorite movies is Fools Rush In with Matthew Perry and Salma Hayek. LOVE this movie. When i was in high school, well mostly all my life it seems, i was a big believer in signs, that all around us were signs for fate or destiny, and it was our choice to ignore them or notice them. Whichever we decided. Then something happened along the way and i forgot and I became like Salma Hayek's character. She was a big believer in signs and then her heart got broken over and over and she says this:

Isabel Fuentes: I thought it was fate. But it was just a stupid, superstitious dream. There are no signs, Alex. We're different and always will be

I understood how she felt. You put your whole heart into believing that everything happens for a reason. That there are signs all around us that lead us to every choice in life, every love, every heart break, every good or bad thing. That something bigger than any of us could ever understand, was there putting these signs in our way because we were all too blinde or busy to notice them. And then one day your heart just can't take it anymore, and you forget the reasons you beleived in fate and destiny to begin with. you lose hope...you give up on any possibility of "what was meant to be." and start to live by the credo, "good things happen to those who get up and make something of it."
And apart of me really does believe that. I think that good things come to those who work hard for them. who are willing to go and chase them. but sometimes it's okay to sit and wait for that opportune moment. That moment that sticks out like a sore thumb, and you know if you don't take this chance RIGHT NOW it will slip away from you...and then something good COULD come of it and you wonder, "Is this a sign?" "Were they really there all along?"

I was always the girl who believed in destiny, who always figured fate existed and that there were signs all around us directing us to it. Then one day it all seemed too unreal, too childish....and i stopped believing.

But i'm starting to realize that deep down, the way my heart feels about things, never changed. I am a beleiver in fate and destiny...AND signs. I do beleive that things happen for a reason int his life, and i KNOW there has to be clear cut obvious signs for me to follow because i am allllways running around like a chicken with my head cut off and probably would be too busy to notice whatever was going on around me. I am a believer in love at first sight. I think you can see a person from across the room and feel something, whether it is lust, a crush, or this feeling that someday you and that person are going to be together. I am a beleiver that we are all fools, and as fools, we all rush in to everything.

The grandma on the movies tells Salma Hayek's character, "You will never know love unless you surrender to it." and that is true. We have to open up our hearts and believe that love is possible. That doesn't mean that in past relationships there weren't signs. There were good ones at times, and ones you now say to yourself, "I wish i paid attention to that." or try to admit that you never saw it coming. but the signs are always there....

I guess what i am finally admitting, (TARA), is that i do believe in fate and destiny and signs being all around us trying to get our attention. I do believe in things like love at first sight, hearts beating so fast that you think it's going to pound out of your chest. I beleive in those things...because i am a dreamer, a romantic, i am full of passion and fire, i'm a fighter and all these things bundled up into a tiny little person. I may be a Fool, but I would rather be a Fool who beleived in such silly things, then be stuck feeling bitter and lost as to why i stopped believing in them. After all, there's nothing wrong with fairytales, everyone lives happily ever after.

xoxo J

honestly honest

2011-06-04T02:19:00.001-07:00

I have this big problem with staying on topic once i've got a million and one things in my mind. so bare with me. OH also, this post will be EXTREMELY confusing because i really can't say names. If you know me, you'll probably know who i'm talking about...well maybe. i guess i figure if i can't be honest here, i can't be honest anywhere, and i also figure that nobody but myself actually reads this thing, so i shouldn't have anything to worry about...but that ol' saying of, "once it's on the internet, it's always on the internet." still applies. so again, bare with me.

I was clearning out some totes (tryin to figure out what could be thrown away, what needs to be stored) and stumbled on an old scrapbook. In high school i was really BIG in the scrapbooking thing. I would go out and buy a camera (because digital wasn't really in when i was in high school, geese i'm old ha) and i would snap snap snap away on it, wait anxiously for the film to be developed, rip open the sticky label and instantly pull out my scrabooking material's and figure out what picture needed to go where. It was satisfying to me. anyway, so i stumbled across this really old scrapbook, and inside it were pictures i hadn't seen in forever, old friends, old memories..a life that seems like it was forever ago, when in reality it was only a few years. But what i also found was an old boyfriend, stuffed back in the back so i coldn't see him. I remember how in love i thought i was with this guy. And yes, i'm sure in my little high school heart of hearts, it was "true love." He was sweet, and funny, and made me feel special. And when you find a guy like that, you shouldn't let him go. But alas, all good things do come to an end.

Experiencing heart break isn't fun, whether it's the first time, or the millionth time, that split right down the middle does a number on ya. especially to us girls. because we are creatures of the heart, what men think, we FEEL. It's as easy and as complicated at that (your welcome men) ["

I took the heartbreak pretty bad and then you pile on a bunch of other high school crap and that can really cause some serous damage to a teenager. When the hits keep on comin, it's easiest to duck, hide, run, join in as the dish chases the spoon (it's late, give me a break). You never once think, "things will be fine." because as a teenager, the word "fine" really isn't a feeling. It's a numbing reminder that you really don't feel that great but you dont' want to be bugged or lectured on what your heart ACTUALLY feels. So you just smile, nod, and say, "i'm fine."

When you are finally able to look past the heartbreak, when that crack down the middle slowly but surely is taped back up, you realize you can't hate the person who did that to you. That it was high school, nothing lasts forever (thank goodness, the amount of zits i accumlated over the 4 years there seemed never ending) [". You realize that life goes on, that you can't stop living, that your heart got broken, you have to face that fact and just get over it. People will nag you about hating that person because, "How dare he say he loves you." "I just can't believe he would do that to you...again!" "Could he be any more stupid?" and you nod and smile again because believe it or not, you've already pointed these things out to yourself once, twice, three times before. But it just doesn't matter to you anymore..you're not sad about it, you're not mad at him, you're not hurt or bitter or angry or whatever. You're happy that he is happy, and you know that it wasn't meant to be. That you were only in each other's lives for that little, itsy bitsy moment. That's all folks. End of story, and we all sing a round of Que Sera, Sera.
Life went on, the broken heart healed, in fact it's better than it used to be, where he is concerned. and you're happy for him, and you're happy for you, and you think you'd probably like the new girl in his life, no you're not thinkin about becoming pen pals or something. It is just a thought you have, that maybe you should keep to yourself. ha

Suddenly you realize it's not the old pictures of him and you that you miss. it's having somebody to hold your hand and laugh at you when you sing the wrong words to a song. It's somebody who is going to put up with your crabbiness, becase *gasp* they do have a 6 IN THE MORNING too. Somebody who will kiss you even if your breath stinks. Somebody who will shake his head at you when you yet again start twirling your hair around your finger. It's those things you miss, things that pictures didn't catch. things that couldn't be shoved in the very back of a book to be forgotten. Details. even the littlest of details make up a memory, the pictures are just there to prove that the memory existed once upon a time.

and speaking of pictures (but a whole nother story of heart breaking, not involving a boy) you see one of your best friends. Somebody you confided in, told some of your deepest secrets too. Somebody who knew you very well, sometimes better than yourself. She pointed out that I was made of fire and passion. That i had to feel everything i went through in life. She knew i wasn't always the logical thinker, that sometimes i was impulsive and didn't always think things through. She loved how i fought for the things that i fell in love with, the things i wanted to be better, the things that i felt were wrong, the things i felt that were right..basically i fought for anything i put my mind too. She laughed at my stubborn side, my head strong ways. She laughed at all my stupid jokes, in fact she made up half of them with me. We had so many inside jokes it was hard to keep track of them all. I miss this person, very much. This person was a BIG part of my life. Like most people in my life, i was very protective of her, i was always there when any form of trouble was brewed, big or small. She knew i was going to take care of it. I have all of these old pictures, ones from a time that is hard to remember, hard to grasp the fact that it even existed. That saying, "keep the pictures, it's not the memories that change in them, it's the people." couldn't be MORE true. Sometimes my heart aches when i find a picture of her smiling her huge smile, or making a funny face. Finding one from our childhood where she is watching my every move and trying to mimick it. Sometimes it's hard to see her and realize the person in the picture isn't the same girl i used to know and love. And that breaks my heart. I miss having somebody who knew all of my inside jokes (mostly because she was apart of them all). I miss having that person i could giggle and text stupid movie lines too. That's the sucky thing about life sometimes, your heart breaks no matter what.

Sometimes it's a boy, or two, or even three...maybe more. You fall hard and fast and just as easily fall out. Each time it hurts worse than the last, and each time it ends you swear when another relationship begins you won't make the same mistakes...inevitably you do though. But you get over those, usually as soon as another boy comes along who responds to the batting of eyelashes. But when it's somebody who's been in your life for years, who never left you when you beat them up with a book; somebody who watched every heart break, who listened to all the blabbering tears, who tried to understand even if it was well over her head. Somebody who when you look at the pictures you don't think, "I wish i had that again." but instead think, "Who is this person in this picture?" because one of you realizes the other has changed...but the other one refuses to acknowledge that fact, and instead convinces herself this new version of her is who she was all along. and your heart breaks...and it hurts MORE than a million boyfriend break ups. In fact, when this crack starts to form, it causes a bunch of other cracks until your heart feels like it's one tap away from being chiseled.

Pictures last forever...as do the memories. The pictures never capture the bad times, the struggles that got you to the smiles or the hugs or the kisses in each picture. And those are lifes tricks and quorks. The behind the scenes action that nobody else knows about. And once the picture is developed, a flood of memories commes rushing in. ones you had forgotten till you saw the picture...funny how it can do that to you. Funny how a picture can make you remember the good times. Sometimes pictures make me want to jump in them and relive the happy smiles captured in them...sometimes pictures do that to us, makes me wonder if the two people in the photo would still be smiling if they knew what the future would bring...

I still love taking photos, i love to capture those moments that tug on the heart. A gentle kiss between a couple, a big brother putting his arm around his litter sister, the way a man looks at his wife- the same way he's looked at her for the past 30 years. I love those little moments. Because you know it wasn't always good times, that sometimes there was struggles and heart breaks but each moment lead up to something worth being captured.

I guess sometimes I wonder if i'm still that person, bundled up with fire and passion. I know i'm still a fighter; my words are usually what's impulsive (this post for example). I wonder if somebody could still love me, flaws and all. Because my flaws are pretty good too. Mostly because they are driven with that same fire and passion that run my life.
Sometimes people ask me, "did you really love *them*?" them referring to any boy i ever said i love you too. And i usually respond yes, but each one was differently. And i think that's important. Each person opens up a different version of YOU. Sometimes it's the better version and sometimes it's the worst. Either way you usually learn something about yourself, or expand on another. Each one is bumpy, each one is full of laughter and tears and all sorts of things-good and bad. But i guess all great love's are.
People will also ask me if i miss my friend? the answer is yes. I miss the peson she was, the person WE were. But i can't go down the road she has chosen to go down, and it's not because i don't enjoy a good fight. It's because i've already been down that road, a time or two; i know where it goes. i know how it ends. I personally don't like the person i am when i was living that way. Each of us make our own decisions, and we all have to choose the paths we want to take in life. She has made hers, and i have made mine. I love her to pieces, for you always love one of your best friends, but i can't be that version of myself, i can't let myself get dragged down that road for "old times sake." Who knows what will become of her or me, but it's nice to know i still have an old picture, full of old memories, full of old laughter...when the present time wasn't even aware of how much pain a heart could cause.

xoxo J

Happy bday Kray

2011-06-03T18:15:00.001-07:00

Remember this yucky, gold lookin frame? Yaup the one from this post?

WELLLLLL now it looks sooo very pretty! and BELEIVE me Amanda is pretty excited about this because the frame takes up A LOT of room and has been manuevered around different areas in the apartment. So she is glad this is finished.
My neice Kirayli will turn 1 on tuesday. Her birthday party is this Sunday so i HAD to get this finished today. and i am sooo glad that i did. I knew the look i wanted for this was vintage. the minute i went dumpster diving for it i KNEW it had to be red. i also knew it would make the cutest bow holder ever! I've been looking for material for a whiel and hadn't found anything i loved, so today i went to Joann's and found the flowered material:

It's not very very vintage, but i still loved it. IT was soft enough that the colors wouldn't clash or distract with the red, but then i had to figure out how to bring it all together, IN CAME the red jewlery pieces, i was soooo excited i found these and that they were the exact color of the frame.

Lastly, i REALLY wanted to make sure it looked a little vintage so i bought some pretty cream lace to tie the whole vintage look together.

And here's the finished look... what do you think?

Happy Birthday June Bug, auntie loves you.
xoxo J

Day 5

2011-06-03T00:53:00.000-07:00

Day 5--A photo of yourself two years ago.

2 years ago- i went from being a blonde to a REALLY dark brunette.
2 years ago- baby girl wasn't 9 years old.
2 years ago0 I was in college.

awww 2 years ago...for some reason things seemed easier, more fun. haha. oh well, life goes on.

xoxo J

Day 4

2011-06-02T10:57:00.000-07:00

Day 4---Your favorite photograph of your best friend.

this isn't my FAVORITE photo of my best friend, it's just the only one if have on my computer. I don' thave a scanner, which is probably good in Saraya's case because i could seriously embarass her here. haha. But here is why i love this picture:
See us laughing there? a weird laugh to boot...we were at my house takin a prom picture and my dad is tellin us to say cheese or something like that and for some reason i slap saraya's hand (i can't remember why, maybe she was tryin to pinch my butt or something lol). and the laugh we are doing, is the exact moment my dad caught the picture...soooo there it is.
Now let me tell you reasons why she is my bestie of all best friends:
-She can make me laugh on days where it seems like laughter isn't in my near future.
-She will pack bad make up on her face, and do the "running bull" off of the pacifiar....at which point when she charges at you, she slips on her own make up bag and crashes right into you, knocking you both onto the couch.
-She will eat ice cream with you on the COLDEST flippin day in Octoboer.
-She is there with a shoulder to cry on.
-She won't kill you when you climb through her window and pretty much land on her at 8 in the morning....she wouldn't answer the door ["
-She memorizes How to lose a guy in 10 days AND Miss Congieniality with you.
-She will even put on her jogging shoes and go "jogging" with you....we dk why we wanted to do this by the way.
-She will go to the fair with you JUST to walk around because you don't like Fair rides...however, we do LOVE fair food!
-She will let you vent no matter what is goin on in her day.
-She laughs at ALL your dumb jokes. cause lets face it Ray, i'm really not that funny.
-She loves Hands for Health smoothies, yes we get one every time we are in Thatcher.
-She will come on the LAME senior trip with you so that you're not alone. REALLY she's a saint.
-She will give ya the 2 most beautiful kidlets ever. one nephew, Titan, who is seriously such a smart kid. He loves his auntie! and my lil june bug, Kirayli, she is so sweet and so beautiful and laughs at auntie lots. She gets that from Saraya [" haha
-Basically, my best friend is absolutely amazing! She is beautiful and smart and kind! i love her to death and i am soooo glad that she is my best friend.

xoxo J

Day 3

2011-05-30T21:15:00.000-07:00

Day 3 - Your idea of the perfect date.

Funny that this is the thought for today because there has been a whole of dating talk goin on the whole day.

Backstory (i will try to make it short haha) basically every blinde date i have gone on has been awful! haha. There has been tranzie's and pot smoking drum players, socks with velcro sandals and absolutely no communication oncesoever, there has been gold fish races (i know right!) so basically all of my blinde dates have just been...well eventful and interesting. this is my life.

I am 22 years old. I am still prettty dang young, although i guess in LDS timeline i'm how do i put this, "past my expiration date" haha. so my family worries at times...worries a little too much i might add too. Some of my family members will take my side and say it's not a big deal, that i should focus on being young, blah blah. But most of my family is like, "Janessa, get a jump on this. You need to get married quickly...hurry hurry hurry." my great grandmother has even had a dream about marrying me off...it's never ending. ha and most the time i get a kick out of it because they all get worked up about it, and somedays i think, "maybe i should hurry." and then other dsays i think, "no, things are fine right now." haha. so it's a never ending up and down rollercoaster where dating is concerned. ha

anyway, so i guess the "perfect date" would NOT include the following:
tranzies
people who are high, banging on drums
guys who wear velcro sandals with socks (basically no velcro sandals on guys period)
guys who refuse to carry a conversation with me
gold fish who are forced to race...
(this is a long list here aint it)

I can't say i have a "perfect date" in mind. So long as i am laughing and having a good time and the guy isn't completely weird, I am good! haha but i would think a FUN date would be playing paint balloons. (watch 10 things i hate about you ha) super fun lookin!

xoxo J

Jump

2011-05-29T23:04:00.000-07:00

Last night I was talking with Amanda. We have these conversations often (when she's home at the same time I am hah) anyway, we were talking about life and how scared i am about EVERY little thing. I was telling her about a conversation I had with my dad a couple of days before. I told my dad that i wanted to make a travel fund, so just in case i ever got over my fear of flying i would have money to go and travel to all the amazing places i want to see. My dad laughed and said, "You've got to get back on a horse first." I laughed and told him, "I am facing one fear at a time dad, let me wrap my head around one before i move onto another one." He laughed, of course, because i am sure he is trying to figure out how he ended up with a daughter who is chicken about EVERYTHING! ha. I was telling Amanda about the time i decided to jump off a cliff. I remember sitting there watching all these kids doing it, it didn't look like it was that high, so i got up, turned to my aunt and said, "I'm gonna do it." She clapped her hands and starting cheering (yes, she was a rah-rah, we love her anyway ha) and so i start climbing this massive hill of black sand, I am not thinking about what it is i'm about to do, all i am thinking is you can do this. Being the fat, out of shape kid that i am, i finally get the top of this cliff sort thing, out of breath, with a bunch of kids waiting their turn. They all could see this was a big deal for me so they all let me go the minute i got up there. I was tempted to look over the edge to see how crazy i was actually being, but knew if i looked down, i wouldn't do it. So i closed my eyes, took a deep breath, opened my eyes and ran....and then found myself sailing through the air and then falling very quickly down into the black sand. I screamed of course, threw my hands up in the air. rolled a few times, and then looked back at what i had just done. I smiled at my stupidity and my courage, because i didn't think about it, I just jumped. I was amazed at how courgeous i could be when i put my mind to it.

Then the other night we were watching Narnia (the 2nd one with hot prince caspian lol) and the youngest girl tells Azlan, "I wish i was braver." and Azlan laughs, "If you were any braver you'd be a lioness." And i got to thinking..courage comes by facing our fears. But i also think courage comes from being open to trying to face those fears. I have a million and one of them, i never saw myself jumping off of a little old cliff, and maybe it really wasn't as big of a deal to anybody else, but it was to me. I kept sitting there thinking, "Will i look back and regret this if i don't try to do it," I already knew the answer. That is why i got up, that is why i climped the hill, that is why i didn't look before i jumped. Because sometimes life requires you to jump without looking. the theory goes, "The things that scare the hell out of you, usually end up being the most worth while."

Maybe one day, the travel fund i want to start will come in handy. But one fear at a time, and the next one is a horse. AND for the record, i have gotten on a horse, in fact i was on one a few years ago, and i did GOOD. haha it took me 20 minutes to get on the stupid thing, but i did it. Now i just have to do it again. i LOVED horses, i always wanted a plain white one; i was going to name her Snowflake. And then we had to watch my Aunt's horse for a while, she was all white and beautiful and i took such good care of her. One day we were out riding and she got spooked and took off, I got thrown onto her neck and rode upside down hangin onto her until my dad could get to the reins and slow her down. It scared me so bad that i never wanted to get on a horse again. So i didn't...and i hated myself for not being brave enough to do it. And the airplane thing--i just don't want to die in an airplane. I don't want to crash into the ocean, or a mountain, or anything like that. The thought of dying that way terrifies me! and i haven't a clue why. I'm just weird like that. SO hopefully one of these days i can face that fear because there's a whole wide world out there just waiting for me to discover it...i don't have time to be chicken.

Sometimes i feel like life is all about taking risks. When you see a cute boy, you take a risk to ask him out. And then you take another risk to tell him how much you like him, and maybe another to ask him to be your boyfriend. Maybe you take a risk by telling your opinion. i KNOW i take a risk for standing up for what i belive in, but even though some of these risks are harder than the others, we still take risks every day. It's almost like life sets us up for them. some are big, others are small, and it's our job to take them. some will scare the hell out of you, others won't impact you at all. but it's our job to make the best out of them.

I've often told people that i have no regrets on the life i've lived. Yes, there are things in my life that i wish i didn't do, but to be honest, i wouldn't go back and change them, because they have shaped me into the person i am now. Without them i wouldn't be where i am today. But my only regrets come from the things i didn't do or say. The risks i didn't take when i knew i should have. Because i let this little thing called fear get in my way. And i hate that i let it control me so much, i hate that it's apart of every decision i make. and i'm not saying i want to go and do the most stupidest thing ever. that's not what i am saying, and i'm not encouraging anybody to go and do that. All i am saying is, we are all afraid of something; and there is always that ONE thing we wish we could just "get over" and it's difficult and you try and you fail, and so you give up, and then try again and it's a never ending cycle. Because facing your fear is hard, it's challenging, sometimes too much for even the most strong headed person to handle.

I am hoping this summer i can work on some of those. I'm gonna get back on the horse, in more ways than one. Literally speaking and not so literal. I want to be the outgoing person i used to be. I don't want to feel awkward and out of place when i'm around a bunch of young, singld LDS people. I don't want to feel like they are judging me or could never like me. I want to be able to put myself out there and make friends again. I want to enjoy my youth, before it is gone and lost. I want to go on dates...LOTS of them, EVEN if it's gold fish racing haha. (inside joke). I don't want to look back, like i have been, WISHING i would have done things differently. WISHING that my fear of being rejected or not accepted wasn't holding me back.

I have now learned that sometimes life is all about taking that jump. sometimes you have to close your eyes and take a deep breath and just do what's going to scare the hell out of you. sometimes you have to believe in yourself and try not to let that fear eat at you because it will. the more power you give it, the more control it will have. It's awful! and trust me, i know. Little miss chicken over here is the queen of letting fear take over. I don't want to be scared to live my life the way i want to live it..not anymore. I have too big of plans and dreams invested into this thing we called life. And i am muuuuuch too young to feel so old and distant from people my own age.

Life is waiting...just breath in...close your eyes and then open them quickly...ask yourself, will i regret it if i don't try it....and then jump. Life is too short to focus on all the things that WILL go wrong. The way i see it, Tomorrow is a brand new day full of mistakes to be made. LEARN from those mistakes, they will help you to be the person you WANT to be. FACE your fears, they will help you find the courage you need to face the world.

xoxo J

(Here are a few places from my list of travels.)
Italy

The architecture, the history, the FOOD haha. it's just such a beautiful place

New York

i LOVE the hustle and bustle of things. this city intrigues me, just looking at pictures i feel my blood start to dance. ha

London

i think London and New York are my top ones (love how i put things in order huh ha) the story of peter pan is one of my favorites and i would love to see the peter pan statue.

xoxo J

Impatient Girl

2011-05-24T20:45:00.000-07:00

If you haven't heard Kate Voegele's new song "Impatient Girl" You have GOT to go directly to itunes, youtube, wherever you go and listen to it! i love her, she never disappoints. everything she does speaks to me and that's when you know she's a good artist. I love music and it usually helps me with whatever mood I am in, i crave music most the time, crave it like sweets. There are days where i'm a lyric kind of girl, where i have to analyze every part of it until something inside of that song mimics how i feel. then there are days where i am just a music girl, all i need is a good beat so i can shake my bum to it. That's the fantastic thing about music, you can live in both worlds, lyrics and beats.

anyway, as much as i could probably go on about music, really it's the lyrics today that are what i am going to focus on. "Impatient Girl" the chorus says exactly how i am feeling right now!!

I ain't never been a patient girl baby, I ain't built like this. The way you're takin' your time has got me jumpin' ship And I won't lie let's call this what it is An impatient girl waiting on an empty wish I'm an impatient girl.

Lately I have been feeling very impatient (which isn't anything new) but it seems like it's been a lot worse lately. I feel restless ALL the time; I have days where i just want to pack a suitcase, fill the car up, and drive...drive until i find wherever it is i'm supposed to be. And that doesn't sound silly or childish, because right now, i am DESPERATELY trying to figure out what is next. and I am not the type of girl who just sits and waits for things to happen, i'm the go getter kind of girl, i have to be chasing it, fighting for it, and when i don't have a clue on what it is i'm looking for, it makes it a little hard to do any of those things...and yes, it drives me crazy.. hence why "Impatient Girl" applies ["

There are things that i WANT in my life, and i can't have them right now, and that makes me feel impatient as well. I get all these ideas in my head and then don't know where to start, or which one to choose. It shouldn't be this difficult, and i know it's really just how my brain works, because my brain only functions after my heart makes the decision for me. I konw, that doesn't make sense...try livin with that every day! haha

So I am moving to Pomerene for the summer, gonna live over by my parents, and it's gonna be nice to be in the country again...i don't realize how much i miss it until I'm helpin my mama plant her flowers or helpin dad trim trees. And these are not tasks i usually like to do...at all. i can handle the flowers, but i'm not really an outside worker [" ha. but i miss being with my family, and being in small towns and having aunts and uncles around, so i am excited to be leaving the city for a while. I joke that sometimes it sucks being a small town girl with big city dreams. This is how all my friends describe me and honestly it is me to a "T". and i LOVE that about myself. I had to get out of that town. I could feel it sucking all of my dreams and plans out of me and i just couldn't stay there. i always knew i was meant for more, something...anything. and even though i've done good for myself, i don't think i've really tapped into my greatness yet...and i honestly don't know what to do to make all that happen. I love parts of the city, i love the lights and how they dance at night time, i love the hustle and bustle (at times) i love all the shopping there is, movies, and different things it offers...but i love everything about a small town..the way it smells when it rains, the way wet hay smells, the early morning fog, the stars shining bright. people stopping to chat, it's all apart of me, i'm in both places, my heart belongs in the city, but it can't wait to get back to a small town. Luckily Pomerene isn't the small town i couldn't wait to get out of...so it's not bad going back ["

I am looking forward to the summer, and i hope it is full of new possibilities. Because i need them. I need something to throw my heart into, and i hope i find it. I hope i find something that makes me happy...cause it's no fun goin through life pretending like everything is just "fine".

xoxo J

Day 2

2011-05-24T20:00:00.000-07:00

Day 2- Tell us about your job

I am currently working as a Speech Therapist Assistant for a company called Ridge Zeller They are a great company!
I'ved worked for them for a school year, and the therapists that i work with are fabulous! I've learned a lot and even though I haven't gotten into grad school yet, i am learning A LOT and it's been a lot of fun.

I am glad that summer is here though, i feel like i am getting my sanity back. LOL, but it's been such an awesome experience! and I'm so glad that i have been able to work as an SLPA.

My other job is as a photographer. I know TWO different sides of the spectrum there huh? But i love it, photography is my passion!! and I am learning a lot and would like to continue learning as much as i can too.

xoxo J

31 day challenge

2011-05-17T22:15:00.000-07:00

Hey ya'll!
So i found this 31 day challenge thing on another blog I read. And i thought, i've had a hard time coming up with things to write, i might as well join in. seems like it could be fun. So here it goes.

Day 1--A photo of yourself and a description of how your day was.

Today wasn't too bad. I got up way too early, but was okay wit it because this is the last day of work until the school year starts back up so yes we can scream a big YIPEE!! i already did ["

I did TONS of paperwork today, soooo many copies that i felt like they were comin out of my eyeballs! ha. if that is at all possible. But work went by fast.
Then i got my oil changed and spent way too much money at Hobby Lobby BUT i got Charmayne's engagement pics all scrapbooked to use as a sign in thing for her wedding! i am smart AND crafty...at times...it's a gift sometimes! And now i am finishing watching The Patriot. saddest movie, serously, we cry! ha.

And i WANT a BIG bowl of cereal!

xoxo J

Sundays

2011-05-15T23:13:00.000-07:00

Tonight is one of those nights where i just don't want to close my eyes. i know i'm tired, i know i NEED to go to sleep because in less than 6 hours my alarm will go off to get up for work and i will be cursing the fact that i stayed up WAY too late the night before. this is a routine that i NEED to break, but habits are hard to break...sometimes even hard to bend.

Sundays make me a little nostalgic I think. They make me contemplate on the things i have, the things i want, and the things i can't change. It almost feels melonchally when Sunday's come around. Sometimes i will feel lost and my thoughts start to get all jumbled up in my little head. Then i start to feel like the mess i've always known myself to be.

I guess today i kept thinking about what is next...I know that everything happens for a reason. And that sometimes reason isn't good enough when we don't exactly know what that reason is. Today i found a quote that said something like, "Life will reveal answers at the pace life wishes to do so. You feel like running, but life is on a stroll. This is how God does things." This is what started my thinking I guess. My dad dubbed me "high speed" as a kid. And nothing has changed. I am always running 4 steps ahead, goin 50 miles an hour, racing through life just trying to get to the places i FEEL i need to be. And most the time, i am wrong. and most the time i haven't got a CLUE as to what i'm doing. And then somebody slams the brakes on me, throwing me off the road. I hate it when that happens by the way. And that is when i have to come to terms that even thought i feel like running, life is on a stroll.

Sometimes i feel weighed down because there are things in my life that i just want to get to already. Call me high speed right? And slowly, i am learning that life really does set its own pace and as much as i want to be in control, i just can't be. Then i get to thinking that maybe this is life's way of telling me that all these things i want...i shouldn't want them. But i was always a slow learner[" so i keep having wishful thinking, setting myself up for disappointment. BUT that is okay, because i feel like life is too short to not get our hopes up about the little things or even the big things that come along. and i also feel like it's okay to want to FEEL things and to HAVE things in our lives. Nobody really wants to be alone. We can pretend like we are fine and that we don't actually need somebody to take care of us...but the truth is, happiness comes in all shapes and sizes...it sneaks up on you when you least expect it and sometimes it comes in people, things, places...sometimes it's just there and we can't figure out why. But reason knows why...even if we don't understand reason.

Sundays make me think, they make me wonder, wish, hope, and feel sad sometimes. Sundays make me believe that life holds more for me. EVEN if i get frustrated at times that it doens't hurry up and happen. Sundays help me see, that even if i'm impatient with life's strollin around on me when all i want to do is run, that life hasn't exactly forgotten about tryin to make me happy. It just realizes how stubborn i am, i'm pretty sure life is tryin to figure out a way around that obnoxious person i call ME!

Well i think my eyes are finally startin to wear out on me. I'll leave ya with a tune that's been in my head all day. Enjoy.

xoxo J

days like today

2011-05-10T21:13:00.000-07:00

Sometimes late at night i get this aching feeling...close to my heart. It's not a heart break because it doesn't quite meet up with my heart. But it hurts like no other and I just want to cry, but i don't. Mostly because tears seem so silly, and then partly because i hate crying. even if i'm by myself. And sometimes i know exactly what the problem is while other times i haven't got a clue what's wrong with me, i just know something hurts. I am generally a happy person, ha in fact most the time i'm overwhelmingly happy, and it's too much for even myself to handle.

Lately I've been feeling so stressed, and it's all my fault, which makes me even more mad. i've got a bunch or stuff i NEED to do for work otherwise i won't be able to work during the summer. And then apart of me really doesn't want to work during the summer. I kinda miss being home with my family, getting to do things with them. Sometimes i get so tired of being so grown up. It's exhausting and i haven't figured out how anybody does it or how i've survived it for so long now. I guess we all figure that out eventually though. One step at a time, one foot in front of the other. But it's hard for somebody like me, who likes to take 4 steps at a time and takes them at a made dash.

Yesterday i was talking to an old friend from high school and we were having a conversation about boys (yaup, still do that after high school too ha) and i laughed and told her, "I don't think i could handle a boy right now, i can barely take care of myself." and here is what she said, "LOL yes you can! You have done better than 90% of the people from here. And you have done it on your own. You should be proud of what you have done, and you didn't end up stuck here. That says something all on it's own!" thank you friend [" i already told you how much that meant to me. And then i remembered something a guy i used to live told me when i was freaking out about what to do next, "Janessa, you have done better than almost everybody we know. You did it so fast...But humans weren't meant to fly..but i guess if anybody is gonna figure out how to do it, it's gonna be you."
1. I've always gone after what i want. If i see a loop where i can jump ahead, i take it. I'm too impatient to sit there and not do something to get ahead or be better.
2. My head is constantly floatin around in the clouds. I can't get it to come down. If i could somehow make myself fly i would (and i don't mean in an airplane or anything like that).'

My BIGGEST problem of all is...i always want what i don't have. I get these silly ideas and dreams in my mind and then my heart gets stuck on them and everything else is lost. Once my heart has made up my mind, everything is shot to hell. It's just the way i am. I run off of it, and like i said, i take it 4 steps at a time and at a mad dash. I can't help it. I've tried. It just doesn't work.

BUT then there are days, that because i go so fast or i start to put things off and then i get frustrated with them because they aren't done and then i find NO motivation is left to start it or get it done and then i'm left feeling upset and stressed out. AND it's once again my fault...my head is in the clouds, my heart is doing the thinking, my feet are moving too fast, and my poor brain and body just can't keep up with it at all.

I was told last night that i need a break...and i do. I just can't afford to take one. and i don't want to let anybody down by doing that. Isn't that just pathetic? Feeling like if you don't do what you know you should do that you'll be stuck and leave everybody else feeling upset...? When did i get like this? I care too much what others think and yet i don't care at all.

This has kind of gotten off topic (once again my mouth (or my fingers) have fun away with me again). I get this pain next to my heart because i start to think about all the things i want, that i don't have, and then i start to think of all the things that is missing. and i can't help but FEEL like there's got to be more and if i start chasing it i'll find it. the only problem is, i don't know where the starting line is. I don't believe that good things come to those who wait, i think good things come to those who have the balls to go after it! I'm a go getter, i'm the hare running against the turtle. I can't stay still and wait for something good to come a long. I can't get my head out of the clouds long enough to focus on reality, and i can't for the love of Pete sit and wait for the things i WANT in my life. Sometimes i feel like my life is passing by like clips from a movie. And i'm not even enjoying it.

So my point is...I don't know what to do. LIKE ALWAYS. but i do think i need a preisthood blessing because i'm freakin out about so many things right now and i just need some reassurance that it's all going to be okay. All the real life problems i have and don't know where to start, and all the ones i know are waiting around the corner for me. AND then to top it off, all the ones i make myself get worked up about because every little thing triggers an emotion. I'm tired of empty spaces in my heart. I'm tired of not having the fire and passion i once had. I'm tired of not feeling like me....

xoxo Janessa

oh Mama!

2011-05-05T17:37:00.000-07:00

so Mother's Day is just around the corner and i thought i'd tell you some things about my beautiful mama!

She came from a pretty good mother herself. Grandma Fadala (Judd) knows everything. i KID you not. and she spoils me when i'm sick or hurt or sad or happy and my mama learned that from her no doubt.

She's got this awesome sense of humor! she laughs at ALL of my stupid jokes, and everybody wants to be around her because she is so nice and sweet and funny.

She married the love of her life, and has showed us through her example how important temple marriages are and that families can be together forever! They like to do all sorts of things together like: Coach volleyball (and play, learned everything i know from my mama and pops)

they like to dance (and they are GOOOOD at it)unfortunately the Jitter Bug gene kinda skipped me. boo

Every christmas eve (since about the time i was 3) she has been on the sidelines yelling at me to "DIVE for that candy!" and this is where Rhyno Man gets a little butt hurt [" i got it from my mama bud!

when i set the volleyball, one of my feet kicks out just like hers. I serve the ball like her, and now i can play old lady ball like her too (although i'm not nearly as good[" ) Mama and dad taught me how to play since the time i was old enough to pick up a volleyball and throw it around. While mama was in college, a basket of volleyballs was my babysitter sometimes. i love this game, and it's all because of them.

She's got a lot of girls: ha this is for sure. And i hope that when i'm a mother, my kids like me half as much as we like my mama

My mother has to put up with a lot when it comes to me...I'm theatrical, loud, a little crazy sometimes. I've always got out of this world ideas, my imagination takes over WAYY too much, she's had me sleeping in her bed at 15 because It was sooo flippin scary. She laughs at me when i am throwing up in the bathroom (oh ya that was just mean), she's made me get on airplanes and rollercoasters-at which point i was usually telling her how much i didn' tlike her and how mean she was. (what did i say about theatrics) she's watched Little Mermaid with me atleast a bajillion times. She introduced me to Princess Bride and While you were Sleeping. She instilled in me a LOVE for cold cereal and pretty much taught me it could be subsituted for ANY meal at ANY given time.

She's always there to cheer me on in life. to stand by me no matter what, even if my graduation is 3 hours long because the guest speaker was making it "brief". She listens when i've got something to say, and gets quiet when i've said too much (usually if i'm mad and i start cussing) but she never yells at me. She has taught me so much. and we are finding that NOT ONLY do i have her laugh or her ability to make people smile and feel loved, I am more like her in ways we never even knew and as she said the other day, "I can no longer say you're only your father's child." I love my mama.

Mama! thanks for being the BEST mom in the whole wide world, for loving all of my friends and treating them like they are your own kids, for being such an awesome person. thank you for all the times we've laughed and smiled and all of the things we've teased dad about. thank you for always being there for me and making sure i finish things. Thank you for marrying dad and for being his best friend. thank you for being YOU, oh so ab fab YOU!

i love you mama,
xoxo YOUR Janessa

sometimes

2011-04-28T16:25:00.000-07:00

I don't want this blog to make me sound ungrateful or anything. because i'm not. I am so thankful for all the things i have in my life. MOSTLY the people, because they rock and they totally mean the world to me.
But sometimes i get soooo frustrated and impatient and selfish. I just want what i want, and i want it THAT instant. I make plans because that's just what i do. I have to know what is going on in life or else my head starts to spin and gab too much and honestly, we do not like it when my mind gabs. not a good thing. no it's not. (get the picture there ha)
and it's hard to be honest about the things i want because admitting them outloud doesn't ALWAYS go the way i want it too. and what's worse is when i know it's not going to go that way i just keep it in because i'd rather sit back and not figure out how my foot got straight down my throat instead of saying something out loud and suddenly enjoying the taste of leather.
and you might be reading this thinking, "what on earth is she talking about?" hence the paragraph up ahead, i just can't afford to eat anymore of my shoes ["
I just can't wait for a A LOT of things. I'm tired of EVEN MORE things and competely fed up with double of that.
it's hard when you really dk what you want anymore and yet again you know EXACTLY what you want. I don't think you're suppsoed to feel like this normally and then i have to remind myself that i'm 22, if i was a NORMAL 22 year old, i'd still be in college, having changed my major a dozen times before finally deciding to just pick something artistic you know like art or theater or whatever. and then i would realize YET again that i've got about a thimble full of artistic ability in my thumb and so we have to scrap that one. and i've got the theatrics down, but as far as the actually acting part....eh it could use some work. so yet again iw ould have changed my major. the cycle continues. and i'm not saying that's where i'd want to be. i HATE being THAT confused. But this whole, "let's be grown ups" ting...sooooometimes sucks. and that's okay. but it's frustrating to me because i just want to be in charge of my own things and i'm not.
like my venting? thanks, me too. and my brain is very much obliged to the fact that you are pretending like you care. because my brain is tried of listening to my rambling and mumbling. yes my brain tells me this and no i do not have voices in my head. i have ONE voice, it's my own, and if it's driving YOU crazy...think about how much it's driving me NUTS!
thanks so much.
xoxo J

new song

2011-04-27T22:58:00.001-07:00

I have no problem expressing myself. Words are my friends. There are times when i can't get myself to shut up. when i have something to say i usually say it. Yes, there are times that i keep it in, and that bothers me. Mostly because when i don't say what i'm thinking or feeling i feel like i'm walking on eggshells and not being ME. and i don't want to be anybody else, but me (well maybe Bethany Joy Galeottie, but that totally is another subject for another day ha) anyway, i wrote this song in March and thought i'd share the lyrics (no tune for it yet, that happens to me a lot, so we might as well call it a poem) ha. And i'm sharing this because even though i have no problem expressing myself, sometimes it's easier for me to write it down and express it through poetic/lyrical words. So here it goes.

(titel unknown)

Maybe it will only be one night. and that's alright.
I'd hate to not give it a try. Maybe you'r a little shy,
and that's okay. Sometimes taking a chance makes us afraid.
Maybe i'm not so brave, but i've got to give this a shot.
To find out is this something or not.

-chorus-
Do i feel butterflies from my core? Pitter patter in my heart.
When you knock on the door, do i feel my lonliness part?
will you make me laugh, hold my hand, and smile when you see me?
Maybe- this could be just like they said it could be.

Maybe i'll be smitthen with your smile. And that's worth my while.
I'd fall like a hopeless child. Maybe you'll like the way i twist
my hair in a knot. Sometimes one moment is all we've got.
Maybe i'm not so brave, but i've got to give this a shot.
to find out is this something or not.

-chorus-

Maybe i only know your name and that's okay.
maybe it won't be love at first sight, and that's alright.

-chorus-

oh and isn't my nephew just one of the CUTEST. he's completely OBSESSED with bugs (this pic was taken a while back). i sat on that catepillar (it didn't die, i know ha) but this little man is just so sweet. he tells you he loves you, gives you hugs and kisses, and is just adooorable.

xoxo J

I dream in red

2011-04-24T22:46:00.000-07:00

I keep thinking of the song "Better Man" by Pearl Jam, go listen too it, i would link it up but i am way exhausted and i'm honestly making this sooo super quick they are gonna call me superman because i have jet powers here.

Easer weekend--- oh how i LOVED it. we had such a good time with family, i literally spent all 3 days of my weekend surrounded by ppl i like to be around..most the time [" jk, LOTS of times. and i will get to that tomorrow...promise! haha

today i wanted to say, i LOVE the color red, as most of you know. I love red nailpolish, i love red heels, i LOVE my red microwave. buuuut now, i love red so much, red is on my head...

totally sportin cowgirl boots down at the bottom of the pic, i know there is NO proof, but just ask Lyn, she'll tell ya. I can totally rock cowboy boots....AND my red hair, which i love (both of them ha)

xoxo Red

It's whatever

2011-04-19T22:30:00.000-07:00

i'm the kind of girl who gets her hopes up about ABSOLUTELY BLIMELY everything! oh it's soooo ridiculous! and i know you are thinking, "Well just don't set your expectations so high." sorry. tried that. and that just gets me into trouble AND still leaves me with my hopes up high. yaup, i'm a screwed up mess. i'm telling you, most days i'm not sure i even like the way my head thinks or the fact that my heart is always in complete control. AND the problem is, i've never hated this part of me before. I've always prided myself on being the girl who does exactly what her heart tells her to do, ha and sometimes what the heart tells me NOT to do (i'm a very complicated person).
Sometimes i wish i wasn't the girl who get her hopes up about stupid things. Sometimes i wish i wasn't the girl who always had a plan or a thought in her head about how life was supposed to go...because it seems like everytime i make a plan or have a wish or a whatever you want to call it, it NEVER goes thew ay i want it too. what's a girl to do?? i haven't got a clue.
Somedays, like today, you just have to smile and say *to the hell with it* because that my friend is what my heart is telling me..or maybe my head...at this point both of them are a little sluggish and totally slacking here.

xoxo Janessa

hearts

2011-04-05T20:28:00.000-07:00

Hearts are tricky little things. they like to be in control and for me i usually LET it take control. i'm not a brain thinker- so to speak- i mean i have a brain, and i use it...most the time to it's capablitiy. BUT the majority of the time, i think with my heart...and OH the trouble it can get me into. BUT also the wonderful things it can get me into too.

See i am a FIRM beleiver that it is our hearts that hold the key to pretty much everything in life. It holds all the answers, the mysteries..it holds the heartache and weaknesses, the strength and truth when all else fails you. you can rely on your heart. even if you think you can't. because YOUR heart never lets you down. Yes, somebody else's will, but NEVER your own. You can be mad at your heart, you can hate it for making you feel the way it does at times, but it only does it because it KNOWS what is best for you. and what is wrong for you. (didn't i tell you the heart is a tricky little booger?)

I also think it's important for us as human beings to trust this tricky, coniving heart of ours. mine hasn't let me down. it doesn't cause me pain, i'm usually causing it pain. I've put it through hell. I've let it get stomped on, broken into ittsy bittsy pieces, i've let it get used and abused, and i've let it suffer through tears and sorrow. BUT all it's EVER done for me is let me feel kisses on my forehead, race really fast when he would look at me, let me fall completely head over heels even though my brian yelled at it not too. my heart has only let me feel good things when i needed too, and when i was hurt, it let me feel that too. and i hated it at times, but then i realized what my heart already knew...i'm a hopeless dreamer, a complete romantic who LOVES the idea and the feeling of FALLING IN LOVE. it'a disease i'm sure. But let me explain and then you can tell me what is so awful about this little thing we all crave.
-kisses on the forehead..the ones that make your knees weak
-heart racing when you wait to be picked up for a date.
-flowers because he's thinking of you.
-chocolate covered strawberries...he secretly knew they were your favorite.
-text messages just to say he's thinking of you.
-heart pounding as you wait to be kissed for the FIRST time in a relationship
-endless smiles because he looks your way...yes you caught him...and yes he's a little red in the face.
-laughing... LOTS of laughing because he knows how much you love it.
-make ups after a stupid fight.
-making plans together...future ones (don't watch the Bachelor movie haha, "future" is considered the "f" word)
-realizing that it's not that you NEED to be around them but that you WANT to be.

my heart knows how i feel about these things and even if it's the HARDEST thing in the world for me to admit that my heart craves these things sometimes, i still have to say it outloud. i can't keep a secret. ha i'm HORRIBLE at it (well unless i really need too, but other than that, you know all, see all). my heart is TOO big for one person, and i've given it away when i shouldn't have and kept it to myself when i should have lent it out for a bit. I haven't always listened to it and that is when i find i look back in life and wonder how things would have changed. my brain interferes. it's a BIG problem ha. i like to listen to my heart and i usually do. but when it comes to boys...and the FIRST time you are going on a date with them, i start to wonder what on EARTH he could possibly see in me. and your friends tell you, "You're so pretty" "You're personality is so much fun" "he's missing out if he doesn't end up liking you" "You've got the biggest heart i've ever known."
Nice right?! yeah my friends are great...but they KNOW me, they are a little biased too ha. i know i shouldn't be so hard on myself but i didn't used to be like this. I was happier at one point. and then life happened and stuff happened to make me feel the way i do. and i thought i was over it...well i am over the general hatred of it all. but the part about getting my self esteem back is still irritating.

i know i'm not the prettiest girl in the world, and that's okay. i k now i'm never gonna be the girl who turns guys heads or makes them wonder where i've been all their lives. i know i'm probably last on there radar of the "perfect woman" and that's okay. i'm okay that my looks are a little plain...most the time. i KNOW i can't be the pretty girls i see walking around. i know i can't be the ones that bat their eyelashes or flip their hair and a guy goes nuts over it. (really this only happens in the movies...right haha)

i think my problem is my heart is READY for love again...but it's trying to figure out how to make myself love myself again. not that i don't. i'm generally a happy person. every now and then these moods come around and then i feel like such a putz.

i guess my point is. don't let your heart EVER turn bitter. because your heart WANTS good things for you and when you let it turn cold and icy it's hard for that heart of yours to bounce back to it's usual chipper self.

xoxo J

photo sessions

2011-04-02T15:15:00.000-07:00

recently i have taken up photography. i LOVE being behind a camera. i love the view from back there and the things my lens can capture. i'm learning so much and i have a LONG ways to go still. but i'm happy with the ones i've taken. Here are a few from this weekend.

to see the rest of this session of one of my beautiful nieces and one of my handsome nephews, click here

to see the rest of this session of my beautiful cousin and her little family, click here.

I hope everybody else is having a wonderful weekend. I had friday off because it was Cesar chavez Day, which is weird because i've never had that day off before. anyway, so i had a 3 day weekend which was SO nice. Spring has definitely sprung in these little small towns around me, although in the city it's pretty much summer already. on the radio it said phoenix already hit 100 degrees. SADNESS! seriously. i can't believe how fast everything goes by these days. But i love spending time with my family and all of their craziness! haha and i loved being able to spend time with my family doing these photo sessions. so much fun and i'm sooo glad they let me expand my creative outlooks! this weekend is General Conference and i'm kinda looking forward too it. haha

have a good one.

xoxo J

Awkward and Awesome Thursday

2011-03-31T07:45:00.000-07:00

Awkward- two cantelopes to show the proportion of Amanda's boobs, posting it on facebook, your friend making a joke and you saying, that's what i'm here for, to entertain and that same boy (read below) writes, well in that case....in that case what?? hehe

Awkward- --walking out of my apartment heading to my roommate's nephew's bday when i see a guy carrying this HUUUUGE frame and i know he's looking for the dumpster so i take my time leaving so i can SNAG that puppy. THEN it's too big to fit into my car so i have to sneak it upstairs and apartment guy walks out and catches me...busted ha. he let me have it after giving me the WEIRDEST look known to man. ha
--in the drive thru at taco bell, ordering taco's to your little heart's content and when you go pay the guy's name is Pedro and you can't stop laughing because he looks JUST like the guy from Napoleon Dynamite and then he gives you a card with his number on it...oh boy.
--after hanging out with a bunch of guys from your ward, the one who picked you up is now bringing you home. you've spent the whole afternoon, evening, and the better part of the next morning together and now he is walking you to your stairs and neither one of you know if you should hug or say or do anything so you just sit there and stare and then laugh and make awkward chit chat and then say i'll see ya later and you walk up to the stairs to your apartment door and look back down and he hasn't gotten far and he's lookin up at you and you catch him looking so he says, "I'll wait til you get inside." ....what just happened there??
--taking pics with your new camera at your apartment, when you look through the lens and find your neighbor staring up at you like you're a peeping tom. hello you're looking back me!

Awesome- --when your nephew texts you a bunch of jimble jamble that resembles this, "kkkkjjjjfpoijkldkkdkuuuu.a." yaup he WUVS me, he tells me this.
--painting your rocking chair the most beautiful AND brightest shade of red!!
--having your apartment be FREEZING when you step inside from the HOT AZ weather!
--mama now turning on you and joinging in with my grandma's that it's about time i find somebody to wed...traitor. ["
--dancing on dad's toes...that NEVER gets old.
--opening your bank account thinking it's about negative zero only to find your tax return came back. booo to the yah!
--realizing your awkward's are SO much better than your awesome's! happy thursday, it would be MUCH better if it was Friday.

xoxox Janesssa

Prophets

2011-03-27T15:05:00.000-07:00

I am a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. I believe that families can be together forever and i am soooo thankful for that. As a church we believe in being sealed for time and all eternity in the temples; and by doing so our families recieve blessings. Family is the number one important thing in our church. I am not saying that God or Jesus or the gospel or the Book of Mormon are no important, those are apart of our church, BIG parts. But we focus on families a lot. because families and the fact that when we start them with that person you have chose to be with, we want to be together even after we die. As a young single adult we are constantly reminded to strive to find somebody who is temple worthy and who can share these ordinances with you, so that you and your family can be together forever. TRUST ME we get, well lectured is probably too harsh of a word, but it is constantly brought up in church a lot. ha.

i stumbled on this quote right now and it made me smile. Gordon B. Hinckley was the prophet of our church not too long ago. Now it is President Tomas S. Monson. BOTH are wonderful and absolutely AMAZING men.

Aim high, but do not aim so high that you totally miss the target. What really matters is that he will love you, that he will respect you, that he will honor you, that he will be absolutely true to you, that he will give you the freedom of expression and let you fly in the development of your own talents. He is not going to be perfect, but if he is kind and thoughtful, if he knows how to work and earn a living, if he is honest and full of faith, the chances are you will not go wrong, that you will be immensely happy.

- Gordon b. Hinckley

when he says aim high i think he means our standards and to be a little picky. We don't have to settle for the first person who comes knocking on our door. if it doesn't feel right then it's not right. but don't be sooooo judgy that you can't open your eyes to the possibility. I, personally, think you have to be attracted to somebody first, it's not the MOST important thing, but that attraction HAS to be there. But what's also important is that spark you feel between each other, something that's magnetic about the way they laugh or smile or look at you when they think you're not looking. The way they make YOU laugh or smile or the fact that you notice they are looking and you're pretty much catchin a glimpse yourself. President Hinckley said it's important to aim high, just don't miss the target.

that he will give you the freedom of expression and let you fly in the development of your own talents.

this is one of my favorite parts. I think sometimes i get sooo scared that i'll end up with a guy who doens't want me to be my own person. and that somehow i'll end up being the girl who sits quietly in the corner waiting for him to raise his glass in the air to tell me he's thirsty and to go get him a drink. yes i worry about these things. partly because i'm an independet woman, and yet i'm dependent as well. and i know i can't let either one of those two things take complete control. and it's hard for me to find balance between the two....especially with boys. they kinda make me giddy and my heart race and then i lose myself in the greatness of it all [" ha. but for president hinckely to say that this man you choose will give you the freedom to express yourselves (yay to not sitting in the corner and waiting to be talked too. basically NOBODY PUTS BABY IN A CORNER) and that this guy will WANT you to explore and develop your talents. THAT is important. To find somebody who wants you to be yourself while finding out who you are as a couple. and that he wants you to be creative and embrace those talents.

He is not going to be perfect, but if he is kind and thoughtful, if he knows how to work and earn a living, if he is honest and full of faith, the chances are you will not go wrong, that you will be immensely happy.
this is my other favorite part. i smiled the first time i read this because i guess i never realized HOW important this all is to me. i make lists of things sometimes (most the time i lose these lists or toss them to the wind or can't remember a thing i put on them). as girls we are making lists of what we want in a guy (and don't lie guys i'm sure you do the same thing). and we never realize the ACTUAL important things on that list. I know i want to be attracted to him and that i NEED him to be attracted to me. he has to make me laugh and smile and sometimes tease me when i'm moody...just not too far ha...he has to be patient with me because i am incredibly IMpatient. it's probably best that he knows how to fix things around the house because i am NOT that handy. oh and he might as well know a little bit about cars because well we all know my track record with them. i NEED him to be a hard worker, not a workaholic, but a hard worker. and he probably should know how to cook seeing as i basically live of cold cereal. lol.
most recently NEW things have been added to this list. like i'd prefer him to be a return missionary, and i NEED him to be able to take me to the temple because i'm NOT giving up forever with my husband and family. i WANT that now. President Hinckley is right, he is NOT going to be perfect, and that is ALRIGHT with me, in fact i don't WANT perfect. but i DO want him to be a hard worker, to be true to me and love me the way i NEED to be loved. he needs to be kind and thoughtful and have faith that what we are doing is right. because i want to be happy and i want him to be happy..life is too short to be anything else.

it's funny how somebody else was able to add to my list. there is NO question in my mind that the men who have been prophets in our church were called of God. and that they receive personal revelations from God in order to help us. President Hinckely was an awesome, kind, and loving man and i am grateful for the things he gave us.

I remember as a kid i KNEW what i KNEW because that was all i had ever KNOWN. haha make sense? I KNEW my church was true because that was what i learned every sunday, every family home evening, every time dad taught us something new about it. BUT as i grew up that testimony of knowing what i knew because that was all i had ever known got tested in SUCH a big way and suddenly i was confused, i was lost, i was scared...and i didn't know who to turn too. i have this terrible thing about me that i ALWAYS have to be strong for myself and the ppl around me. i don't have time or the energy to turn to others to help me because i HAVE to fix it. and so i didn't turn to the ONE person who probably could have made it feel better and when i did turn to Him, i was turning to Him out of bitterness and spite and that wasn't the way i should have done it. President Monson says, "Some are young people who don't know who they are, what they can be or even want to be. They are afraid, but they don't know of what. They are angry, but they don't know at whom. They are rejected and they don't know why. All they want is to be somebody. " i remember how hard it was. Each day felt like rocks piled on my chest holding me under the water. i couldn't breathe, but fought day in and day out to clear the rocks, but instead i piled the rocks on myself. it's funny what one little taste of sin can turn into. it gets bigger and bigger until it consumes us to the point that little sin is now big sin and we don't care and we can't tell the difference. our mind tricks us to believe that we can make it better tomorrow and the "what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas" concept comes into play. What's hard about it is as teenagers we all come to this crossroad in life, two roads, not sure which one to take. one could look more appealing than the other because we SEE our friends there, having a good time. While the other may seem safe and not as fun. little do we know, dangers lurk on both roads. trying to figure out who you are and who you want to be is DIFFICULT. there are too many decisions, too many influences, and it's hard to figure out which voice is yours and which are of those around you. it does make you afraid, and angry and it can make you feel rejected. because we WANT to feel something, we WANT to be somebody. we just don't know how sometimes...so we take a wrong turn...the question is, are we strong enough to fight our way back? Past the darkness and the lonliness? or do we venture out too far and lose ourselves completely?? i can tell you i've been in that dark place, where you feel so lost and alone and you don't remmeber what you were taught in young women's or what your parents always told you because you tried to push that all out. afraid that it was going to bring up some of the bitter feelings you had towards people at church. BUT there is never a place too dark... i learned that. because once you put your faith in Him, he becomes that light and no matter how far you have ventured out...He will carry you through. He wants you to be somebody too...
"Heavenly Father has a picture of you on His dresser. He loves you and will help you. Call upon Him." -thomas S. Monson

As a teenage daughter hears her sweet mother plead unto the Lord that her daughter will be inspired in the selection of her companions, that she will prepare herself for a temple marriage, don't you believe that such a daughter will seek to honor this humble, pleading petition of her mother, whom she so dearly loves?

It's funny, prophets of old, prophets of new, they seem to find a way to say some of the same things. my mother married my father, a returned missionary, a temple worthy man. yes it helped that he was cute ha and that he could make my mother laugh. She is patient and kind and loving. Dad saw that in her. Just as my mother saw how the priesthood was strong with my father. They go to gether like peanut butter and jelly, they go together like husband and wife. and it is from them that an example has been set. one that i have FINALLY learned the importance of. i know what my mother wants from me. just as i know what my father wants from me, both here and the one in Heaven. they pray for men to take care of their daughters, to love them, to be kind to them, to have patience with us when we are impatient or make mistakes. they hope with every fiber of their being that we will be happy and that our families that we start will be together forever just like the one they started...."don't you beleive that sucha daughter will seek to honor this humble, pleading petition of her mother...."

xoxo Janessa

decorating!!!

2011-03-25T17:32:00.000-07:00

i looooove saraya, my best friend, she's so awesome! anyway she just got a new house FINALLY, yes we are SOO excited about this. anyway, we need to decorate it. so auntie here (she has 2 kids who i just adore and who yay adore me too haha) has been rackin her brain for ALL sorts of fun things to do in her awesome little house. FIRST up is THIS

NOW canvases are a little expensive to order pics on, so if you know of any places that isn't TOO expensive that would be GREAT! until she can afford them then we will find some frames, paint them black and matte them ourselves and then put black and white pics in them. She has 2 kids, so a picture of each kid and then a pic of her and her boyfriend together and the letter "V" for their lsat name. SO cute. WE are super excited about it.

SO far this is ALL i've got for her living room. it's gonna be so super cute. She nees to get a few more things for the kids rooms, well mostly Kray's room, which THIS HUGE frame from yes, my awesome embarassing story, will be going in her room. When the wind starts to calm down a bit i'm gonna paint it and turn it into something FAB-U-LOUS! so excited.

i LOVE decorating. Saraya and i always talk about things we want to do. and i can't wait to have my own house and kis bedrooms to decorate. SO exciting haha. although choosing wall paint is AWFUL for me, i can't figure out what i want until i've lived there for a while...so that MIGHT be a problem haha.

xoxo J
p.s. have a FANTASTIC weekend. my family is coming down next wknd for one of my sister's vball tourney's. I am recoverng from being sick over the past 3 days. ugh. i NEED some fruity ice cream. wish i had somebody to GO and get that. haha i don't feel like going outside ["

movies

2011-03-23T14:51:00.000-07:00

I would describe myself as pretty emotionally driven and anybody who knows me just might agree. i have things that i NEED when i'm feeling happy or sad or even upset about something.

it NEVER fails that when i am sick, i stick in the Princess Bride. So this morning around 2:30 i wake up and my throat is ON FIRE. my nose is so stuffed i can't breathe and my head is spinning in circles. GREAT. so when my alarm goes off for work i realize there is absolutely NO WAY i can survive today around students, my job requires me to talk and it kind of hurts to do so. So i am sitting here on the couch watching the only movie that for some reason makes me feel better when i'm sick. it is ALSO the movie i go to when i need a good laugh or when i am getting ready to craft. this is a very special movie to me.

the movie i watch when i'm feeling sad or lonely is Breakfast at Tiffany's with Audrey Hepburn. I don't know why because it's not a sad movie and i usually cry during it so that really is no way to cheer myself up. I guess in this case it's good to have a taste of the snake that bit ya. So i pop in my best love story, and sit on the couch with a bowl of chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream and cry and laugh and smile the whole time through. and i'll feel AWFUL after i watch it but at the same time i feeeel so much better.

The movie i go to when i'm in a very romantic mood is Pride and Prejudice. this is my absolute FAVORITE movie. haha well one of them. my mother and i LOVE this movie. we could watch it all the time. i laugh at how crazy her family is and think, yaup, that could be mine, except my mama realy isn't that nutty. When i am in a romantic mood this is the FIRST movie i turn too. It makes me laugh, it makes me cry, it makes my heart go fast and the butterflies play in my stomach. it's GREAT! i love Mr. Darcy and how much he loves Ms. Lizzie Bennet. and i LOVE how stubborn she is. Miss austen sure knew a thing or two is all i've got to say.

Now there prolly isn't another actress that i love more than Sandra Bullock! there isn't a thing she's done that i haven't loved. some of my other favorites are Miss congienialtiy and While you were sleeping (another one of mine and my mother's fav's) but these two are what i pull out when i need a GOOD hard laugh. both of them can get me to do it and then i try and memorize every funny line i can.

The movies i watch EVERY Christmas time would have to be:
Family Stone- for some reason i just LOVE this movie. it makes me laugh and cry. which isn't hard to do.

The Grinch Who Stole Christmas- I clap with giddy glee every time it's Christmas and i get to watch this movie. It's even better if I've got a cup of hot chocolate with pepermint ice cream in it. yuuuuumy. (note this and Yes Man are the ONLY Jim Carey movies i like)

my other "I have to watch this every christmas movie" would have to be Elf. I think it's the dumbest funniest, most awesome movie!! haha (note i don't think Will ferrell is funny at all, except in this movie. it's the ONLY one of his that i like)

my movie that my WHOLE family and anybody who ever babysat me would be stuck watching is The Little Mermaid. I NEVER get tired of it. amanda made the comment to one of her aunt's (who used to babysit me when i was little) about how i still watch this movie. yes i do. i'm a 22 year old who will still pop in this movie. i think it's a comfort zone for me. knowing it's always there and that i can rely on it to cover every emotion i need at any time ha.

i'm also a musical kind of gal--don't hate what you don't know-- i've got a few that i just LOVE but these are prolly my favorite: Sound of Music, Grease 1 & 2, Wicked (the play ooooh i loved it), State Fair, and Meet me in St. Louis. LOVE them. watch them you'll see why... haha

Well the DayQuil i took an hour ago is starting to kick in and i'm starting to feel better BUT i'm gonna say it was the Princess Bride who worked it's magic in the end [" i've still got a bit of a headache and my throat is still a little scratchy but i might be good enough to be able to go to work tomorow so that's good.

hope everybody else is having a BETTER day then me. ha

xoxo J

i hate....

2011-03-22T23:15:00.000-07:00

i NEVER realized how many times i day i say "I hate [insert here] about myself." it's a lot by the way.

there will be days when i'm thinking, "Okay, my hair looks great (check) my make up is makin my eyes fiercly green (check) my pants are covering my pot belly (check) and my bra is holdin the ladies up (check, check)" and then i think, "I am going to take a picture to remember this moment by and then i realize:
"My hair is completely flat on one side, one of my eyes gets squished a bit by my cheek when i smile, my pants may be covering my pot belly but my shirt DID NOT get the memo. and well the bra is usually holdin up the ladies. hah" but look how i turned my totally "I look awesome" into a "I look like CRAP" and then the whole day i feel so self-conscious and stupid and ugly and saaaaad. cause i HATE feeling like i just went through ALL that trouble, thinking it wasn't gonna look that bad only to have the camera let me know it was once again, ALL in my head (over and over again)

I started going through my facebook pics to find ones i HATED about myself and then try and point out something positive (this is hard).

I would show the pics but facebook world has already seen them i want to keep my blog world from seeing that side of me haha.

i have this picture where my baby hairs are sooooo stickin out all over the place and i have the stupidest look on my face....but my boobs look GREAT haha.

I have this picture where my hair is in this nasty (and i do mean sickly) bun and i'm in a bathin suit with shorts and tank top. i looook gross. but my bubby and june bug are sitting on my lap and they can make ANYTHING beautiful.

THEN i have this picture of Amanda and I at an Usher concert. I spent hours curling my hair and teasing it to look oooh so cute. i bobby pinned my bangs back. i look at those pics and my hair went flat minutes after spending hours curling it (frustrating cause my hair USED to stay curled for 2 days STRAIGHT) and my bangs were pinned TOOO high. looking back i SHOULD have done my hair differently but the girl in the pics is having fun cause well DUH she got to see Usher and Trey Songz in concert.

oh a REALLY bad pic is of me and Rhyno Man on his wedding day. I was a bridesmaid and the dress was sooo pretty (on everybody else) my buuuuuut and my stomach look like they are joined together in this HUGE circle around my hips haha. it's awful. but rhyno man made a funny face at the camer (on accident) but the camera guy caught it and we are laughing hysterically. happy day.

I'll look at ALL my high school pics and just *sigh* because IF i had only been able to KEEP that body with my NEW sense of style, i'd totally be rockin it haha. WELL i know, (do something about it) don't tell me, i've already been told. and don't try to motivate me (unless i ask for it) yes i am stubborn. SORRY! haha. no actually i'm not.

one of these days i hope i can look at a picture and NOT find something i HATE about myself. but i guess we all do that.... well i'm hoping it's not just me. Rick told me to just smile, you'll look great. haha but i HATE my smile. LOVE my laugh, hate the smile. oy. BUUUUT at least i have teeth to chew and a tongue and a mouth and all of that good stuff.

so i am going to end this on a happy note

i am thankful for hair on my head (even if it doesn't always turn out the way i would like it too haha)
i am thankful for the baby hairs, it shows i'm sitll young (roll with it ha)
I am thankful for my eyes, and their greenly ways and the fact that i can use them to read, and to see things.
I am thankful for my ears, they are pretty cute and it's totally awesome that i can hear out of them yay! haha
I am thankful for my tiny feet. shoe shopping is usually pretty easy. but i'm thankful that these feet get me places when i need to move.
I am thankful for working legs and arms and fingers and toes.
i am thankful for a nose that can smell things ( haha although the really bad stuff i have to plug it haha)
i am thankful for nail polish, to go on my nails haha
I am thankful for food to go into my tummy (even though i should start watching what i put in there)
I am thankful for my body. as flawed as i might find it. because maybe i don't think it's perfect or exactly how i want it. and maybe it's not my body that ppl are attracted too.
Maybe it's not my face or the way i look when i'm standing there or walking somewhere. maybe it's not any of those things. and maybe it doesn't have to be. and maybe my camera AND my mirror lies and i really don't look as bad (or as good hah) as they are trying to depict me.

I told amanda last nigh, "I know i'm not one of those girls who when a guys walks by he thinks, 'wow she is pretty' and i'm definitely not one of those girls who turns a guys head and that's okay. it's not my looks that's going to attract somebody and when ppl tell me i'm beautiful i don't beleive them, i feel plain in every single way (except for my eyes, i have nothing bad to say about them, just my make up sometimes haha). it's my personality, the fact that i laugh and that i LOVE to make ppl laugh (i'm not as funny as i think i am though) it's my charm and the fact that i TRY to be mysterious but anybody who knows me knows i'm as easy to read as a chapter book." i may not be the prettiest girl any guy has ever seen...and maybe that's okay (somedays lol) but i'm cute in my own ways.... i'm learning what's on the inside counts. and the sad thing is, i'm always "juding a book by it's cover."

xoxo J

important...just love

2011-03-20T18:27:00.000-07:00

i've said it a few times, "I am a beleiver in the magic the world has to offer." It is all around us. In anything: a song, a smile, a child, a grandma, a camera or a picture. But magic happens a lot when love is involved. THAT is something to beleive in. THAT is something to see as magical because falling in love is always something wonderful. I try to tell anybody younger than me who thinks they got love all figured out that most the time it never goes the way we expect it too. that is what is so challenging and wonderful about it. AND then i tell them to love more than once. ALLOW your heart to feel different things for different people because each time you fall in love you learn a little more about yourself and what you want and what your heart wants.

As soon as i tell them to fall in love more than once they look at me like i'm CRAZY! and then i have to remember they are all still in high school and i remember what it felt like to think that one boy was the one boy you were going to be with forever. BUT i also remember what it felt like when that one boy turned out to be the one boy it was hard to get over. Life happens. Love happens. We have to accept both. And sometimes we don't take very good care of this fragile thing called love. Not because we don't want it or need it just because love is messy, especially when you're young.

Kissing... what can i say about it? It's wonderful. it makes your heart race and allow the biggest smile to cross your face! when you find the RIGHT person to kiss you hope they feel the same way and that they will want to kiss you forever. (and if you're lucky, he'll kiss you in two adorable cars AND in the rain ha)

I remember that feeling...waking up in the morning and FEELING different. You're happier, smilier, blue's are bluer, red's are redder. and you just can't seem to get that ONE person out of your mind. it's great haha. Sometimes i still wake up feeling like that (when i have one of them reeeeeally good, lovey dovey dreams). and you realize that that song had it right, "You look so good in love." WHEN you find that person that always makes you feel like that, you'll know it's right.

If there is one thing i KNOW that is loving something that's NOT good for you. I've done it, i've watched it. It sucks. Because YOU are the ONE person in the relationship or even in the world that SEES the good love has to offer. YOU are the ONLY one in the relationship who knows love can conquer all and that somehow everything will work out. BUT if you're the only one working towards that AND beleiving that than it's okay to let go. BECAUSE what this quote says is true. It's important to find somebody who loves you at your worst AND NOT just your best. Because people can love us for all of the things we show them, but when you find somebody who can love you for all the underneath things, the ones you don't show anybody, THEN that my friend is a love worth fighting for.

NO MATTER WHAT----never EVER stop falling in love. You learn something new from EACH one. Our hearts were created to give and feel love. It would be a shame if we never used it. If we gave up every time somebody let us down or broke those hearts and that trust. because the TRUTH of it all, people are going to do that and if you can't accept it then don't open your heart because it IS going to get broken. THAT is inevitable. You'll fall in love, LOTS of times and some will end okay and you'll feel better when it's over. Others will end badly and you'll never know tears that could hurt so much. BUT then, once in a lifetime, you find that ONE person that was MEANT for you. and if you stop embracing the idea of love then you're never gonna find that person. BECAUSE they'll be looking for you, wanting you to show them a sign that they are close to finding that wonderful heart of yours...you HAVE to trust that. NEVER stop falling in love.

MY OWN personal important things to make sure you find in a person.
It's important to find somebody who makes you laugh.
It's important to find somebody who will hold your hand everywhere you go.
It's important to find somebody who kisses you when they see you and when they leave you.
It's important to find somebody who WANTS to spend their time with you.
It's important to find somebody who will buy you're favorite laffy taffy and watch your favorite cartoon with you.
It's important to find somebody who knows things about you, things you never realized people could see.
It's important to find somebody who will dance with you in the rain.
It's important to find somebody who loves you INSPITE of your crazy quorky outlooks on life.
It's important to find somebody who admires your strength but is always there to help you when you're strength fails.
It's important to find somebody who is willing to jump in the car and take a spontaneous road trip with you...even if it's just around the block.
It's important to find somebody who understands your heart...yes this same heart who has loved many times and been hurt.
It's important to find somebody who can put up with your silly (and wonderful) family.
It's important to find somebody who likes to surprise you...even if you think you don't like them. cAUSE you do ha
It's important to find somebody who loves your FAR and INBETWEEN numbers of obsessions.
It's important to find somebody who introduces you to new things.
It's important to find somebody who quiets your fears and helps you get passed them.
It's important to find somebody who listens...even when you're not saying a word.
It's important to find somebody who knows your childish and motherly, loud and shy, cooperative and stubborn, lively AND colorful.
It's important to find a guy who loves what you can offer him BUT also has so much to offer you.
AND it's VERY, VERY important to find somebody who makes your heart ache in a good way.

xoxo J

apple of ol' dads eye (or mama's?)

2011-03-19T15:46:00.000-07:00

i LOVE finding old videos of family times. Its funny to see how much i really haven't changed. I am still this crazy, take charge, show off kind of girl who loves to twirl in pretty dresses, and wants to be the apple of her daddy's eye. Jershon was itty bitty helping dad make pancakes, green ones (dad still likes to make pancakes EVERY sunday morning, and they are STILL colorful) and of course there is george straight singin along in the back ground as i am dancing in my pretty Easter Dress. (not very well mind you ha) (i still can't dance either. so sad)

We have one where uncle lon just go back off of his mission. Ryan and i are walkin around holding hands (i am probably draggin him along instead of really letting him have equal share in any of this) Mr. Rhyno man is used to this by the way. Jershon is grabbing Grandma Sherman and pretty much making her run over to the window to look at the plane and I SURPRISINGLY think the airplane is SOOO cool! wish i could get back that "not being scared of airplanes" thing, yaup that would be GREAT!

I really love finding old videos. it takes us back to a time when things were simpler. it reminds me that growing up happened SO fast but being a kid in MY house was the GREATEST experience EVER! I loved dad following me around with a camera wherever i went. That everybody wanted to teach me songs to sing but i still reverted back to ANYTHING Little Mermaid. Dad making pancakes EVERY sunday morning and letting us help him. Mom letting us help her do the dishes. i LOVED saturday mornings when we would do chores and dad would let us dance on his toes to some country song. They introduced us to musicals, we NEVER would have been the same without the sound of music! EVERY easter jershon and i had matching dresses, her little chubby cheeks and slow nodding of the head. She adored me, and i absolutely LOVED her. she'd follow me around and i can see it in her eyes she wanted to be just like me. I love old memories. Times that make us laugh and remembering all of those good times we used to have as kids.

Rhyno man and me were INSEPERABLE! (not a whole lot has changed in that department, except that he's married so i have to let little wifey in, good thing i like her haha) EVERY Christmas Eve my mom's side of the family we went to Aunt Edna's and Uncle Jim's house. ALL the cousins were there, we'd have hamburgers, rice krispy treats, grandma's beans, and we'd listen to aunt edna read the christmas story and then sing christmas songs. THEN the REAL down to business stuff happened. WE got to hit a pinata FULLL of candy. See if you know my mother, she's a little competitive (this is where we get this from, playing board games is ALWAYS an interesting "treat" in our home) so here's my mama yelling to "DIVE!" as soon as the pinata spits all of it's candy out. SO what do i do.... i dive. Mama said so and if mama aint happy aint nobody happy. we have learned this rule haha. well apparantly Ryhno man has held a grudge about this for a long time now. This last Christmas was the first him and his new wife got to spend with us and he is making me sound like this horrible, awful person. haha. So in rhyno man's head apparantly he'd be runnin a long as a little kid, all excited to get the candy and he's thinkin he's goin pretty fast and then all of a sudden he sees this blur and he knows it's janessa and then he sees janessa diving on the ground, arms grabbing any candy that her little arms can wrap themselves around. Janessa would get A LOT of candy and rhyno man...not a whole lot.
I DO NOT remember it this way but this is rhyno mans' story. SO to get revenge rhyno man says that as soon as this pinata splits he's gonna tackle me so i can't get any candy (please keep in mind that he is 21 and i am 22 and yes we are still acting like we're 8) so as soon as that pinata busts i RUN to get the candy because my mother still yells "RUN" and "DIVE" and just as i'm about to run and get some out of no where comes BIG, TALL rhyno man, he wraps his arms around me, picks me up and carries me off away from the candy while i am kicking, screaming, and laughing (because little does he know, sneaky janessa has already got a BIG bag of candy in her pocket, i don't need no stinkin pinata) haha and rhyno man's plan failed, he didn't mention to his wife that while he dragged me away it was her job to get the candy. So he lost haha. BUT it's memories like these that both rhyno man and i have decided we hope God lets us just kick back with a big bag of popcorn and watch childhood like a movie before we get to convertin in the spirit world haha.

I hope my kids are just as lucky. I hope we get to take them on vacations so they can see different parts of the world. my parents took us to Disneyland (twice) San Diego Zoo, Beach, Sea World San Diego, LegoLand, Mt. Rushmore, 4 corners, grand canyon, petrified forest, yellowstone, beaches of Cheyenne WY, bear country, reptile gardens... THE list goes on and on and on. and i LOVED those family vacations. We made lots of memories and had good laughs from them. I LOVEd dancing on daddy's shoes and jershon and me making up songs (we still do this too ha). I loved dancing around in the living room (even if i have no rhythm). i loved daddy's hands and shoulders that always pulled us in for big bear hugs. and mama's laugh. OH how i loved that mama's laugh of mine. I hope my kids will get to experience these things. That they will enjoy time with their cousins and their aunts and uncles and all the magic the world has to offer. BECAUSE i know this world seems so bad at times, and it makes us cry and bad things happen, but we CANNOT forget the importance of the family and the magic each part of them bring. I look forward to the day that my dad gets to meet the guy of my dreams, and i hope he approves haha. Dad is a pretty special man and i hope i get just as lucky as my mama did in finding somebody like him. AND i hope i can be a good mama like mine was.

Being a kid ROCKED! and i have some of the BEST memories of growing up with the people i love. I can't wait to continue to experience those and to create new ones.

xoxo J

oh. p.s. i am STILL the apple of daddy's eye (plus his other 4 kids but i'm still number one haha)

p.s.s. my mama is so proud that i "RUN" and "DIVE" still at 22.

xoxo J

strong

2011-03-18T10:30:00.000-07:00

Let me tell you some things about myself:
1. I beleive in the magic the world has to offer. You may not see it, but it's always there...somewhere.
2. I believe in wishing on stars
3. I say i don't beleive in love at first sight. but i smile and get giddy when i see it happen.
4. When it comes to colors i LOVE them all, but i go through red nail polish pretty quickly.
5. I have eaten cereal for breakfast, lunch, and dinner.
6. I like to relate personally to people. I want to know your life story..most of the time.
7. I love my friends and family. They are the number one important things in my life.
8. Pictures are probably my favorite things. It's amazing what a camera can capture.
9. I am stubborn and independent and a little fiesty and have to figure things out by myself.
10. I am a big dreamer. my mind is constantly spinning with ideas.
11. I stay strong because I HAVE to be. There's no tears, no feeling sorry, no feeling bad. I just wake up and put one foot in front of the other and FIGURE out how to survive. And maybe I can talk it out, but it does no good. because I'm too stubborn and independent and have to do it all myself. But then I realize that I can't be strong all the time...

Things have been hard lately. There is somebody close to me that we have a bunch of problems. I got very mad at this person and never could cry over it or tell this person how it made me feel because I have to be strong for everybody else involved. THAT is my job. and nobody realizes how much of a job it really is. I finally snapped not too long ago and all i could think about was how mad i was and how hurt! everybody said it was good for me to get it out and to finally be able to vent to this person because i've been walking on egg shells for so long now that the real me hasn't been able to come out. as we sat there yelling back and forth at each other there was only one thing this person said that actually hurt me.

I thought i was so HEAD over HEELS in LOVE once before and when this person broke my heart it was hard for me to pick the pices up and put it back together. It was bad enough to have to come to terms with the fact that HE didn't want me. And once i did i realized that it was I who didn't want him. but even if it's been years later and somebody who watched you go through all of this and saw how it hurt you REMINDS you yet again that this person didn't want you, that hurts. and you can't believe they'd go that low to try and win or to purposely hurt you.

as i was driving home after this HUGE fight (which me and this person are working it out) i couldn't help but think that SOMETIMEs (which means ALL THE TIME) i am being strong. i HAVE to be. i have NO choice in the matter. and it's hard work when everything in life is trying to knock you down and KEEP you down. And when the hits keep on coming i MAKE myself get up and FIGHT! because that is what i do. i HAVE to do it. I can't crawl in a whole and hide. I can't stand behind a fence and crow that i am afraid to cross it. i HAVE to get up and fight back. and maybe i never realized HOW strong i really am or have to be. And people tell me ALL the time that i don't have to be strong like this, not always. or that sometimes i could let others in to try and help me figure it out or get me through it but the FACT of the matter is. THAT is not me. i dk how to let people in and be strong for me because i've been picking myself up ON MY OWN for so long....but there are days that it just hurts, and you cry. and i HATE crying because it makes me feel so vulnerable to anybody who is there watching me or vulnerable to the person WHO made me cry or the FEELING that made me cry.

There are things that i can tell my friends when i'm upset that i probably wouldn't tell my parents. and there are things i would probably to my parents and the rest of my family that i wouldn't tell my friends. But who do you tell those really dark and sinister things too? The ones that would KILL you if you EVER felt them cross your lips? That is when it's hard. See i only have me, myself, and I to rely on to get through those feelings or those hard times. Because trying to confide in somebody about the awful things we keep inside would be horrifying and disappointing to the ppl you tell those things too. I've learned those lessons the hard way.

this is life. this is MY life. I fight everyday to survive it. to get throgh it. I have to learn to just breathe. but i'm araid that one of these days all of the fears and weakness that hide behind my strength are going to come pouring out...and then what do i do...?

xoxo J

world planned in my mind

2011-03-15T22:22:00.000-07:00

Today was one of those days that started out good. In fact it was GREAT! I got to spend the past couple of days in Flagstaff with some family and that was so fun and the weather was nice and i got to help my uncle shoot a wedding, SWOON i FELL in love with being behind that camera. It was perfect! I even got set up on a blinde date (ha i haven't figured out WHY i do that to myself) but it was still fun. So the weekend was great and then i woke up and drove home today and the drive wasn't bad either, it went by pretty fast and so that was nice. And then Amanda and i went and watched Red Riding Hood (i watched it with Jordynn last night too, i must really like it to watch it 2 times in 2 days ha). anyway and everything was fine and then we got home and started listening to music and i just got this really sad feeling. so basically my day is starting to feel so crappy and i haven't figured out why. well i have but i just HATE to admit when something is wrong. especially when it's the reason that it is.

then my friend from college texted me and she is feeling the same way, so basically we both suck ha. I hate getting my hopes up for stupid things. And i dk why i try to plan everything out because nothing ever goes the way i expect it too. ha you THINK i would learn, but i NEVER do. that is ME!

I figure things out all the time (i need to start doing my confessions again, sorry i've been slacking). But it's no fun figuring out things about yourself that you already knew you just tried to cover it up because it's easier to do that then admit the truth. Sometimes the truth hurts. Sometimes the truth just suuucks!

I just need to deal with it. I can jump off of a cliff (which is scary) and i can say all the right things when i need too but i can't make myself do *this* in order to finally have *that* and i hate that about myself. (sorry i'm being so mysterious)

oh well i guess... life has to go on.

"He likes the way i'm not afraid. I've go the world planned in my mind."

xoxo J

And the hits just keep coming...

2011-03-07T06:27:00.000-08:00

So last week was a little hectic for me. it was Aims week Tuesday and Wednesday at my high schools so my days were pretty short and filled with lots of questions if kids could even come out for speech. Thursday i woke up at 3:30 AM (ya suckage!) and had the WORST headache known to man. The light huuuuurt my eyes. So i didn't go to work thursday because i was so dizzy i couldn't stand up. Then Friday i get to work, we have a half day at this high school because the boys were playing in the basketball championship (Wonder how that went). So i get there about 7:30, two of my kids come in at 7:40 and then see me for zero hour and then 8ish i call for my next kiddo and he's absent and about 8:45 the internet has stopped working and at 9 so has the phone. WHICH we use that to call the kids out. The power was out for 2 periods. 10 o'clock rolls around and me and Kristen get ready to go to the Autism program to do speech and they don't have a blender and by 11 we were done. School wasn't supposed to be out till 12:45 but Kristen and i had had it! the day had started crappy and we were just ready to go home. So that was nice, getting home around noon, i watched a movie and took a nap. that was great. Saturday we went to amanada's cousin's wedding reception (so pretty) and we danced (which was fun). yesterday i went to church (great meeting btw) and then today my alarm goes off to get up to get ready for work (which i do) and then as i'm getting ready to leave, i head out to this wonderful car of mine.......it won't start. Yaup. won't start at all. the battery is D-E-A-D! and surprisingly i'm not all that mad about it. I feel bad because I was sick thursday and i work at the same school monday, i feel bad that i'm missing the kids...yet again...and that i think the speech therapist there is a little mad at me. i feel bad about it, but i can't find my roommate and it's too early for everybody else to be up. So i am waiting until i can get a hold of somebody to come and jump it so i can take it to autozone and have it looked at. Battery costs around $70-100 is what Billy said. I'm hoping that 100 is as high as it goes! cause i can't afford to go any higher right now. I've got a BIG trip this weekend. so clearly my car NEEDS to be working haha.
But i decided i wasn't going to get angry, there was nothing i could do to change it or fix it right away. So i embraced the saying, "Come What May and Love It." But with this i have now OFFICIALLY decided i have GOT to start dating a mechanic!! [" ha
xoxo J

Music for love

2011-03-06T00:13:00.000-08:00

So i'm kind of sappy....okay. i'm A LOT sappy. I'm one of those people who's heart breaks for the heartbroken in the movies. AND i'm one of those girls who gets all giddy and smiley when the girl and boy FINALLY get together. I am a complete and hopless romantic, inside and out!! and everybody tries to convince me in things like fate and destiny and the sad thing is, i once was a beleiver. I know, SHOCKER! (to tara or michelle if they ever read this ha). And maybe sometimes i get a strange and very short lived urge to believe in it..for myself. See i beleive in it for other ppl, I however, do not make that list. And it's not because i've cut myself off from wanting that or anything, i just don't think it's for me. And it actually makes me sad that i can't beleive in it and can only chalk things up to coincidence (again, my situation only). A few things about me, I LOVE the feleing of falling in love. all the sweet moments. i love the butteflies in the stomach, i love the heart racing and dropping. I love the little smiles you get when a thought of him pops into your head. I love the little sighs that come when you are thinking of him. i love the hand holding and the sneaky kisses. i love it ALL. it's all so exciting and fun. and each one feels different. it really is amazing. (see my sappiness ha)
well it's not just movies and books that give me these feelings. i LOVE finding songs that i hope someday can relate to me. and i LOVe it when i find songs that are sappy and make you do the cute sigh for your imaginary boyfriend haha. So here is a list of songs with a few of the lyrics that i HOPE someday a "handsome young man" (as my great grandma dreams up for me) will find these things in me and love them haha and creat his own, lets face it, he has to be crafty on his own too. <3

I can't Wait by Runner Runner
"The way you curse when we're in traffic. A million flavors of your chapstick...I can't wait for you to be my wife, to live this life together and i won't let you go. I need you to know that you are my heart, forever. and on and on and on."

Baby Blue Eyes by A Rocket to The Moon
"She wears heels and always falls. Don't let her think she's a know-it-all. But whatever she does wrong always seems so right. My eyes don't beleive her, but my heart swears by her."

Somethin' Bout a Woman by Lady Antebellum
"Well there's somethin' 'bout a woman with my t-shirt on. hair in her eyes with no make up on....She's a child, she's a lady, she's got everything that i could ever need."

You are so Beautiful to Me by Joe Crocker
"You are so beautiful to me, can't you seen? You're everything i hoped for, you're everything i need. You are so beautiful to me."

Everything I Do by Bryan Adams
"There's no love-like your love. And no other-could give more love. There's nowhere-unless you're there. All the time-all the way. You know it's true. Everything i do, I do it for you."

To Make You Feel My Love by Garth Brooks
"When the evening shadows and the stars appear, and there is no one to dry your tears. I could hold you for a million years, to make you feel my love."

Makin' Memories of Us by Keith Urban
"I wanna honor your mother, and i wanna learn from your Pa. I wanna steal your attention like a bad outlaw. And i wanna stand out in a crowd for you, a man amoung men. I wanna make your world better than it's ever been. And i'm gonna love you, like nobody loves you. And i'll earn your trust making memories of us."

Gimme That Girl by Joe Nichols
"Gimme that girl with her hair in a mess, Sleepy little smile with her head on my chest. Gimme that girl that's beautiful without a trace of makeup on. Barefoot in the kitchen singin her favorite song. Dancin around like a fool, starrin in her own little show. Gimme the girl that the rest of the world aint lucky enough to know."

anyway, those are just a FEW of my favorites. haha. I got a little nutso, but there are just certain songs that little parts will get me. And i LOVE that about music. or movies. or even books. i LOVE the little feelings in my stomach they give me and the little twitter pitter patter of the heart. haha. Love love love. It's so much fun, and yes it can be sucky when it hurts, but when it first starts it's just FUN and i LOVE that first, brand new feeling of being in love.

xoxo J

thoughts for the day....

2011-03-04T15:40:00.000-08:00

I think this is a wonderful though. We aren't average, each one of us has so much potential inside of us just waiting to be tapped into. some of us may never get the chance because we don't believe we are special.

I like this idea. Mainly because i agree that you can't save the damsel if she likes her distress. Be your own hero. There is no need for a knight and shining armor to ALWAYS come and save the day. yes there are days we need that and want it, but don't be afraid to save yourself.

When i found this i thought of my BEST FRIEND! she is wonderful, and she is amazing and i love her to death. and i think it's important for all of us to have a best friend. somebody who you can turn to when things are bad, but not just that, when things are good.

i LOVED this picture. mainly because of the piano. i miss being able to play the piano everyday and i can't wait till i have one of my own hah.

Everytime we get our hearts broken and have the opportunity to move on to find somebody else for a split second we think, "Well what's going to go wrong with this one?" We end up running or pushing that person away because we are afraid we are going to get hurt. But the truth is we never know what will happen. Hearts are made to fall in love, and with that sometimes they are gonna get broken but it's important to remember that a new love will come alone and it will be better than the last until you finally find the LAST one. don't focus on the many reasons why it won't work out and just enjoy the ride.

i LOVED this quote. everybody always tells you to "follow those dreams" which is important, but we have to do more than that. good things don't come to those who wait, good things come to those who can't sit still and have to go after them.

This one is a little sad. but true. and i think that's why it had the affect it did on me. too many times (my own experience and those who i love) have experienced a broken heart over and over again from the same person. and as girls we are constantly giving out chances because we just don't know how to give up on somebody. But there comes a point in our lives when we realize we will always have strong feelings for these ppl, but sometimes we have to give them up because they are harmful to us...to our being.

ha this one was cute. And it reminded me of Grease when Frenchy tells Sandy, "The only guy a girl can trust is her daddy." ha and sometimes its true. I dk where i'd be without mine. he's definitely a keeper and always there for me when i need him. And lastly, because i am a bundle of passion, i found this one appropriate. i always tell anybody who will listen that if your heart isn't in it, then it's not right. For instance, if you go the mall and you find these adorable shoes, you know the ones i'm talking about, the ones that look super cute just sitting there in the window but the minute you try them on it's just horrific! do we buy them because well maybe i can make them look cute? Nooo you walk away immediately sister because the fact that you even SECOND GUESSED it for a split second is truth enough that you really don't love them. It's the same with anything in life. Whatever you do, do it because you WANT to do it, because if you do it for all the wrong reasons then you're not enjoying life or the experience. Passion is very important to me, i'm a FIRM believer that we feel more things than we think them [" but mainly that's because my brain doesn't communicate with my emotions sometimes.

hope you enjoy and that you have a FABULOUS weekend.

xoxo J

The SandLot....

2011-02-27T13:54:00.001-08:00

This has to be one of the BEST movies EVER mad in the history of movies! and if you don't agree, then poo on you [" not only is it a good movie about baseball and how to kiss the hot lifeguard buuuut it's also full of hilarious lines.

Like these:

Ham Porter: Hey, Smalls, you wanna s'more?
Smalls: Some more of what?
Ham Porter: No, do you wanna s'more?
Smalls: I haven't had anything yet, so how can I have some more of nothing?
Ham Porter: You're killing me Smalls! These are s'more's stuff! Alrite now pay attention. First you take the graham, you stick the chocolate on the graham. Then you roast the 'mallow. When the 'mallows flaming... you stick it on the chocolate. Then cover with the other end. Then you scarf. Kind of messy, but good!

[the Sandlot Kids and their arch-rivals come face-to-face]
Phillips: It's easy when you play with rejects and a fat kid, Rodriguez.
Benny: Shut your mouth, Phillips!
Ham Porter: What'd you say, crap face?
Phillips: You shouldn't be allowed to touch a baseball. Except for Rodriguez, you're all an insult to the game.
Ham Porter: Come on! We'll take you on, right here! Right now! Come on!
Sandlot Kids: Yeah!
Phillips: We play on a real diamond, Porter. You ain't good enough to lick the dirt off our cleats.
Ham Porter: Watch it, jerk!
Phillips: Shut up, idiot!
Ham Porter: Moron!
Phillips: Scab eater!
Ham Porter: Butt sniffer!
Phillips: Pus licker!
Ham Porter: Fart smeller!
Bertram: [sniffs] Ahh.
Phillips: You eat dog crap for breakfast, geek!
Ham Porter: You mix your Wheaties with your mama's toe jam!
Sandlot Kids: Yeah!
Phillips: You bob for apples in the toilet! And you like it!
Ham Porter: You play ball like a giiirrrrrrrrl!
[entire group stands in shocked silence]
Phillips: What did you say?
Ham Porter: You heard me.
Phillips: Tomorrow. Noon, at our field. Be there, buffalo-butt breath.
Ham Porter: Count on it, pee-drinking crap-face!

Smalls: Oh yeah, the Great Bambino. Of course! I thought you said the Great Bambi.
Ham Porter: That wimpy deer?
Smalls: Yeah, I guess. Sorry.

Smalls: I was gonna put the ball back.
Squints: But it was signed by Babe Ruth!
Smalls: Yeah, you keep telling me that! Who is she?
Ham Porter: WHAT? WHAT?
Kenny: The sultan of swat!
Bertram: The king of crash!
Timmy: The colossus of clout!
Tommy: The colossus of clout!
All: BABE RUTH!
Ham Porter: THE GREAT BAMBINO!
Smalls: Oh my god! You mean that's the same guy?

Squints: For-ev-ver! For-ev-ver! For-ev-ver! For-ev-ver!

Those are a few of my FAVS! i really do love this movie. But as i was looking up some quotes for it i stumbled across this one from "Babe Ruth" oh you know, the Great Bambino, The Saultan of Swat, The King of Crash...yaup one and the same. anyway the quote was,

"Everybody gets one chance to do something great. Most people never take the chance, either because they're too scared, or they don't recognize it when it spits on their shoes."

and i thought, how true is this quote. And how often do i sit there and kick myself because i KNOW i'm meant for something GREAT! and that i want to somehow harness that GREATNESS and use it and be something totally awesome and then i get scared that it's already happened and i was so oblivious to the fact that i didn't even notice it. Or i'll worry that when it comes i'll be too scared to actually do it. So for me, this quote "hits a home run" And i hope that none of you are ever too scared to take a chance and do something great, because we only ever get that ONE chance. and i hope we all recognize them. and if you haven't seen the SandLot, go to the blockbuster and RENT it because it is seriously the BESTEST of the BEST (well besides The princess Bride)

xoxo Janessa

I promise I'm not a weirdo....

2011-02-26T21:56:00.000-08:00

So today I was heading out the door to go to Kyson's birthday party (Happy 3rd Birthday Kyso); i was walking to check my mail and this guy walked out of his apartment carrying this HUGE picture frame and it looked like he was looking for the dumpster. Now inside my brain was telling me, "ask him if he's throwing that away and if you can have it!" but did my mouth listen to my brain...? NOPE! it hardly ever does. There goes that idea. So i wait a little bit and head over to my car and sure enough he put it in the dumpster. so i call amanda (who has already left to the party that i am now late for) and tell her what i found and what i want to do but i dont' want the guy to catch me. she is laughing as i am trying to fit this thing into my car. it will not go! my door won't even shut, and this is the ONLY time something hasn't fit into the hutch in the back. so amanda tells me, "You're gonna have to try and take it into the house." And i gawk at her, What if this guy walks out and sees me. But i do it anyway. yes i am shameless.

So i am walking around the corner and of all the luck........there is neighbor dude. i have been caught red handed. His mouth drops and he stares and looks completely shocked and i am left there holding said evidence of his shockness. I smile and point to it, "So you were throwing this away right?" he laughed and said, "well i was." I laughed and we both stared at each other in total awkwardness and i smiled and said, "soooo can i keep it?" And he laughed, "well i guess so." and i said thanks really quickly and pretty much ran up my stairs and then i had to wait a good 5 minutes before i walked the stairs of shame back down to my car. haha. You have to understand i have been racking my brain on some decor stuff for both my house and for my friend Heather's baby shower. and i haven't been able to think of ANYTHING! and when i saw this HUGE frame i just got sooooo giddy. haha I guess it's true what Oscar the Grouch used to say, "One man's trash is another man's treasure." haha. We will see what this huge frame has in store for me.

(See it has suuuuuch potential. haha it's uuuugly right now. but i just might be able to make it pretty)

oh and by the way. here is my other pretty project i made. It's our chalkboard canvas. haha

It's pretty, this i know.

oh and this is my canvases that i made for Kirayli's room because my bestie FINALLY got a house, yay to her! and my little June Bug gets her own room and she has no bedroom decorations or anything soooo voila to her super awesome auntie!! [" haha yes in her room they will look way cuter and be straight haha.

and lastly, look at my cool t-shirt. i L-O-V-E it! yes i do

Hope everybody's weekend was superb!!!

xoxo Janessa

Sometimes we just need...

2011-02-22T21:05:00.001-08:00

Sometimes you just need ONE picture to make your day!
my Brittany sent me a pic of little Landon (one of my new nephews) with his "my aunt rocks" onesie i got him! i love pics like this, and even though i'm a little sad that i haven't met him just yet, i still get a little giddy just seeing his sweet face with those big brown eyes. So Miss Brittany, thank you very much for the picture today. because sometimes we just need an itty bitty reminder that life is good.

xoxo auntie J

happiness can be found

2011-02-20T00:07:00.000-08:00

Happiness comes in many forms. In the company of good friends, in the feeling you get when you make someone else’s dreams come true,or in a promise of hope renewed. It’s ok to let yourself be happy, because you never know how great that happiness might be.Sometimes pain becomes such a huge part of your life, that you expect it to always be there, because you can’t remember a time in your life when it wasn’t. But then one day you feel something else. Something that feels wrong only because it’s so unfamiliar, and in that moment you realize you’re happy.

I got to see the ever lovely Charmayne tonight. It was soooooo nice to get to sit down and talk like we used too. Sometimes i forget just HOW much i miss that girl until we're sitting there like the old friends that we are, chattin about pretty much everything that's going on in life. Towards the end we were talking about just how happy her new man makes her [" and i started to think of this quote up above from one tree hill. Because suddenly it was just like it was okay to be happy, that you realize you're happy and it doesn't feel wrong or unfamiliar. It feels like it was always supposed to feel like this.

Which then lead me to think about how much we go through in life. The dirty gritty details. the pain, the hurt, the loss, the betrayl. Bitter moments that stay with us forever, things we can't get rid of because they have impacted us in a way that has made it impossible to ever truly let go of them. Things we've done, things others have done to us, things we didn't do that we should have. They all take apart of our hearts and souls and hang on for dear life, leaving a dark residue that's hard to ever set right. But we can't let those bitter and hurtful things make us think it's so wrong to be happy, that we just don't have the RIGHT to be happy. Once we have figured out that for all the pain and heart ache that life causes that in the end life REALLY doesn't owe us a THING for any of it, except the luxiary of finding happiness to replace it, then and only then will we just let it all go and be happy.

We're only human and we are going to make mistakes. It's apart of life. Some of the best and worsts parts of it in fact. We shouldn't let then hold us back or keep us from living our lives. When you're young every little thing that happens seems like it's so big; like you'll never get passed it. but the world's got it wrong. We are all stronger than we think, we are all capable of more love and happiness and we shouldn't feel guilty in indulging in it. so to my lovely and wonderful Charmayne, YOU be happy for YOU. because YOU deserve it. YOU and Mister. i am sooooo uber proud of you (which i tell you all the time). Life doesn't owe us anything, it's going to kick us around sometimes, and yes maybe we will think that that pain and hurt that we've let camp out on our front porch is always going to be there, but that's not true. and you've found that out. You've found TRUE happiness. like you said, you found you with him. and i know that sounds a little cliche for any of you "we don't need a man to be happy" gals, but it's the truth. sometimes we find the person we are meant to be through the one person who truly loves us for the little details and quorks. I should hope we all find that one person who makes us feel alive and safe and comfortable. It's not "lame" to find that one person. we are NEVER too young, love finds us all at different times and ages. Never worry about what others say, they are just jealous that you've found it and they are still looking. Love knows no limits, no age, no fences when it is real. Love is meant to last forever and when it's right...it's right. and the only two people that can be FOR SURE about it are the TWO people involved.

Miss Charmayne you big beautiful doll, thank you for coming to see me. i miss you all my 7 hours away [" i'm so glad you are happy.

xoxo J

This is me

2011-02-18T13:19:00.000-08:00

My sister Jershon told me once, "You base everything on heart. you're a bundle of fire and passion." i LOVED that she thought that of me because sometimes there are things i WANT to see in my self or things i WANT to be and so when sister said this about me it made me feel happy. haha and then i thought about it. Here are things i have discovered about myself recently.

I love falling in love, whether it's with a boy or with a nail polish color or even the bedspread i had to walk away from the other day because it was $200 buckaroo's. i can't help it.
I love getting butterflies in my stomach. when i watch the cutesy movies and the lovlies of romance happen i LOVE the way my stomach flutters. Or when that cute boy you've had a crush on for a while smiles at you, ohhhh heavenly.
I am one of those people who has to FEEL strongly about something before i get it or do it. (ex. the bedspread ha let me explain. i have been looking for a cuuuute bed set for a couple of years but haven't found ANYTHING i was super in love with. until the other day when we go to Bed Bath & Beyond, it was red and white and had flowers down one side, oh it was adroable, but 200$ was sooooo much and in the end, i didn't love it as much as i thought i did. ha) but i make decisions based on how i FEEL about them.
I love red nail polish. There is just something about a classic red color on a girls nails. it makes me feel sassy and poshe.
I can cry over the happiest of things just because it's happy. And i can cry over the saddest of things, well because of the obvious. I feel things differently than other people. Maybe it's called sensitivity, i think it's called "theatrics" ha.
I will think with my brain, i will. Most of the time i try too. Mostly because we have a brain in order to THINK with. But there are just certain things that i think completely and 100%ly with my heart. and you never know when those things will pop up, they just will.

So sister knew things about me that i always knew but never pointed out to myself. Now i see them. and i LOVE those things about me. I've got my quorks, and my attitudes and my loves and dislikes, but they are what make me ME! and that's what i love about the little "theatrics" (as i like to call them, mom calls them her princess drama queen). This is me. I love what's on the inside of me and that some of them come out on the outside.

xoxo Janessa

oh. p.s. please oh please oh please go watch THIS movie

you will laugh the WHOLE time.

xoxo J.

so there's these girls in my life....

2011-02-09T16:57:00.000-08:00

So first note, Today is little sis Jerica's bday. she is officially 13 years old! i dk where time went so fast. when i told her she was making me old she asked, "What are you? 18 now?" haha have i mentioned she's my favorite [" haha. and when i told her that she laughed and said, "I'm everybody's favorite." i sure love this little gal. She is sweet and confident and so beautiful!

(she is the one in the middle)
Now when i was in high school I wasn't sure if i was gonna like her much [" she cried about a lot of stuff and when you're the older sister and the younger one is constantly crying you're just not sure about them. buuuuuut i was wrong. I guess we all figure that out as we grow up don't we! i like her more than i ever thought i would. She is one of my best friends.

she is good at pretty much ANY sport (i'm a little jealous, yes i am)
she has nice long legs (again, jealous ha)
she is beautiful
so smart
filled with confidence
has a WONDERFUL smile
lovable, always willing to give me a hug
a nice butt that she more than willingly lets me tickle (hah)
she is sweet
very adventurous
i was 9 when she was born. i always loved being a big sister
she's going to be a beautiful woman, my little new teenager

Now there is another girl in my life, sister Lyn! she will be 16 in 4 days!!! sooooo crazy how fast time really does fly by. When i called to talk to her today and ask her what she wanted for her birthday she answered the phone, apparantly i woke her up. And so i have NO IDEA what to get sleepy jonalyn at all.

I think i was a horrible sister because i didn't know if jonalyn and i would ever get along way back when. But i sure do love this kid. more than she'll ever know.

Jonalyn is the goofiest girl i've ever met.
kind of ditzy
a little on the "blonde" size. We get a good laugh at jonalyn's expense most the time
sooooo beautiful! look at those eyes and that smile!
She is absolutely amazing.
loves any kind of movies
funny when she see's a spider
ABSOLUTELY amazing on wii, riding a bike yaup. the dog don't even like her on there.
she's more like me than anyone should be allowed to be ["
she is sweet! maybe some don't realize that but she has the BIGGEST heart
i am 6 years older than her
and i can't believe she's already gonna have a sweet 16, our little almost valentine baby

Jonalyn and Jerica, i cannot wait to see the two beautiful women that you will both be! i am so thankful that God blessed me with sisters like you. (jershon and jorja are totally counted in all this lol) i love you guys. Thank you for letting me be your big sister and for being so awesome. Happy birthdays girlies.

NOW last girl on my list!
My little Charmayne. We've known each other for so long and last year she came up to Las Cruces because she got into NMSU and we were pretty much together every day/night! And now that i had to move to Mesa i miss her more and more every single day. ha she was the cheese to my mac [".

My Charmayne- we dyed hair quite often in my little kitchen
and when we missed a spot we'd make a late midnight trip to walmart so we could finish.
she toilet papered my tree in the front yard (although it took her a while to admit it)
sometimes bad things would happen to us (ppl breaking in ring any bells)
she loses her credit card of ALL the things to lose, yaup this is the FIRST and usually the oNLY
she'd come tan in my back yard on my picnic table.

She is BEAUTIFUL!
smart
sooooo kind and has such a big heart.
she can make me laugh NO MATTER what kind of day i'm having.
loved to make oreo milk shakes
the only one who would dance with me at church dances.
was usually the one coming up with things like laser tag (with flashlights, small town peeps)
believed in me even if i didn't believe in myself.
let me mother over her
danced outside Denny's with me at midnight thirty
would always just walk right on into my little casa (and i loved it) there was no knock neccessary!

Basically she is a ray of sunshine for me and i miss her so much.
I am soooooo beyond proud of her and the person she is becoming
she is STRONG
follows her HEART!
Couldn't ask for a better friend.

Charmayne and I have been through a lot of the same things, and we'd always laugh and say it was a good thing we didn't graduate high school and go to college AT THE SAME time otherwise trouble would hav ensued [". But i was so thankful to have her in Cruces and i miss her so much a lot of the time. She knows how to have a good time and she'd always make sure i had something to do. Charmayne has made some changes in her life, in fact we both have, and i couldn't be MORE PROUD of this girl! and i just want her to know that. And that it's not always going to be easy, and sometimes it's gonna suck, but life is worth even the worst of days. i miss you girlie girl and i can't wait to see you in March.

i love all my girls, these 3 just got to be displayed for everyone else to ooooh and awww over today haha. don't worry everybody gets a turn. haha

xoxo Janessa

i can make yummy stuff too

2011-02-07T18:58:00.000-08:00

so anybody who knows me (and i mean really knows me) know that i can live off of cold cereal quite nicely. it's a weakness, but i enjoy it oh so much. BUT every once in a seriously GREAT while i can make yummy stuff too. (that's not pasta mind you) like tonight. I had a piece of thin steak (i can't remember what it's really called) herb and butter rice, cottage cheese and a half of alvacado! can you say yuuuuuuum! Cause my stomach did, loudly mind you! it was great! and i still have some of the taste left over haha, which reminds me that i need a drink and to brush my teeth. haha. soooo maybe if for some reason i do get married my husband won't go hungry.....all the time that is. ha.

xoxo Janessa

SuperBowl Weekend

2011-02-06T22:02:00.000-08:00

Sorry i dont have any pictures. mainly because i think ppl would think i was weird if i was following them around with a camera, and secondly because i just didn't feel like doing that. Miss Amanda and i were invited to her brother's and sister n law's house for super bowl today and it was AWESOME! Miss Nikki makes the BEST nacho's EVER! seriously she could get an award for them lol. and she made these cheesecake bite thingy's. they were delish, of course! she's an awesome little home maker. Then i spent the majority of the super bowl playing with Kober's and Kyso and that was lots of fun, but i did get to to sit down and watch a bit and i think it was good. The halftime show could have been better, but oh well. Miss Nikki has 2 guys she wants to set me up with, so crossing the fingers that we get that goin sometime soon [" lol.
Anyway Miss amanda and I love goin over there to their house and hang out! it's always lots of fun! Today we got to see her brother JC in a whole 'nother light! he's kinda a Packer's fan ([") hah. He was gettin all hyped up, and 4th quarter it was gettin a little too close and we all thought he was gonna start bangin his head against the wall. it was great entertainment (BETTER than the half time show times 3) haha. Anyway, I don't think God could have blessed us with 2 better people to look out for us down here. And they are always tryin to help us feel more comfortable or anything like that. and they always give us something to do if we need it. So thanks to you guys, Ya'll ROCK!
Can't wait for our craft day...someday! haha.

Hope everybody had a good Superbowl weekend. I am done making my lunch for tomorrow and I am hittin the sheets.
Peace Out!
xoxo Janessa

Miss Amanda- when we get bored

2011-02-02T19:42:00.000-08:00

So basically the past 4 days ALL miss Amanda and i have done is watch movies. I get home from work and we both plop down on the couch, pop in a movie (got a lot of --ops in here) and stay there ALL day and most of the night. Ya, we rock, we know it. We have a hard time showing it haha.
miss amanda faithfully checks the mail everyday (she's basically a rock star because i always forget) and she gets excited when Food City's advertisement comes in. Yes, we like Food City. And she gets even more excited for Rancho's Market (i think that's the name) so today i get home from work, ate a yogurt, and slipped on pajamas because it is FREEEEEZING up over here. (WHEN did AZ decide to get so cold??!) and we decide to head on over to the rancher's market because ALL of their fruits and veggies are like 69 cents a LBS! ya so awesome, so we got A BUNCH of food for like 10 dollars. it was GREAT!
ANYWAY, because we are funny and things are BOUND to happen when we get bored....well....

you get the picture? Ya so this is what i call, "Amanda's boobs" see miss Amanda has many talents. She is beautiful, she can play sports, she can totally kick your butt if you mess with her. she is funny, she is smart, and she's totally a rock star, BUT her best feature (as she would say ha) is her ta-ta's. She's bountiful in that area haha. totally making a harvest joke if you aren't gettin with the program here.

Anyway, i love my Miss Amanda and i'm so thankful for her and that she lets me embarass myself at her expense haha. looooove you hun.

xoxo Janessa

on a sad note

2011-01-31T13:08:00.001-08:00

Today is what i like to call, "happy paycheck day to me" it's kinda like a party, in my bank account. Yes, we both jump and shout hooray, sometimes even surprise! So I have been looking forward to today ALL month basically. Oh all the possibilities that were looming around in this head of mine. First i was gonna get some gas in my car (check), it was in a desperate need of it, pretty much running on fumes. Next i was gonna go grocery shopping (not checked yet) because my poor little pantry and freezer shelves are getting lonely from all it's regular costumers that frequently visit and haven't paid call to them in a few days (yes i give feelings to inanimate objects). This morning after i got gas in my car, as i was getting ready to get in the freeway to go to work, my car made this awful grinding noise, it sounded like this (GRRRIRIIIIICHHHHHGGG) yaup, that's the noise it made. i thought my brakes were gonna fall out of the bottom of my car. It had been making this noise for a couple of days but today it was so bad that it hurt my ears (and broke my heart) because i heard my bank account going from "Yippee" to "oh rats, she's done it again." yaup that's right folks, i had to take off work (i was afraid to drive any further with that horrible sound) and then called Midas, they could get me in at noon, they were the cheapest i could find. If it was only the brake pads it was 89.99 for each axel (whatever that means right, don't speak car lingo). So they check it turns out it IS the brake pads but also the Rotor, GREAT! sooo my poor little 2005 pontiac is sitting on top of these lifter thingymajigs (maybe if car lingo was like this i would understand it) getting brake pads and a new rotor for the whopping price of $237 plus tax. Yes my friends, that's a chunk of change and rent is due tomorrow. and i haven't paid tithing and i haven't gotten groceries yet.

So for future references i have decided i need to add something to my "guys should have this when i date/marry one of them" list. (don't laugh, you've all had them)
"MECHANIC" ya, i'm gonna have to say that's probably a definite must have. oh and we might as well add "HANDY MAN" on other house needs because let's face it, with me something is bound to break sooner or later. it's sad, but true.

On an even sadder note, my sister Jerica has to go to the doctor today, we hope she okay, so if you've got an extra prayer, we'd like to have it come our way, thanks a bunches.

before my blog turns into a sob fest i had better find something happy about today. I went back to sleep because Midas couldn't get me in at 7:30 am so i didn't wake up till around 10, cleaned my car out, cleaned the carpet where the milk spilled in it (ya it was starting to smell ha), and then i sat down and 3 times to finish 51st dates, stilll waiting to finish it by the way. so i'm gonna hop too that.

hope your lovely Monday has been better than mine.

xoxo Janessa

lookey lookey--busy bee give away

2011-01-31T13:02:00.001-08:00

don't we love Lauren from busy bee? (everybody nod up and down very fast)! she is giving away this lovely mini camera with film (oh it's so precious and she's in love with it too). all you have to do is go over to her website and tell her who your favorite book boyfriend is. I took Jack Force from the Blue Bloods novels, sorry, he's pretty much mine forever ["

xoxo J

of course i'd be the blushing one....

2011-01-30T15:58:00.000-08:00

so something i've recently discovered is the fact that i blush.. i dk why. it's a newly found thing that happens. my cheeks get all red and it's not the cute red, you know like you see on the movies, the pretty girl that the pink just shortly flushes over their adorable cheeks. nope it's like my whole face gets red, but mostly in my cheeks. what an ugly thing to hapen.

today...

that...

ugly....
little red face blush.....

happened.

All because of facebook. oyyyyy to the poodles.

xoxo Janessa

blessed....cursed?

2011-01-28T18:40:00.000-08:00

From the time i hit my teens i was BLESSED with what we woman call "curves". 6th grad was horrible and extremely uncomfortable for me. i can't necessarily say that that was when i started to notice boys (kinda always been a little boy crazy) but it definitely was the time i noticed they noticed us. get the picture? i felt so awkward in my weirdly shaped body. I had great curves but my boobs really hadn't developed and i was a little more "wide" then the rest of the girls in my class. 7th grad i sorta started to slim down a little, by 8th grade i had developed those lovely "cruves" we all love. I had the waste that came in and the butt that went out just a little bit. and my legs were somewhat thin (as thin as i wanted them to be) and my boobs were starting to develop a little bit more.
As i grew up, i never really "packed on the pounds". my junior year i was in the BEST shape of MY life. I was toned, i was fit, i was healthy. and i looked GOOD! i LOVED my curves, i loved most everything about my body. (well when my hair was doin what it should and my make up was cooperating [") ha. But then senior year came, and i dk if it was the stress and the drama but i started packin on the pounds a little more. I stopped caring what i was wearing, mostly showing up in sweats and a t-shirt to school. AND i realize then that my BLESSING in disguise was now becoming a CURSE! ohhhh i cringe and kick myself for being sooooooo depressed in a sense.
NOW 4 years after the fact, i have packed on sooo much weight and i seriously HATE HATE HATE it! i just went through my closet to get rid of anything i don't wear any more (mostly what i don't fit into anymore). i about cried trying to try on 3 of my favorite pants that now won't even go up my thighs. And i have to tell myself most of my jeans/shirts i have owned since high school. BUT i also know that i have gained over 50 lbs sense i came into college. I lost 30 of it on HCG and gained 10 of it back, so basically i suck and need to make myself diet and excercise. the PROBLEM is, i have absolutely NO motivation to excercise. I dk how ppl do it. You would think that not fitting in my clothes would do it for me, but it just makes me mad and sad and depressed and then i revert back to "not caring". and dieting i HATE it. I hate counting calories or only be subjected to certain things. I am thinking about doing weight watchers because one of my bosses is on it and she said i could copy her book with all the points and stuff. But that just seems like it would be too much math, but it keeps her in check. maybe it will work. I'm also thinking about going back on the HCG drops, because even though i only really worked at it for a month, i was seeing results. My other thing is excercise. i dk what happened to me. In high school i was always on the move and my body was always in some sort of action. and now i come home, so exhausted from my day that i just can't make myself work out and i tried the whole get up early thing but i have to get up at 5:30 for work, which means 4:30 to work out, sorry i'm a FAN of my sleep!
So after going through and finding that only 3 pairs of pants fit me and out of those 3 pants i only like and wear 1 pair of those. i have to FORCE myself to go shopping for 2 more pairs of pants next week. SOOO not thrilled about this, i LOATHE shopping, i CRINGE at that the mere thought of it. MOSTLY because i haven't figured out what works for my body type yet. I am more daring with my wardrobe now then i've ever been, and everybody is always doing fun, new, cute things and it's just not for my body type, so i keep shopping wrong. what i hate more is that i have to buy 2 pairs of pants and a couple of new shirts (because i have 5 that i wear and that fits) in the size that i don't even want to buy them in! so basically, fatty mcfatty over here is finding that YES her curves are SUCH a blessing, but the fat in the front where her belly is, and then the added inches on her legs. SOOOOO a CURSE!

Ok, positive note. As girls we are really judgemental about ourselves and other girls. I learned in one of my human development classes that actually girls dress for girls, not boys. yes we want boys to notice and think we are cute, but really they aren't paying as much attention to what we are wearing. on the other hand, as girls we NOTICE what other girls are wearing, if it makes them look good or bad, if it's in or not. we notice and we judge it and critique it. it's just a mean girl thing. but we all do it, even the nicest of girls. i was reading a 17 magazine article (yes i still like 17 magazine ha) and they had this pack thing and it was a groupof girl show one decided to not look in the mirror and name off everything they hate but instead compliment themselves, to find the things they like most and focus on those things. yes EASIER said than DONE. so the other night amanda and i were feeling sorry for ourselves so i had us stand in front of the mirror and name things we like about each other.
My list for Amanda:
1. her long skinny legs- i am SOOO jealous of her legs! they are tan, they are muscley, and toned and long and ooooh green monster coming out ha.
2. her shoulders- she has FANTASTIC shoulders, she can pull of tank tops, razor back shirts, tube tops.. pretty much anything that shos off those awesome shoulders!
3. her hair- i LOVE how big her poof can get and that she takes such good care of it and tries new things with it. she has GORGEOUS hair.
4. her lady friends- yes she has HUGE boobs. but they are perky and full. haha that's how we describe them! basically i think MOST girls would kill for her boobs. ha

Amanda's list for Me:
1. she likes my curves- she likes that my waist comes in and then back out.
2. my butt- basically she wants my texas sized buttox.
3. my eyes- she wishes her were more a brownish color than her blue (even though her eyes are super gorgeous)

Then we had to list things we liked about ourselves haha. THAT list is something hard to come up with.
I can't remember Amanda's list.
but mine was:
1. My eyes- i LOVE the color of my eyes.
2. my curves- i REALLY do love my curves, and to be honest if the belly fat in front was gone i think i'd be a happy camper.
THAT was all i could come up with.
It's hard, and i encourage everybody to find htings we like about ourselves because the thing i am having to come to terms with is, if i'm not diong anything about getting slim and fit then yes, i'm going to feel miserable like this. so somehow i have to find the motivation to do it. money apparantly doesn't do it (haven't exactly put in a lot of effor with my biggest loser challenge thing), a sticker chart doesn't do it, and ppl calling me fat don't do it, and trying on my cltohes feeling broken hearted doesn't do it either. soooo any ideas because i am clearly in the need for some help here.

so yes, i LOVE my curves, they have always been a BLESSING...but the fat, such a CURSE.
hope i didn't mess your weekend up. ha.

xoxo Janessa

The Daybook

2011-01-23T17:51:00.000-08:00

Sydney from The Daybook is so charming, pretty, and i just LOVE all of her dialogue that comes with her pictures posting. I realize, I don't know her, in fact i was just introduced to her blog last night through yet another blogger i don't know, Busy Bee Lauren.
anyway, i am COMPLETELY addicted to Sydney and the Daybook now! Her fashion is just soooo awesome, and if i was tall and skinny I would duplicate her look. I serously need a fashion guru that i can pay to shop for me! soooo tired of my choices right now and feeling bored out of my mind with my fashion sense.
But Sydney and the Daybook aren't just good for fashion, she gives EXCELLENT date ideas, and even some fashin/hair tutorials! if you haven't checked her out. YOU should!

xoxo Janessa

quotes

2011-01-22T20:08:00.000-08:00

"Be willing to surrender who you are for what you can become." When i found this quote it was very powerful to me. Change IS life! how important is it for us to remember and open our eyes to that fact. It's hard at the same time. It's hard for me to look into myself and try to see what my true potential for life is. Because this person i've always been can be a little scared, intimidated, and completely self conscious about everything. It's hard for me to forget all of those things and FOCUS on how to push through them and find who i'm supposed to become.

One Tree Hill is pretty much my favorite show! i've loved it since high school and all week i've been watching my favorite episodes from the seasons i own. I love everything about that show (especially James Lafferty) ha. My bestie and I were so obsessed with this show we would figure out which character we thought we were more like. She was Peyton Sawyer, and she totally is. My bestie is soooo awesome, pretty, and knows how to follow her heart. but she gets into moods where the world can be scary, even if she would never admit it. Music definitely awakens all of us, and for her it's always been a way to explain how she is feeling. She's my "P. Sawyer" ha. I was the girl who was kind of a mixture- on the outside, i'm a lot like Haley. i love music, i love to sing, to play the piano, and i was always the one who worked hard in school and got good grades (too bad i didn't find me a Nathan right?) but on the inside, i feel like i'm a lot like Brooke. She's probably been one of my favorites since the 3rd season. It took me a while to like her, but she's got this bubbly personality, talks non-stop, fights for what she wants, and still turns up short sometimes. Yaup, i do that. And in the 5th season, she's the hardest working 22 year old i know. (i can relate). But this quote means a lot to me recently, because in the past 4 years, as a person i was pretty lost. I was letting boys define me, and a lot of times i was forced to grow up. Who knows if i've actually started believing in myself, but i sure have tried.

i LOVE Anne Hatheway! i think she is gorgeous, funny, and super talented. I love Princess Diaries, both 1 & 2. And i love this quote from it. I hate it when people tell us, "Oh you can't be brave, because you're too scared." We forget that everything in life is scary. new beginnings, endings...it's all scary. But we face it, and maybe we don't realize we are facing it, we struggle, we try to push through, and in the end we are finding that that fear never leaves, it's just finding something that's more important than being afraid. I've had to do that a lot in life.

this is my FAVORITE quote these days. I have made mistakes, i've let ppl take advantage of me, and i've accepted things that are LESS than i deserve. There will always be people who aren't going to feel or say they are sorry. We might even be them sometimes. And i know i've made bad decisions in the "should be making better ones" department. I can't forget them, i can't go back and change them, i just opened my eyes to realize that i will NOT accept anything LESS than what i deserve any longer. Sometimes i don't think as kids we understand this concept. I'm one of those people who wants to help everybody. i can't stand it if somebody has a problem i can't solve/fix/help with it. I don't know why i'm this way, i just am. it's a curse and a blessing. and too many times to count people take advantage of my kindness. and i let them. That's the only reason they do, because i allow them to make me feel less than anything afterwards. When i love something, i love it with everything i've got. I give it my all, i fight for it. And sometimes people in my life don't realize that. Sometimes they dont' want to admit that i'm right, and a lot of times i hate admiting when i'm wrong. As kids, you only have a brief moment to make mistakes and learn from them, and i'm 100% for that. SO LONG AS you realize that every mistake you make comes with consequences. Nobody is going to roll over and give you what you want in life, you have to work for it, and yes you'll make TONS of mistakes along the way. Learn from them, use them, and don't make the same mistakes twice.

and i've opened my eyes, "I'm not the same girl anymore." I used to wake up in the mornings HATING myself because i wasn't the person i used to be. But then i realized that that was okay, i couldn't go back and be her because she was niave and scatterbrained haha okay so i'm still those things, just not as bad. She had to move on, she had to grow up, she had to make mistakes, she had to CHANGE. Because i realized life doens't owe me anything. I have to take advantage of opportunites to laugh, to succeed, to smile, to be happy, to love. And to enjoy them. The world is this huge place, and it's constantly forcing us as humans to take a stand for ourselves and change. Sometimes we rise to the occassion, sometimes we fall short, and sometimes we don't do anything at all. But every day i live, i see new things in myself, and i find some of the old things, but i don't try and focus on the "old me" even if she was probably better in a lot of ways.

Because when it's all said a done. This statement rings true. "Everything happens for a reason." I may or may not get into grad school YET AGAIN! ha. i'm hoping that i do. Last year I wasn't so sure that i wanted it, i was ready for a break, a chance to find something in myself again. or to learn what i was good at. I feel like i've found that part. i am GOOD at what i chose to do. I'm a good therapist, i love the kids i see everyday, i love it when they learn something and remember it and that I was the one who helped them do it. it's an amazing thing. i'm learning so much. i used to be terrified at how i was going to do this job. Scared that i had made the wrong career choice. Because i didn't know what i was getting myself into. I'm ready now. Yes i still have LOTS to learn, hence why i apply for grad school right [". but if for whatever reason i don't get it, i'll know that there is something else i'm supposed to do. haha i just have to keep telling myself this. haha

keep on pushing through.

xoxo Janessa

wish list

2011-01-21T20:31:00.001-08:00

So i realize i write on here all the time, if you are bored or annoyed, don't read. Though i'd let everybody know what's new in life. I got a two new nephews within a week of each other!! literally. so nuts. Baby Rico was born thursday the 13th, and Rhyker was born thursday the 20th. so everything has been so awesome and fun! i love adding onto my brood of kiddos haha they sure do make my life interesting and full of love! so congrats to Jershon and Tara!
Second- I've gotten all of my grad school applications in. I am just hoping to hear back from them and that one is at least a "Yeah, sure we'll take ya." so April will be around the corner with that answer i suppose.
Third- Amanda is turning 21 on Sunday!!! eeeek! haha i think she's starting to feel a little old. I laughed and told her i felt the same way when i turned 21, i think its because everybody builds it up like it's a huge deal (and to some it may be) but when i got to 21 i felt like i was sooo old haha all i could keep thinking was, "I've waited for this???" haha. But when i turned 22 i felt soooo young and i was sooo excited to be 22! haha weird and a little backwards right?? maybe i was just in a better spot in life. ha i'm thinkin that is it ["

I did some goals the other day for 2011. things i want to work on. haha so far, i say silly things ALL the time haha. that hasn't really changed. I crack one of the ladies i work with up at least twice a day! it's great! haha. the taking a risk one will take some time, i haven't really had anything i feel like i need to "jump in" and do! haha. sooo that will come when it comes. i'm broke at the moment, so i guess my "frivolous" was paying bills and rent and groceries, ha, for some reason i don't think that counts [" i'm selfish ALL the time (well so i think) but haven't really done something for "me" necessarily. and i excercised Monday! haha. yes nice, i know. i do about once a week. i'm working on it. haha. that's why these are my GOALS! haha

But i wanted to put a wishlist up now! haha. not necessarily a 2011 wishlist, but things i would LOVE to do in life or WANT! haha. soooooo starting with numero uno ["
1-New York! Right now there is absolutely NO PLACE on earth i want to visit MORE!!!

Central Park! oh how i would LOVE to go ice skating there!

Of course i've already seen Wicked (i could watch it over and over) and i would LOVE to watch it on Broadway. Other favs would LOVE to see: Lion King, Beauty & Beast, Little Mermaid, ANYTHING by Rogers & Hammerstein!!

2. London- I wanna see Big Ben, the London Bridge, Shakespeare's theater, the castle!! oooooh i get all twiterpated

I also want to see the Peter Pan monument! "The Boy who Never grew up."

3. France- I want to fall in love with the lights and the romance. "To find myself on the streets of Parie."

4. Italy- because if i go to France! i have to see Italy!!! Of course you would just HAVE to take the little boat rides. so cute. Reminds me of Mandy Moor and hot austrailian guy in "Chasing Liberty."

5. East/ south, all around- I don't know why i became obsessed with the south. I love their old Victorian homes, the green, the colors, the accents, the fact that "Gone with the Wind" is ever so lovely. But i want to visit Georgia and it's peach trees. I want to sip lemonade on a porch swing. I want to travel to the Carolina's, see it ALL!

6. trees- The next couple of pics are where i want to live. ha well more how i want it too look cause i have NO IDEA where i want to end up. hah. but i want a dirt road with trees on either side of it leading up to my house.

7. Red Barn- I want to live in a "country" type area. Where we have plenty of room and are free to do what we wish. I want a red barn back behind my house. A garden next to it. There would be a tire swing inside the barn, maybe a few horses.

8. House- I want a Victorian/country style home. with a porch that wraps all around the house, and a patio up on the top from the masters bed. A white picket fence around the house might be sorta cute. haven't decided that yet.

Anyway, there's my wishlist! haha things i want or love to look at or dream about. someday....haha. it never hurts to dream.

xoxo Janessa

2011 Goals

2011-01-19T20:51:00.000-08:00

i am NOT one of those ppl who makes a New Year's Resolution. i am not very good at keeping them so i see no reason in making them. More power to those of you who do make them and stick with them. I just don't like to set myself up for failure. so i avoid making resolutions all together! haha. buuuuut i wanted to make some goals for myself. and in church we've been having A LOT of talks about "goal settings" haha ironic, probably not. but we've been learning to set acheivable goals, to not make your goal SOOO humungous that you automatically fail it before you even start it. soooo here it goes.

2011 Goals:
1. Say something silly (at least twice a week)
2. take a risk <---this one is hard for me. my dad tells me that i'm one of those ppl who takes low risks. it's true. but i want to push myself to "put myself out there" and take a risk.
3. buy something frivolous-- ha my parents will see this and scream, "NOOO!!" haha. but we're only young once and get to buy something completely out of our spending budget (i'm not gonna go super crazy) my kind of frivolous would be spending $40 on shoes haha.
4. be a little more selfish--no not in a bad way. i just need to start doing stuff that focuses on me a little more. All i've got is treating myself to Bahama Bucks or getting a pedicure once a month or something like that. But maybe bigger things will come through the year.
5. excercise more--- ha i can't say "lose weight" because i never actually commit myself to that. horrible i know. I just want to get back in the habbit of excercising. I even have me a sticker chart to fill out because WHO doesn't love getting stickers for doing something totally awesome! ha.

So that's all i've got for now. 5 i think is a pretty good number. and i think my goals are acheivable (haha hopefully). things i NEED to work at, things i WANT to work at, and things that are just FUN to work at. good luck to me huh?! ha

xoxo Janessa

answers

2011-01-18T19:50:00.000-08:00

The past couple of days I haven't been feeling like myself. Silvia and i are calling it a "Scorpio" thing because neither one of us have been feeling our happy cheery selves. Although 2 out of the 3 days i knew what was bothering me. I knew why i was upset and personal problems are the worst. I got to thinking, "There are things i can talk to my parents about, in fact most of my life's problems or whatever i can talk to my parents about. But there are things i can only say to my friends. and then there are these awful moments where i have nobody i can actually tell how i feel." I dk if anybody else has ever had this happen. But there are just times that i have to face things on my own, and yes that's apart of life, but it's not so much because i have too i guess, but more that some things i would hate myself for ever saying outloud. And then on top of that when you're feelings get involved, that doesn't help any situation.
A lot of stuff has happened in my life. Not all of it good, but not all of it bad either. In fact I'd go as far as to say that the good outnumber the bad (thank the happy days ha) but it's those awful moments that seem to outshine most of the good times we have in our lives.
I was never one who turned to the scriptures to find answers. I knew they were there but that just wasn't something i did. in fact i still don't, it just kinda happens to stumble upon me as i'm reading. It's funny how you can find one sentence or one little verse out of the million chapters you read that just suddenly makes you feel like it's all going to be okay. So i wanted to share some with you.

The first one comes from D&C 121: 7-8, "My son, peace be unto they soul; thine adversity and thine afflicitions shall be but a small moment; and then, if thou endure it well, God shall exalt thee on high; thou shalt triumph over all they foes." This particular scripture is very special to me because there was a period in my life that everything i felt, saw, touched, was dark. ALL of it. I put a smile on my face to try and show i was okay, but inside i was black as night and i knew it. a couple of years had gone by where i was still feeling this way and then one day I was asked to give a talk in my old home ward. I was not happy about having to do this, but seeing as i couldn't really say no i decided i would do it. Once my talk was written i read it outloud to myself over and over and over again just so i felt comfortable when i had to get up on the pulpit in front of everybody. Sunday rolls around and sure enough an old familiar (not so friendly) face is in the crowd. I looked down at my dad and all i can feel is this overwhelming feeling of wanting to run out the door and never go back inside again. But my wonderful, awesome pops, just smiles and nods his head knowingly. Shaking, i get up and start to read my talk. it's going good. Until i get to this scripture and something hits me HARD! i look at my dad, and i can see he feels it too because he starts to cry, and then i look at this person that i loathed more than anything, and somehow i just KNEW that it was all going to be okay. That it was alright to just let it go now. That it was in God's hands and that He was tired of me running from Him and ready for me to take His hand. I've never in my life felt the Spirit like that. But it's funny how this scripture still applies to my life, not just for having to let something go that hurt me so badly. But now as hits just keep on coming, i have to tell myself that it will only be for a moment, and somehow i know He's with me now, and it's all going to be okay.

2. 2 Nephi 4:20, "My God hath been my support; he hath led me through mine afflictions..." This ties into the one before. I was talking with Bonice last night and she was so proud at the person i have been trying to be. She said she could tell the burden was gone and that i was starting to find me again. Ha she called it a great "admiration" (thank you Bonice). and then she said something that hit home, "Someone must have been watching over me." I'm not perfect; i don't pretend to be. i know the mistakes i've made in my life, i'm not proud of them, but i've accepted them. I can't go back and change the past, all i can do is look to the future and keep my head up. I told Bonice, i wouldn't go back and have a re-do or change the things i've done. It has definitely helped me find this version of myself. But she was right, she has to be, because there is no way that i should have come out of half of the crap i did, without a physical scar of some sort, "Somebody was watching over me..." because, "My God hath been my support."

3. Enos 1: 15, "...Whatsoever thing ye shall ask in faith, believing that ye shall receive in the name of Christ, ye shall receive it." I had to tell Michelle this last night. Because faith is going to be tested day after day, time after time. it never gets easier. I dk why it has to be that way. It's not because God wants us to be unhappy or hurt. that's not it at all. I think he just wants us to have faith in Him, that to everything there is a time, place, season, and reason! But believing that somehow things will be okay, that is the BIGGEST challenge of all. Having faith that a child won't hurt any longer, having faith that a child will find their faith once again, having faith that you can get through lies, cheats, manipulators. We need that faith.

4. Mormon 1: 7-8, "...And now, i do not know all things; but the Lord knoweth all things which are to come;... And my prayer to God is concerning my brethern, that they may once again come to the knowledge of God, yea, the redemption of Christ; that they may once again be a delightsome people." I ended with Mormon last night when i was reading my scriptures. Michelle and i had just had this pretty serious conversation and i laughed inspite of myself because how ironic that this would be the last thing i read before i go to bed. Mormon is worried about his people, about his loved ones, and yet all he says is, "I know God has a purpose. All i can do is pray for them." Sometimes that's all we can do.

5. Alma 31: 33-35, "Wilt thou grant unto them that they may have strength, that they may bear their afflictions which shall come upon them...O Lord, wilt though grant unto us that we may have success in bringing them again unto thee in Christ. Behold, O Lord, their souls are precious, and many of them are our brethren; therefore, give unto us, O Lord, power and wisdom that we may bring these, our brethren, again unto thee." We went over this in insitutite tonight. Life isn't easy. In fact most of the things we deal with in life aren't easy at all. I don't have all the answers, but i hope that somehow God will grant me the strength to get through my trials and the things that hurt me and my family. I dk how He will do it, i just pray that he does.

As i was driving home tonight Michael Jackson's song "You are not alone" came on and i couldn't help but smile because I think somebody was trying to tell me this. remember earlier how i said there are just some things that i have to keep to myself and things i can't tell anybody. I think Mr. Jackson here was tryin to let me know that i'm not really alone.

But you are not alone
I am here with you
Though we're far apart
You're always in my heart
But you are not alone

Lastly because this is my FAVORITE scripture [" hah
Ruth 1: 16, " Intreat me not to leave thee, or to return from following after thee; for whither thou goest, i will go; and where thou lodgest, io will lodge; they people shall be my people, and thy God my god." This is just my favorite! haha and i can't really explain why without gettin all lovey dovey and i've already talked entirely too much.

xoxo Janessa

confession #13

2011-01-16T20:18:00.000-08:00

Confession #13---"Sometimes i'm the girl who can't even be herself."
I wanted you to be happy, so i made you laugh.
I wanted you to be funny, so i made others laugh at you.
I wanted you to be perfect, so i covered you in makeup and clothes.
I wanted you to experience life, so i broke your heart a few times.
I wanted you to make mistakes, so I flirted with disaster.
I wanted you to love, so I met a boy or two.
I wanted you to grow up, so I caught you off guard.
I wanted you to take a risk, so i dropped you.
I wanted you to get back up, so I left you.
I wanted you to be pretty, so I dressed differently; attracted less than cute.
I wanted you to be popular, so I surrounded you with people<--some untrue.
I wanted you to be honest, so I told a lie.
I wanted you to see yourself, instead you wore a mask.
I wanted you to be different, so i changed.
I wanted you to have more, so I took less.
I wanted you to be brave, so i threw your fears at you.

I wanted you to be brave, pretty, funny, smart, skinny, beautiful, fearless, lovable, trustworthy, honest, adult like. I wanted you to be more than any redeeming quality life has to give to us. But you weren't any of those things...

It's always after reading a book or watching a new movie for the VERY FIRST time. I get a new outlook on life and all of a sudden my mind is reeling and I can't control where it takes me. This little "poem" is a confession from my brain to myself. All of these things i wished i could be, tried to be, and instead ended up not being them ha. Instead i'm quite the opposite. I dk if i'm okay with them yet. i've accepted that i march to the beat of a different drum and that I am not like every one else and to be honest i LOVE that the most about myself i think. the fact that i'm different is a blessing, not a curse; a strength, not a weakness. but what bothers me most about myself is all the things i want for myself, and all the things that other ppl do that make me so mad!
Weakness of mine:
1. I care too much. ---> you'd think i would learn to stop caring. When you care about something it just blows up in your face.
2. I fight for all the wrong things. ---> standing up for what you believe in has been instilled into my brain/heart since i can remember. BUT choose your battles carefully, they might end up stabbing you in the back.
3. I'm selfish. ---> Everything is always about me. It drives me crazy when ppl tell me that i'm not selfish. I had an ex who told me once, "You're the least selfish person i know." Clearly he didn't know me as well as he thought he did because i am selfish to the core.
4. When i hate, i hate, when i love i love. ---> I'll love something with such fierce passion that i can't stand it when they do something to question that love. When they push it too far, i can hate right there with the rest of them.
5. I try too hard. ---> i'm always wanting ppl to love me, to accept me, to like me, to listen to me, to change me, to forgive me...etc. i try too hard to EARN ppl's acceptance and love. that's not right.

i've got more, but this is making me a little depressed thinking of them and that wasn't the goal of this post.

to confess yet again, I can't help but feel there is more out there for me. Waiting, possibly just as impatient as i am. And not understanding why it is taking so long for me to find it (yes this is how i feel as well). I can't help but feel that there is more to me than masks, games, and pretend smiles that everything is always gonna be okay. I can't keep pretending that things aren't okay, that things hurt right now and that things don't feel right. I can't pretend that i want more, that i'm restless sitting here waiting for it. I can't pretend that i'm mad as hell at some things, things close to me. and i can't sit here and pretend like it's not okay to be feeling all of this.

i just don't know mucha bout anything anymore.

xoxo Janessa

WICKED weekend hah

2011-01-15T19:18:00.000-08:00

As a young child my parents introduced us to musicals. Rogers and Hammerstein's classic Sound of Music was the first one we ever watched and i can rememeber as a kid we'd sit there as a family watching this 4 hour long movie, singing all of the songs at the top of our lungs. as i got older i was introduced to Grease and Peter Pan (the play) and i was always a fan of the princess movies and it's music as well. Then i met a wonderful woman, we called her Sister Mosley, and she fine tuned my love for musicals. not only was i singing songs from Sound of Music and Peter Pan but also from Carasoul, Oklahoma, and My Fair Lady. I was learning songs sung by Dorris Day and songs wrote by Irving Berlin. Moon River from Breakfast at Tiffany's was an instant favorite. As well as "Hey Daddy". I learned to love musicals even more.
today i was introduced to another musical that i am just going to HAVE to get to know ALL of the songs too now!

Introducing: (drum roll if you please)

WICKED!!!!!!!! I got to sit in on an ACTUAL broadway play, haha just off broadway! haha. This is the story about the witches in the Wizard of Oz! and oh how i am IN LOVE with it. It is so funny, so cute, sad, funny, everything you could possibly want ina play! it was just so wonderful! i can't stop thinking about it or gushing about it! it was just that GREAT! if you haven't seen it! please find a time or a day or something to go and watch it! Wicked you will just LOVE it!

We had such a good time! i can't wait to go back and see it again someday! it is by far the cutest play ever!

As i sat there watching it i about teared up because a lifetime dream of mine has been to go to a broadway musical! i have dreamed about it for years, but because New York is like FOREVER away, and planes scare the heebie jeebies out of me, i've never got to go and see one like this before. In college i got to see our theater department put on a musical of Cinderella and it was so cute and way awesome, BUT NOTHING like this! and i watched all of these ppl singing, dancing, and acting and i was INSANELY jealous! oh i'd give just about anything to be on a stage doing that. It was so awesome and someday i will brave the airplane thing, go to New York and see another broadway musical, this time ON broadway haha. Someday. yes a girl can dream. and don't say or do anything to dampen my dream ["

i had a busy weekend/week i guess you could say. Baby Rico (my new nephew) was born the 13th of this month. He was a whoppin 5 lbs 7 oz. he's toooo stinkin cute and looks a lot like his momma, my baby sister Jershon! mom, dad, and baby are doing great! pictures to post soon. So i drove from phoenix, to safford to see my nephew Tite and niece Kirayli and bestie Saraya and give them their 2 week old Christmas presents haha. Then drove on to York to see my new nephew and sister. Then back to Benson to sleep, then to Tucson for Wicked and just got back to phoenix an hour ago! i literally drove a whole circle. RIDICULOUS! haha but worth it. So glad i have Monday off from work, it will be much needed after all the driving i did yesterday and today!

xoxo Janessa

FRIENDS

2011-01-12T20:42:00.000-08:00

i am OBSESSED with this show!!! seriously. if anybody just wants to give me the whole freaking set of seasons i'd love you FOREVER! haha
well because i just love this show, lets watch some of my FAVORITE scenes from some of my favorite episodes ha.

I about pee my pants everytime i watch this one

"I'm an 8!" "You counted Missipily" haha

"Isn't that just kick you in the crotch, spit on your neck, fantastic!"

"That is bleeding, yelling, dialating....oh the dialating." (sorry sis, since your in labor, maybe you could laugh) "OH MY GOSH! no wonder my mother hates me!" "This reminds me of a very specific part on the tape." "Why is that baby torturing that woman!" "and look how happy the mom is now." "aww screw you guys you don't have to do it!" ha

"Let's not get testy"

SEVEN!

so basically i LOVE all of the episodes, but these were some of the top of my head that make me laugh the WHOLE time.

xooxoxoxox Janessa

Road Trip!

2011-01-10T16:48:00.000-08:00

Yay! today i had this spectacular idea!!!!! I realized that Phoenix is about 6-7 hours away from california! originally i wanted to road trip up to San Fran cause it's about 10-11 hours and i am DYING to see the bridge! ha but that's about the only thing i know of San Fran. and I want to road trip with two wonderful friends and there will be kiddos and they will want to enjoy themselves. sooooo i had another wonderful lightbulb go off...........................................DISNEYLAND! haha yaup, it's basically the happiest place in the whole entire world, it says so itself, somewheres! haha. anyway. we have calculated a rough estimate and we are all thinking of saving up and going last week of May, first week of June. whatever works the best and if we can get our money saved up. But i am so excited. IF everything goes the way we think it will here will be our itenerary.
1. Leave Phoenix Monday morning...early 6:30ish.
2. Drive straight to San Diego to the hotel.
3. hit the beach Monday afternoon/evening.
4. SeaWorld Tuesday
5. Drive to Anaheim Tuesday afternoon/evening.
6. Wednesday hit up Disneyland AND Cali Adventures.
7. Leave Cali Thursday morning....early 7ish hah.

yay! so excited. i hope it works. FIRST road trip on our own and we get to be kids! haha

xoxo Janessa

utah

2011-01-09T21:26:00.000-08:00

Some of you may know that I am applying for grad school this month! I am applying to BYU, NAU, and NMSU. BYU and NAU are my top choices. I applied to NMSU to have a 3rd one and cause i didn't have to pay the app fee because once you've applied there you don't have to pay again to reapply which is nice cause my two schools are insane apps. it wouldn't be so bad except NAU makes you do two different apps and two different app fees. oh well if i get in it will be worth it! Now the question is, "Will i get in?" the only thing holding me back are my GRE scores. they were even lower this go around then last time and i feel like that was the only reason i didn't get accepted last year. i'm hoping they don't just take a look at how low those GRE scores are and throw my name out of the ringer but actually take a look at all I've done in order to get to where i am now. BUT i guess April will tell us how all of that goes. I am nervous about it just because i really want to get into grad school and I've got 5 ppl for each school making that decision. soooo if you have an extra miracle lying around I sure would appreciate the use of it ["

anyway, everybody asks me which school is my number one choice and i have to say BYU. my great grandma's number one choice for me is BYU, ha but her reasons are so i can get married. she's really worried about that. awww my grandma is so cute i'm telling you haha. buuuuut my reasoning is hard to explain. I want to live in Utah, i dk why. there is snow, there is wind, and both of those combined means it's going to be miserably cold! haha but for some reason i still want to go haha. To explain what can't be explained: I feel a pull towards Utah. I wish i knew why or even how to describe it. Utah just feels like it's calling my name and I can't ignore that. I was talking to my friend Silvia last night and she asked if there was any way i could find an SLPA job up there. I'm not sure, definitely will have my dad look into that with me this weekend when i'm down. But IIIIIF i don't get into grad school I want to talk to my bosses and see if they know of anything up there in Utah so i can still have a way to pay for rent and all of that stuff. BUUUT if by some miracle of all miracles i get into grad school up there then that is where i will be next summer. Either way, Utah is calling my name and i'm pretty sure that's where i'm supposed to be. I have been praying for the past couple of months on what to do? Where to go? But mostly for God's help that He will help me with the decision and lead me in the right direction. I know He will put me where i am supposed to be and If i don't get into grad school then there's a reason behind it. And if I don't go to Utah there's a reason behind that as well. Mesa just doesn't feel like "home" to me. it's just a stop along the way to a destination of some sorts. I get anxious for that destionation, mainly cause i'm SOOO impatient haha. It's a strength and a weakness of mine.

Maybe i should explain further. I am a Mormon, in other words (more approrpiate words) I am a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. and maybe some of you think, "Oh too bad" or some of you might go as far as to ask, "Why?" and i would have to say, to each their own. I believe what i believe because i KNOW it to be true. I don't have to explain it or give detail on it. I know Joseph Smith was a true prophet and the sacrifices he went through along with the rest of the early Saints is absolutely astonishing to me. I've read a little about their journey to the Salt Lake Valley. It is an amazing story. We should all learn some of our past and how LDS saints crossed the valley and made it over to America because they wanted to be free from religious pursecution. So when I say that I am LDS, it is part of that belief that i know God will put me where He sees fit. Yes right now, i an hoping it's Utah. but if He doesn't need me there, then that's not where i'll be. But i can also say that as of right now I can't explain what makes me feel this way other than there's a tug pulling my heart towards Utah. I can't ignore it. I don't want to ignore it.

Obviously if i get into either of these 3 colleges i will go to whatever one takes me. But I'm hoping utah has a place for me as of right now haha. Maybe it'll change by April or June haha. But as of right now, I am feeling something that i can't explain. something new and exciting, something different and maybe a tad bit frightening at first because of the "new" factor. But i also feel something joyous and wonderful. and i like those feelings. even if the combination of them leaves me with butterflies in my stomach.

If you want to enjoy some beauty, take a look at the following pics.

mount timpanogous temple

vernal temple

st. george temple

salt lake city temple

provo, temple

Oquirrh mountain temple

Ogden, temple

monticello temple

manti temple (no stranger on here huh ha)

Logan temple

jordan temple

draper temple

brigham city temple

bountiful temple

These are all Utah Temples. aren't they gorgeous! haha i just wanted to see how many there were, and there's a lot haha

But this one is special to our small town. The Gila Valley Temple

xoxo Janessa

Tangled!

2011-01-09T15:27:00.001-08:00

i am IN LOVE with this movie! i went and watched it by myself today ha. but it is sooooo seriously cute! I laughed through most of the movie, smiled at all the cheesy parts, my heart even raced once or twice haha. and i teared up at the end awwww it's just got the perfect package haha! My cousin Jana had texted me after she went and watched it and told me it reminded her of me! and my Aunt Debbie wrote on fb that "it is sooooo you." haha. not sure why but here are some things i am putting out there [" haha

Rapunzel is kinda ditzy, but completely capable of taking care of herself (frying pans, who knew?)
Rapunzel is sweet but a little saucy when you make her mad.
Rapunzel is a little gulliable and scared of ruffians and thugs.
Rapunzel breaks out in song when you talk about "dreams"
Rapunzel gets all excited when she breaks free from her tower, she'll swing in the tree yelling, "this is the best day of my life" and then breaks down and cries about how awful of a person she is. At least 4 times! haha

SOOOOO if you know me, i kinda am all of these things. haha. and i kinda do most of these haha. Basically you NEED to go and watch Tangled! sooooo stinkin cute!and you will love her AS MUCH AS you love me [" [" [" haha. or more lol.

xoxo Janessa

3 times my charm--Confessions

2011-01-08T18:58:00.000-08:00

I have found something out about myself (yes that is what these confessions are for too) but this is something that i'm just going to tell you because i already knew it. I think lots! in fact lots of times my brain never stops spittin out information for me to say. I blame this fact on why i talk so much. But i also blame it for why i never realize what i'm doing. The other day i put the rest of my pizza in the freezer. I spent two days looking for it in the fridge and then just decided miss amanda must have eaten it. i finally remembered to ask her about it yesterday and she said, "You put it in the freezer." I was shocked. i couldn't even remember doing that. She said she watched me do it and just thought i was wanting to save it for longer than a few days. I laughed and opened up the freezer and sure enough, there was the foil covered piece of pizza. oy with the poodles! yaup i said it. Watch Gilmore Girls, it really is the best show ever!!!

anyway onto confessoin time.

Confession #10---"I might be too good for my own good....make sense?"
Sometimes i do everything i'm supposed to do. Yes i'm one of those kind of girls. Nobody realizes that i had a time in my life that i did it quite opposite but that's a whole nother story ha. Sometimes i'm the girl who hates to disappoint ppl so i just do whatever it takes to make them happy. who knows if it really makes me happy i just don't want to make them sad. ya i guess i'm a people pleaser IN SOME WAYS! But sometimes i feel like i'm too good for my own good. I'm a firm believe in making mistakes. That is how we learn from them. no i'm not saying making these drastic mistakes that will change our lives completely. But little ones that you can look back on and say, "Oh ya." too.

Confession #11-- "i'm a bigger nerd than anybody actually realizes."
I confessed to Amanda a while back that i'm actually a big huge nerd. she laughed, half believing me half trying to figure out what was wrong with me. I told her that when i would get home from practice i would go straight to my room and DO MY HOMEWORK!! (shock, gasp, insert here i know) ha. but i just wanted to have it done so i didn't have to worry about it if for some reason i went out and did something that night. Then i told her if i wasn't hanging out with friends or wahtever boyfriend i had for a few months then i was usually curled up in my bed reading a book! She laughed and said, "I never realized how big of a nerd you really are Janessa." We both laguhed because it's true. I love the Star Wars movies. In fact i cry every time i watch the 3rd one. I know aniken has to turn into Darth Vader but it breaks my heart. ha. When i was little Rhyno man and i loved the Ninja Turtles movies haha and if it happens to be on a channel i will still watch it to this day! ha. i love musicals and i know almost all of the songs from Rogers and Hammerstein's musicals. love them! i am still that girl who can curl up on my couch or in my bed and just read a book. most of the time i lose track of time too. So if you've ever seen Sydney White i will close this confession with a line from that movie, "I'm Janessa Moore and i'm a nerd!" ha

Confession #12--- "I am the girl who craves adventure and is sometimes so restless she can't stand it."
My last year in Las Cruces i was so ready to get out of there. That whole saying, "anywhere but here" totally applied. It wasn't that i hated Las Cruces, in fact i really miss it at times and i miss my friends that i made up there and i miss my little house! haha okay so maybe i get a little homesick over Las Cruces because it really did feel like a home too me for so long. But that last year i was just so tired of being there and doing the same thing over and over and over that i just CRAVED getting out of there. I guess i got my wish because now i'm in Mesa. and now i'm getting used to Mesa, but it doesn't feel like a "home". It just feels like a stop along the way. I wish i knew the destination as to what the stop goes with but i don't ha. Sometimes i'll sit there and start thinking (again, yes ha) and i just see myself doing so many things, different things. I see myself seeing different places, trying new foods, taking a spontaneous road trip to go see the "Elvis Sandwich" haha. anything to just get out of here. So yes, i'm the girl who complainsa bout all of this and can't do any of it because i'm a grown up and have a life to do haha. (which i'm thankful for that haha, gotta love that income don' tya) but someday, i'm gonna just pack a bag, jump in the car, and see where my car takes me. any takers to join?? haha.

So those are my 3 confessions. I've been behind and busy! but haven't forgotten. and i know nobody cares or reads them but i'm havin fun with them.

xoxo Janessa

Fun Facts

2010-12-31T23:36:00.000-08:00

Just Between Friends is a blog i like to follow! she's pretty crafty and i envy her creativity [". Anyway she recently did this Fun Facts thing on her blog and encouraged us to do the same. I feel like this is close to my Confessions thing i am doing, buuuuut i guess i will elaborate on things i've already done instead of things i wish to do or funny things i figure out about myself.

1. when i was about 5 or 6 years old my parents were coaching at Pima High School. There was this girl named Seneca who played volleyball for them and she had sprained her ankle or something and was finished with the ice pack she was using. everybody on the team (including my dad and my sister Jershon) ate the ice from the bag. Not too long after that Seneca finds out she has hepititus or something like that and the WHOLE team had to get a shot....IN THE BUTT!!!! oh i was so mad. Clever me though locked myself in the nurse's bathroom and they couldn't find the key. I can't remember how they got me out of there. My mom still gets a kick out of this story.

2. when i was little i watched The Little Mermaid a numerous amount of times. I had every line memorized. too this day i can practically repeat them all and i still love watching it.

3. I used to have a pair of red boots, i WORE THEM ALL THE time. but my favorite picture of me in them is where i've got these red boots, my pants some what tucked into them, a little mermaid shirt on, and a rope over my head trying to rope a cow dummy.

4. My first horse's name was Princess and we had just moved to our house on the hill and my sister and i were riding her bare back and we got tossed off into the canal. I got back on because Princess was a sweet horse...she just didn't like water. A couple years later i was on my aunt's horse Angel and got thrown onto her neck and rode upside down hangin lik a sloth for a little bit, and i was terrifed to get back on a horse. I have sense then. but oh geese it takes me at least 20 minutes to talk myself into it.

5. When Jershon and i were little we had matching mushroom hair cuts. oooooh how i loathe those pics. Jershon looks cute in them with her chubby cheeks, I HOWEVER, do not.

6. During homecoming, my sophmore year in high school, i was in thise whip cream, cheeto throwing contest. I had a pair of flip flops on and the school put a tarp over the floor so we didn't make a mess. I had to sit in this chair, put whip cream on my face and let Amy throw cheetos on my face to see how many i could catch (i think i only got one). after it was done it was a little slippery, the first time i slid Amy caught me before i could hit the ground. The second time my feet did exactly what they do on the Flinstones and i went sailing backwards, IN FRONT OF THE WHOLE ENTIRE HIGH SCHOOL!!!! after my friend stopped laughing she tried to help me up but instead i slid on my stomach all the way of the tarp. needless to say, a little embarassing and i had a HUGE headache. ha

7. Our family loves music!! the very first song i sang wiht my dad i was 6 years old and it was at my Great Grandparents 50th Wedding anniversary. i made my dad cry while we were singing the song. We still sing lots of songs together today. my dad is so awesome on the guitar and can hear something once or twice and play it. our family loves when dad pulls out the guitar.

8. Because the family loves music, one of the first musicals we were introduced to was The Sound of Music (classic, sorry if you don't like it, we beg to differ with you). Jershon and i knew all the lines and assigned ourselves parts in that movie. i of course was Leisal the oldest, and she was Gretal, the youngest. EVEN though she is the 2nd born in our family haha.

9. When i find something REALLY funny, my laugh sounds JUST LIKE my mom's.

10. My personality is a lot like my dad's. and some say i look a tad bit like him.

xoxo Janessa

Excitements the New Year Brings/confession #8

2010-12-30T16:51:00.000-08:00

part of my confession today is mainly things i like to do with my spare time. I'm a huge movie buff, i like lots of different kinds, varying from the year they were made. haha. i like Breakfast at Tiffany's ONLY Audrey Hepburn one, yes it was filmed in the '60s and i also like Casablanca IN BLACK AND WHITE, and yes it was filmed in the '40s. ha. see how i range. annnnd of course i still love the new ones. The Proposal is still a favorite, can't help but laugh every time i hear that song now. but there are a few things i am looking forward too in this coming up new year.

to start will be the movie "Beastly" staring Vanessa Hudgens and Alex Pettyfer.

EVERYTIME I see this trailer i do Amanda's happy clap which if you've seen The Killers when she announces she's gonna have a baby, it looks EXACTLY like that. "Beastly" is a spinoff on the Disney's Beauty and the Beast. i am sooooo excited to see it. When we went to go and watch Narnia it said it was coming out in March, so i'm hoping that this trailer lies! haha

"No Strings Attached" Mainly because Ashton Kutcher is just beautiful haha. but you know it'll be funny if he's in it.

"Just go with it" Because i love me some jennifer anniston and adam sandler. it's a perfect combination. haha i can't help but laugh every time i see it.

"Country Strong" It looks fairly good. I love leighton Meester as well as Tim McGraw. i think Gwyenth Paltrow won't be too bad. guess we will see when it comes out

my other obession is READING! i love reading! i love that i get to open up my imagination to different worlds, different characters, mysteries, loves, all sorts of different things. The first book on my list is Melissa De La Cruz "Bloody Valentine" from her serieis Blue Bloods! i am IN LOVE with Schulyer and Jack's relationship and i just can't wait for this book. This actually came out a couple of days ago. so i've gotta go buy it haha. Target here i come.

some more books I am looking forward to reading
"Amy & Roger's Epic Detour" by Morgan Matson

"Anna and the French Kiss" by Stephanie Perkins

"Prom & Prejudice" by Elizabeth Eulberg (spin off of Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austen)

I know there are many more in both categories because i just can't help but get excited about lots of stuff haha

so confession #8 would be I am the girl who loooooves movies and is perfectly content reading a book.

xoxo Janessa

confession #7

2010-12-28T21:10:00.000-08:00

"and you've got this way about you that makes me want to twirl in my room, i wanna throw my arms around you, pull you close and let you taste my lipgloss...." (this is part of the new song that i am currently writing. i'm workin on it haha. it might take a while to get done. buuuut have you ever seen a guy or met a guy and you think, "Wow you are so cute, i'd like to just grab you and kiss you!!" no? am i the only weird one. haha possibly. well sometimes i feel like this. sometimes i will see a guy and i will think "man i'd love to let him taste my lipgloss" (which is Victoria Secret thank you!) (it should be seductive enough right?? [") hah. my confession is---> sometimes i'm a little crazy (jk, that's not the confession)

Confession #7--- sometimes i'm the girl who likes a guy who can make me twirl in my room and who makes me want to throw my arms around him, pull him in close, and let him taste my lipgloss. yaup i'm that kind of girl.

xoxo Janessa

confession #6

2010-12-19T08:46:00.000-08:00

You have to love family, and Christmas time is a wonderful time to have with the family. Yesterday we had the annual Mortenson Family Reunion that we do every year around this time! it's lots of fun because it's my grandma great's family (dad's side) and we all get together and eat food, sing songs, do the nativity, lots of fun! Well afterwards we were at Aunt Debbie's house and my Grandma Great is really worried about me not having a boyfriend so we were having this conversation and I had a list of things I can't have in a guy haha (i'm really bad i guess Amanda is rubbing off on me ha) anyway my mother then admits about me that "Janessa's problem is her dad is so great (perfect), it's hard to find a guy to measure up to that." (on why i don't have a boyfriend) haha it's true. so sometimes i'm that girl who's a little picky on the guy thing ha
BUT that's okay, if i'm gonna date, have a boyfriend thing, to eventually get married, and it's gonna last forever (becase let's face it forever is a really really really long time) then i've got to really like the guy! and if he happens to be like my dad then yes, i'd be a lucky gal! because my dad is an awesome man!!! I always tell my parents they have made it impossible to find a good relationship like their's because it hardly exists anymore.

SO confession #6---yes i am that girl who's a little picky about who i date. BUT i'm also a complete Daddy's Girl! and that's okay. He's one of my best friends.

xoxo Janessa

Confession #5---

2010-12-16T17:28:00.000-08:00

Sometimes i set myself up to cry. i'll grab a box of kleenix, a blanket, and curl up on the couch, while i put a sad movie in. Today's sad movie was Charly! and if you haven't seen it, you are missing out on a terribly good cry!! sometimes i'm that girl, who just needs an excuse to cry.

xoxo Janessa

Confessions!

2010-12-15T21:27:00.000-08:00

i've decided to start this new thing where everyday i add a confession to a list of mine. I've come up with a pretty good list, so mostly i've been posting them on facebook, and i'm sure everybody is tired of me updating my status (sorry ppl, close your eyes) haha. buuuuut it's just something i decided to do, because there are things about myself that i forget to document or things that i forget about myself because i'm always in a hurry. so i guess if you think you know me you might have another thing coming. or maybe you think you know me and you really do. who knows, i don't haha. anyway i'll catch everybody up.

Confession #1---so maybe i'm the kinda girl who gets a day off from work and just sits at home and reads a book.

Confession #2---sometimes i'm that girl that HATES getting ready for things!!

Confession #3---sometimes i have a love/hate relationship with mushy gushy movies. sometimes they make me smile like a giddy fool and sometimes i just hate them. ha

Confession #4---i'm a perfect package of imperfections, and today i'm okay with that.

I have found that a lot of things about myself are VERY contradicting! haha but that's just me. i'm sorry i'm such a basket case and as transparant as i may be i'm still enough all over the place that i drive ppl crazy with my crazyness. (I'll let you in on a secret though.....i DRIVE myself crazy sometimes haha).

Enjoy the things about me that i even have a hard time figuring out haha. more confessions will come i'm sure. ha. in fact one per day, that's kinda what i'm tryin to do. haha

xoxo Janessa

when aunt flow comes to town...it's not like Santa

2010-12-14T12:08:00.000-08:00

note to self (and to anybody else who cares) NEVER EVER look up the reasons why cramps come for a visit. it's a really weird thought......ugh, but if this medicine doesn't kick in soon i'm gonna throw myself off my balcony!!!

Reading this book though! i have like 2 days to finish, i wonder if i can do it [" [" he he he

xoxo Janessa

celebrity crushes---we all have them.

2010-12-13T22:18:00.000-08:00

i am completely obsessed with gossip girl! the whole thing! although sometimes it makes me cry, a lot of times it makes me laugh, sometimes i cringe and there is actual nail biting, sometimes i scream in frustration that ppl can be sooooo ummmm clueless?? I guess is the word! and sometimes i get so irritated that they won't just be together already! i don't have DISH, no TV once so ever. yes i could cry. buuuuut it's saving me money, at which point, i dk if it's worth it haha just kidding dad. annnyway. i'm only on the 2nd season, so don't tell me ANYTHING that happens, SWEAR it everybody! ["

buuuuut since i've been completely head over heels for this show for a long time now, i got to thinking! umm hello hotties all over hollywood world! right?! is it just so not fair that everybody looks so gorgeous over there and then we "normal commoners" don't get any of the good genes, (okay this might not pertain to you, you might be even better looking then all of the queen bee's and hottie mchotties).

He is the true McDreamy people! Mr. Chace Crawford has it all. He is a country boy at heart with all the city chic! he's just absolutely gorgeous and really, how could you not imagine those blue eyes seeping into your soul and trying to read your every thought??!!! yaup, you're starin right now aren't ya?

But in a whole nother effort to try and not embarass myself, i kinda got addicted to the first and last High school Musical, i blame it on my sister Jorja, she's pretty much obsessed. BUUUUT then you watch 17 again and you think, "Woah Mr. Efron, where have you been all of my little life?" I tell myself my name is clooooose to Vanessa, so techinically we are involved [" ha

So far these are the only two that are popping into my head at the moment, but we can blame that on the fact that it's 11:30 at night and i'm up thinking about double the hotties over here! haha. sooooo if you look like this, feel free to give me a ring [" haha, if you're not scared of my frumpiness eeeeek!! annnnnd if you don't consider yourself to have these redeeming qualities, that's okay too, i'm up for a lot these days haha.

an important side note (and you'll want to read this). i am not one of those vain superficial girls that bases everything on the way a person looks, but it is a little known fact you have to be attracted to somebody first! and don't sit there and tell yourself you loved your hubby or wife, or boyfriend and girlfriend based soley and completely on first impression of personality, because we both know you'd be making liars out of yourselves. i don't htink it makes you vain to admit that you were attracted to his smile, or his muscles, or his seemingly flawless looks! haha we all can day dream. that emotion connection comes shortly after if you feel something there to begin with. BUT if we all lived on TV shows and life turned out the way it does on them, we'd totally be with the mcdreamy's of this world, (and that new name is going to these two lovely men) ha. And we would all look like the mcgorgeouses. oh well, i guess hollywood is there for a reason, to show us life can't be that superficial, BUT it can be dreamable!

to all a good night, and don't focus too much on my men ["

xoxo Janessa

pride & prejudice

2010-12-12T13:25:00.001-08:00

This is a timeless classic that just never gets old. Jane Austen sure knew how to write an incredible love story if you ask me. Keira Knightly and Matthew MacFadyen deliver such a spectacular performance that it makes me fall in love with Mr. Darcy and Elizabeth Bennet every time i watch this movie! I laugh every time she shoots back with her smart alik remarks and every time he tries to show her he likes her but it's awkward and she can't see it. It kinda reminds me of me, because i never know when ppl like me, i just kinda assume they are being nice. haha. i cry every time he finally admits he loves her and she turns him down. I laugh when she goes to his HUGE house and you can see every thing is changing. and i cry and laugh when he's walking towards her bright and early in the morning and she finally accepts to love him and let him love her. oooooh it's just so cute! if you haven't seen any version of this movie, you need to go find one and watch it. it's just wonderful!!

xoxo Janessa

Me and the Rhyno man!

2010-12-11T20:02:00.001-08:00

i know, two posts in one day. i'm lame. but i just saw some new pics and i needed to post stuff on them before i forgot.

-Ryan was born in August, a whole 9 months AFTER me!
-He's a great fake santa claus when the kids are being "naughty"
-he can get kind of annoying when you're on the computer and he's pushing his feet against your chair
-guess what happnes to him when he does that? He flies backwards, yaup
-He's horrible at chines Checkers (but then again i don't think we've ever tried to play that game sense have we?)
-he's awesome because he LOVES Ninja Turtles
-we used to pretend the tree at the old school was a space ship (amoung other things, that's just the only one i can remember)
-One time we had to sleep on an air matress in grandma's bathroom
-We fought a few times, but usually got over it.
-Ryan was ALWAYS the RED power ranger (well sometimes the WHITE) I HAD to be the pink one!
-we'd go "swimming" in the horse trough in his yard
-when he plays twister, he always manages to get pretty twisted (not much has changed there)
-he kept getting taller, i kept staying the same.
-i whipped him once in a basketball game, A LOT to a little (100-45) in grandma's back yard, It was dark and i WAS wearing flip flops
-He attempted to teach me how to play pool, i kinda forgot a lot.
-He served a mission in Ogden, Utah.
-We've kinda been best friends since i used to try and make my mama sit on my toys so he couldn't get him.
-he still likes to complain about it but i just tell him i didn't want him to grow up and be sissy. i did it for his own good
-Me and the Rhyno man! we're kinda a big deal....

He got married last weekend (12.4.10)

He sometimes smiles like this, yes he does.

Ha and sometimes he forgets to smile and the photographer catches it and then i about fall and we laugh real hard. yaup, that's me and the Rhyno Man

Her name is Emily and she makes him so super happy. i think he does the same for her.

I guess we'll keep her around for a while. ha

Congrats to Emily + Ryan! I'm a little sad that you're no longer MY Ryan, But i guess i'll let Emily take that over [" you'll always be my My Rhyno Man though!! that will never change. Congrats guys, Forever is a really long time and i'm glad you found each other to spend it with. May God Bless you! xoxo Janessa

(last two photos provided by Mason James Photography)

look him up in the Thatcher, AZ area.

xoxo Janessa

Christmas SHOEmis!!

2010-12-11T19:32:00.000-08:00

soooo i am kinda obsessed with the following shoes from Wet Seal

can you believe i don't have a pair of RED high heels? Neither can I! ha These are $10 too!! just saying!

Now for my obsession in Charlotte russe!
I have been pretty obsessed with rain boots lately for some reason. i have a pair of pink polka dot ones that i got at Target this summer for $4 soooo proud of myself. haha. CANNOT go wrong with a yellow one though.

Can you go wrong with pink booties? I think not!! haha. these ones aren't super adorable, but kinda cute. ha

annnnnyway i'm a size 6 1/2 haha boots are usually around size 7. maybe! haha. j/k. nobody needs to get me shoes, buuuut it would be a nice gesture! haha

xoxo Janessa

I belong to the Church...

2010-12-08T16:57:00.000-08:00

i love pictures like these, we are all children in His eyes, He blesses us, He watches over us, He NEVER lets one sheep fall away. I have faith that He will help me the best He can.

Tomorrow is my GRE and I asked Amanda to call her home teacher to give me a blessing! and it was soooooo powerful for me. Somehow he knew exactly what i needed to hear. He told me that God was proud of me, and that He wanted me to be successful in my life and then he blessed me that i would feel comforted and that my mind would be put at ease for this test, and i do feel better. But then he said, "You're family is blessed, He has blessed the lives of your family." And that made me feel so happy because we've gone through so much and God didn't forget us, even though i knew He didn't, there was a time in my life where i thought He might have. it was a really dark time.

Anyway i wanted to say how wonderful blessings really are and how they really can help you to have someone who holds the preisthood perform a blessing for you. Even if you're not sick or dying, just a blessing of comfort. and i am thankful for this home teacher for being willing to come and give me one after only meeting us once haha. I am thankful for this Church, and that i belong to the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. and i am thankful that my life is starting to show some changes and that they are better changes. I am thankful for the lives of my friends and families and all that they do for me. I am thankful for the life i have and that i am healthy generally speaking. I am thankful for the blessings in my life, especially my education. and i look forward to a time that i can continue it and i'm hoping it will be within the new coming year. But if not, i know i have a job here still for me, and i am thankful for that job. Thank you Mr. hometeacher (I don't want to put your real name on here haha).

xoxo Janessa